I find myself chasing these fleeting, golden days of autumn -
grasping tightly, afraid to let go.
I can’t say I’m fully ready for winter yet.
And seasons affect me and my mood drastically.
If you ever experienced meteosensitivity - emotional and physical susceptibility
to weather and seasonal changes, you’ll understand what I mean.
Between windstorms and heavy pouring rain
I find little moments of joy and sunshine,
catching late sunrises and early sunsets whenever I can.
I spend some of these rare sunny afternoons thinking
and sometimes contemplating my life choices.
Did you ever imagine what your life would turn out like?
If you weren’t here right now, what else would you be doing?
How would your life go differently if the chain of events that led you
to where you are right now connected somehow differently?
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I stuck to the original plan
I thought out as a 16 year old more than a decade ago
moving across Europe to live alone in a different country?
What would happen if I stayed in the city?
Or followed the conventional career path I initially embarked on?
Or held on to people who were once so important in my life?
I wonder, quite often, and imagine different outcomes -
it’s only natural to ponder over choices and mistakes,
sometimes regretting some decisions
or wondering about all possible consequences to our actions.
Do I regret any of them? I realised, lately, that actually - I don’t.
I made many decisions, diverted from many paths and changed many opinions.
I met new people and made more meaningful friendships.
I read through some of my old diary notes the other day -
just a couple of years ago doubt, guilt and regret were my frequent companions
I am happy to say that today they no longer travel through life with me,
instead giving way to all my multitude of passions and dreams
which I carry along in my heart throughout each day.
It doesn’t mean that doubt doesn’t pursue me at all,
as it’s only natural to question and wonder.
But I try to turn doubt in curiosity.
Every little decision leads to wonderful new possibilities
while leaving behind all other potential outcomes.
But sometimes we gain more by losing something we held on to so dearly.
While moving to a quieter place did impact my life drastically,
I believe it did bring me a step closer to who I actually am meant to be in this life.
I was always a sensitive, thin skinned person,
trying to mould myself into the extroverted, hyper active standard
that I thought I had to adhere to in order to live a fulfilling life.
I thought that in order to pursue my dreams I have to be loud and visible -
people often got surprised when they found out
that the real me was actually quiet, very shy
but once I got comfortable - somewhat weird and goofy.
It’s not that I ever thought that being the quiet type is bad,
but I definitely thought that being loud and super active in social life
was the way to achieve everything you want.
Only that it wasn’t.
Somehow I gained more by being less.
I don’t mean that you necessarily have to change your life drastically,
move to a new country or leave a big city to experience a better life.
What I would like to say - what I understood recently myself -
is that you don’t need to adhere to any standards or expectations,
be that societal or your own, in order to live a good and fulfilling life.
Our life is always a chain of events, a chain of choices that lead us
to where we are right now.
The beauty is that we can keep making new choices each time.
And while choosing one path may mean that you’re giving up on another -
nothing is ever set in stone.
There is this expectation that everything you do
needs to bring you some kind of tangible results
be it in a form of financial gain, fame, proficiency - otherwise it’s a waste of time.
While the above is no doubt necessary, life is also meant to be playful.
after all we need money and skills in order to feel fulfilled and live,
but life is also meant to be playful.
We can experience pleasure in cooking and never own a restaurant,
or play piano but never perform in front of thousands of people.
Or have a big interest in learning about plants, or planets, or candle making
but keep doing it simply to fulfill our own keen mind.
Does it make that time wasted?
Not in one bit, but it does give us a curious insight
into the path we haven’t walked on
in addition to the path we actually chose.
Dreams don’t need to be given up on in order to live a practical life,
they can simply be introduced into our lives in a more playful form.