Dark blue, dark blue, have you ever felt alone in a crowded
room? All the fREAKING time
That's literally my life. I never felt like I had
that many friends growing up in high school. It doesn't really help the fact
that I moved between sophomore and junior year
I had to move all of my friends, except they didn't come with me
it was just me. But even before that, I'd be at a
birthday party or at a dance... I always felt like there's
this friend group, and then I'm there, invited. I'm invited to experience
this friendship group. But I'm never in the group.
Like even if I'm in the group, I'm not in the group, I'm experiencing
these people's friendship and I'm not actually involved. I don't know why
I've always felt this way but it's been like, probably, one of my worst
insecurities that I've had... ever. I've just never really felt like I truly
connected to people growing up until I was able
to find some friends on the internet. People that lived in different states
that I felt like 'oh my gosh this person's just like me I really like them'
and even though my stepdad would say, "Oh well these are fake friends
they're not real, that's why they're never coming over the house because you have no friends"
I just didn't want to have people round the house for multiple reasons
not because of that, but that aside, these
people were real, these people I got to Skype with, I got to Google Hangout with, I got to
hangout with, online. They were real to me
and the fact that when I got to go to my first Vidcon
I got to meet these people in real life
it was the most exciting thing. I remember getting like butterflies
seeing like texts like 'oh my gosh I'm almost at the hotel' and I'm like waiting
and then just the expectations of 'oh my gosh...
... you're so much shorter than I expected'. But
that was so fun, meeting these people
that I'd been friends with that I actually liked, that I felt maybe
included in for the first time
ever. It was - was really nice. And then I met a lot of new people there
and it was a really good convention. Fast forward to after I moved
to England about 3, 4 years, I'm now in this
YouTube community in the UK. It's a very tightly-knit
thing I somehow injected myself into, but
even though I felt like I wasn't really involved
I felt slightly involved? I mean I'm making videos I'm not the biggest YouTuber in the
world, I'm really not, but I had
joined this friend group, but at one point
someone in friend the group said, "Well, Evan,
I'd let you be on camera but you're too unattractive
and you don't have enough subscribers." (fight me) Not a joke.
Obviously not friends with those types of people anymore but
that was just the type of people that I-
I needed anyone. I needed some type of feeling of friendship and
that's just who I chose and I was okay
with just being behind the camera because at least I felt useful.
I like someone needed me, I felt like I
have this fake friend group. But that's all Youtube was man
I just- I needed something. And so another Vidcon
rolls around and then you have the opportunity to not just hang out with
these internet friends that meet from all around the world that I'd had
for ages but I also had the familiarity of just hanging out with people that I
already hang out with in England. It's safe
that way, you know I don't really have to hang out with new people
I can just hang out with these. But I quickly learned that
none of them were my real friends and they all ditched me for
different types of things and I remember at one point I was in the elevator
with a certain Youtuber that I, you know, I knew and
he turned to me and he said "Evan,
you're a fucking leech and everyone hates you"
(srsly fight me) I was like "oh
o- oh" and then he just left. The doors closed
and I openly wept. That was uh, that was probably one of the meanest
things anyone's ever said to me it was literally my number one insecurity and then whapochhugrfei
it was like a bomb-tipped arrow went right through all
my walls that pafchkldf exploded into me.
I just- I was so upset, that was... if he thought that
what if everyone thought that? Everyone in England thought that?
What if- does anyone actually like me? Does everyone hate me? Is this literally it?
Uh... I remember there was a party that night and I was feeling alone
and I didn't have anyone to hang out with and then there I saw two friends
online that were at this party so I was like "hey, do you-
can- do you wanna hang out? What are you guys up to?" And none of them responded.
Both of them just completely ghosted me.
They didn't even give me like a follow up 'oh sorry! Missed
this'.
They didn't even care. I'd rather have a "no I don't like you"
I'd rather be told something
than nothing, to be treated like I don't exist.
Uhm, and as depressing as this sounds, guess what I did?
I knew where the party was. I-I stood outside in the hallway hoping someone
would leave. And I could like
join them leaving. Or come back in. I just wanted
to hang with someone. I wanted to hang out with someone I knew. I didn't want to feel so alone.
And then someone did leave, someone I knew, and I was like "hey how's it going?"
And they were like "what are you doing out here". And I was like
"Mnuhno". Uhm, they didn't ask questions, but they said the
party was lame and we were going to go somewhere else. And I was like "cool!" You know
at this point I am literally just tagging along again, but
I had somethin'....I had somethin'....and we ended
up going to this party,
another party that, jeeze
at this point now, I'm not alone. I'm with,
like, thirteen people
and I feel more alone [laughs]. It's this YouTube clique
of these really good friends who haven't seen each other in ages, and they're all like really famous
and I'm like "oh my God"....it was like my first VidCon
it was like, just meeting all these people and they haven't seen each other in ages
and then me. Just imagine being in a room with ten people
that are really good friends with each other...and you're there.
