I had a good summer.
I don't know about you guys.
I lost weight.
I'm very proud of myself.
Oh, good for you.
Well, I mean, I had my appendix removed.
Is that true, you had your appendix removed?
I did have my appendix, they were like,
we have to remove your appendix and I was like
can you get rid of some of this other stuff?
'Cause it looks swollen.
But I didn't even know what the appendix was,
but the doctor told me that science doesn't even know
what the appendix exactly does, and they're not even sure
why the appendix exists, and I was like, oh my gosh,
the appendix is like a Kardashian.
I guess there are some similarities, yeah.
It's this mystery that for some of us
causes excruciating pain
and has to be removed with a knife.
No!
Obviously I am not proposing violence
against all the Kardashians.
Just the mother.
Now listen, let's try and rein this in.
You had your appendix, I had my appendix removed
when I was about 12, and I at least was home,
but you were on a trip or something,
I heard, when this happened. I was in Alaska,
with my, that's not why I went there, but I was--
Hey, when you want surgery, get to Alaska.
Get the surgery.
No, I was just taken to the closest hospital,
and the surgeon who removed my appendix,
his name was Muffaletta, Dr. Muffaletta,
which is also the name of a New Orleans sandwich,
so when he introduced himself I thought,
am I being visited by the ghost of sandwich past?
And then I realized I don't know what they do
with the appendix after they remove it.
And then I realized I don't even know
what meat is on a Muffaletta.
Yeah.
Lot of mysteries.
So you were in Alaska? I was in Alaska.
And that's where you got sick?
Or what were you doing there?
I was there, I had a show, but I was there on vacation
with my family, and after the surgery,
I was in and out in like a day or so,
and then they sent me back to my family,
not like it was punishment.
I returned to my family and the only instructions
they gave were that they wanted me to walk a lot,
so I was like, perfect, I'm in Alaska,
so we went for a hike with the family,
and my kids were screamin' for no reason at all,
I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside,
and then we saw this huge bear, like 500 yards away,
it was gigantic, it was like way bigger than a gummy bear.
And my wife and I, we were so excited,
so we started takin' pictures, and then the bear stood up
and roared and I was like, uh-oh,
it didn't want its picture taken.
Yeah.
And then the bear kinda looked at us
and started creeping forward like--
Oh, seriously?
Yeah, like tilting his head
like he recognized us or something.
He was like, did I try and eat you before,
or is this that guy from Capote?
We were terrified, but luckily we were with a tour guide,
and he just looked at us and he goes,
don't worry, I have bear spray.
And I was like, do you have anything stronger?
Like a bear gun?
'Cause I don't know if spray can stop a charging,
600-pound animal, and then the tour guide instructed us
to walk backward slowly.
He's like walk backward slowly,
I guess so the bear could catch up or something.
And so we're walking backward slowly,
meanwhile the bear's in a full sprint,
and I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smell delicious.
I was also sunburned so I probably looked
like a giant land salmon.
The bear's like, this is unbelievable.
And by the way, I should point out,
it's not like we were walking backwards
to like a car or a cabin.
We were walking backwards to nothing.
It probably looked like we were just teasing the bear, like,
come and get it, you want some of this, Mr. Bear?
And it was crazy.
I was like, I'm gonna die by being eaten by a bear,
which is kind of ironic considering
how many animals I've eaten.
So I started singing
♪The circle of life♪
and then eventually the bear ate us.
And we died.
Wait, wait, okay, I was there with you all the way
until the very end where you're eaten and you die.
That's a true story, that's what happened.
I would never lie to you.
No, eventually the bear just turned around and started
running the other way like he forgot something at home.
It was
strange.