I don't belong there. I don't want to be there. That's not...
Why would I care so much about being in this room? I just wanted to feel not alone
and here I am feeling alone with other people. I mean there were other people trying to talk to me
like, engaging in conversation
but, I'm not his friend. I'm not friends with anyone in the room.
I just had to leave. It felt fake. It felt like
I was intruding on someone else's friend group.
That's the story of my life. Sorry for being
here, you guys are clearly
friends and I am not. Now....
despite that being a bad VidCon, I don't write it off as a net negative
because I did meet and become friends with my friend Dodie
during this trip, went on a road trip later, and
for the first time in a very long time was like,
oh, there are good people that are like me
and I can get along with. This person exists,
they need to be protected. Y'know this is good, I had a friend at this point
it was nice. Now fast forward (an expression I really like
for some reason) to this recent VidCon,
everything was right about it. I didn't just have to hang out with friends
from the U.K. I mean if I want to hang out with Dodie I can just give her a call.
I live in the same city, be like "Dodie let's hang out", she'll be like "No I'm too busy". I can do that in the U.K.,
don't have to do that in the U.S. So I hang out with them for a little bit, and then I hang out
with new people. I spent an entire day hanging out with people
that I haven't seen in ages, and it was just so nice. I posted a picture on Instagram being
like "Squad goals" and people were like, "Why aren't you hanging out with this person? Wait, 'squad goals'?
What about this person?"
That really upset me. I'm like why does it have to be
Evan hanging out with the same people? I hate YouTube cliques.
I hate the idea that I can only hang out with the same group of people. I like hanging out with people because I like them...
I'll hang out with lots of different people. I don't care what clique you're in. I don't care if your clique
hates this clique. I don't care. If you're a nice person I like you,
I'll tell you that. I want to hang out with you. Maybe that's the reason why
I never feel...included, because
I try so hard to be friends with too many different people.
Maybe that's why. "Two" on the Enneagram thing. You've seen the Nick Crompton part
of my last video. You know I have such a big issue with people disliking me...who knows?
But one of the nicest things that happened during this most recent VidCon, like I said,
someone whose videos I had just been watching for six months,
I really liked, their sense of humour was hilarious, I was like "I want to meet this person, I really like them".
They didn't just give me a "Hi bye". They didn't just hit me a hi,
and then "Whatever nice to meet you, see you later".
I was invited to hang out with them for a bit.
And that sounds a bit like pathetic, like they let me hang with them.
But...they were friends, I was not. I'd just met them.
So the fact that, like, James and Jayden
allowed me to hang out with them, was really nice to me. I felt so
welcomed in a way I hadn't felt in ages. The fact that I was invited to dinner with them (which I did make awkward, apologies like I said)
but that fact that I was allowed to do that...
it felt like it was my first VidCon again. I had made friends, I had made
new acquaintances, and it was such a nice time.
And then, the end of VidCon, I was then "Why don't you go on a road trip
with all these cool people I look up to, that make good videos, and...."
even hanging out with all these great people
on this roadtrip, I still felt alone.
I felt like all these people know each other.
All these people are part of something, and I'm the extra.
I'm the extra add-on to this trip. Why am I even here?
This people like me, sure, but I'm not...
with them. I'm not...I don't want people to think about this the wrong way...
like they were all lovely...and I got along with everyone really well...
It's my mind. It's something that happens in my mind that says:
"These people don't actually like you, and if they do
you're not in this group. You're not in any group." I never feel...
I feel like I'm the fifth wheel on a car.
Like I'm along for the ride, but I'm not actually doing anything. I'm not useful.
I'm just there. I'm just in the group, but I'm not in there.
And to hopefully one day I get this feeling like I belong
to something, that I have this group of friends that I
can really trust, but even then I don't really know.
I...I just have this thing in my head that says: I will
never belong, I'll always be the odd one out, and...
wham. So making this video hoping maybe if you're like this, and
you're feeling alone in big groups or even alone when you're alone...
you're not alone...except you are, but you're not alone 'cause I am
like this too, and... it sucks.
So if you have any advice for me (or anyone else that's like this) in the comments... uh, appreciate it, 'cause
I'd like to not feel alone when I'm with friends, or with people
that I'd like to consider friends, but that's
the way I am right now. Thank-you for watching....
hope you give me a thumb [laughs]
I'm happy I can laugh about this. Thanks for watching. I'll see you
on Sunday.
Bye.