Transcriber: Tanya Cushman Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
Have you ever been gripped by the fear of letting go?
That moment that you realize what's holding you back
from believing and achieving in the person that you can become
requires that you let go of something?
Or maybe letting go of the need to be perfect in everything.
Or letting go of always searching
for that perfect moment to go after your dreams.
While letting go may seem so easy to say,
it's so difficult to actually do.
I experienced these feelings
when I was working in a corporate job that I dreaded.
Staring at the stark white cubicle walls during my work days left me feeling numb,
like a robot.
To escape the daily grind, I found solace at a nearby yoga studio.
At first, I was drawn to the physical practice;
the workout made me feel and look like no other.
But eventually,
it was the spiritual aspect that kept me coming back for more.
When I practiced yoga, I felt a sense of ease and renewal.
Outside of the class, however, I was a confused soul with no purpose.
I always wanted to make a difference in leadership and service,
but I wasn't quite clear on how.
I wrestled with the question of what to do next with my life:
Do I stay on my current career path,
do I change jobs
or do I become a yoga instructor?
I already had a solid practice as a student for a couple of years.
I studied with senior teachers,
I went on workshops
and even went on retreats.
So the transition for me to move from student to teacher was a natural one.
So I decided to take the plunge and become a yoga instructor.
Teacher training was intense, but it deepened my knowledge of yoga.
It even gave me the confidence to start my own private yoga business
right away.
And even though I didn't make as much money
as I did when I was working in the corporate world,
teaching was the best job I ever had,
one I'm truly passionate about.
I know I'd made the right choice.
After a couple of years of teaching yoga, I started to have another longing.
Deep down inside,
my desire to start a family with my husband was calling,
but it had always been cast aside because of my career ambition.
My journey to get pregnant was a struggle.
At age 40, the doctor told me that I had a 10% chance of succeeding.
But in my heart, I knew this had to be wrong.
I had conceived and miscarried before,
so I already knew that my body was capable of becoming pregnant.
I was determined to have a baby.
In the past, the breathing techniques that I learned in yoga helped calm me
during some of the toughest moments after I miscarried.
These were stressful times for me because I felt like my body had failed me.
My yoga practice brought me back to a place of centering and calm,
reconnecting me to myself.
It also helped me to reduce my anxiety.
Yoga helps to reduce the amount of cortisol,
the stress hormone that runs through the adrenal glands,
and so I used yoga to bring my body back
to this stress-reduced state where I was able to conceive.
Today, I'm the proud mother of a miracle son.
In my heart, I know that it was yoga that allowed me to become a mom.
I decided to help other women on this path who were struggling to get pregnant.
I set up complimentary workshops at yoga studios and fertility clinics,
specifically to target communities of women and families
to help them face the emotional and physical stress of trying to conceive.
These became sacred spaces and outlets for them to share their battle stories.
I created a Yoga for Fertility sequence,
which drew the attention on the breath to help center the mind and calm the body.
I found my work teaching Yoga for Fertility deeply satisfying,
but a part of me still longed to do a little bit more.
I remember a conversation that I had had with one of my yoga mentors.
She spoke to me about her experience
teaching, learning and developing compassion for all students,
especially the ones who don't and can't get access to yoga.
Given how powerful yoga had been for me
and for other women who were struggling to get pregnant,
I knew in my heart
that yoga should not just be offered
in exclusive classes geared to fit, young athletes.
And yet I still didn't know how to share this message of what yoga had done for me
with a larger audience.
After a couple of years of sharing my Yoga for Fertility work,
I received an email,
inquiring if I could teach yoga
to someone with cognitive disabilities who was also blind in one eye.
I was open to the experience.
I started teaching yoga to Danny.
Through the yoga poses, we were able to build a connection.
We established a bond.
I'll never forget the time that he hugged and thanked me after a lesson.
Six months later, a friend approached me about collaborating on a documentary
about how yoga radically changes lives.
I thought this was my golden opportunity.
Through the documentary,
I could show how yoga not only empowered Danny's life
but do so for many others.
I worked tirelessly on this film.
For months, I spoke with families, doctors.
I received support from networking
and speaking about my intentions for the film.
I was even able to acquire funding from a friend
who dipped into her wedding money to donate to the documentary.
I felt a deep sense of pride and fulfillment
as I witnessed my vision unfolding.
My team and I entered AT&T SHAPE's short-film festival,
where we were required to shoot an entire documentary over the weekend.
It was an incredibly intense experience,
collaborating with just a small film crew,
but we were proud of what we were able to create in just 72 hours.
At the end of the weekend,
the top three winners would be moving on to the finals in LA.
As the day of the award ceremony approached,
I became more nervous.
As I sat in the auditorium in SubCulture in Lower Manhattan,
my hands were shaking, my feet couldn't stop moving.
Our team thought we had a real shot at winning one of the top awards.
Third place winners were announced,
second place winners were announced,
first.
Our team wasn't called; we didn't win.
My dreams to get this community recognition
were crushed right before my eyes.
I felt like I had failed.
As individuals, we sometimes make the mistake
of deriving so much of our value and self-worth
from the things that we want to accomplish.
We do this because it is easier to work on our external environment
than who we are internally.
We convince ourselves
to believe that we are defined by our careers, grades or environments.
We live our lives
based on these mental images from our upbringing
that tells us this is not our reality.
Soon after we lost, I didn't want to quit.
I even thought about trying to win again at another film festival.
But then I found out, Danny, the main subject of my film,
because of his battle with glaucoma was going to undergo another surgery
for the remaining eye, which could still see.
He could end up blind.
Family, friends and myself included
were distraught.
I knew then that I could no longer keep thinking
about trying to win a film festival award.
Danny needed me now,
not as a filmmaker
but as his yoga teacher and his friend.
The most powerful thing that I could do was to help Danny feel calm and grounded.
When I saw how much more calm and grounded he was, and less anxious,
before his surgery and post-op,
it made me remember the purpose and the value that I had.
Soon after Danny's surgery,
one of my private fertility yoga students gave birth to her first baby boy.
I saw yet another powerful way of the impact of yoga,
one on one.
What I've learned is that letting go is a lifelong process.
First, I let go of a corporate exec job that made me unhappy.
Then, I let go of my anxiety in order to have the child that I wanted.
And then, my current path
required that I let go of an obsession with producing an award-winning film.
And finally, I let go of my despair when I didn't succeed as I had planned.
Time and again, the more I let go,
the less I'm likely to live some ego-driven fantasy
of who I'm supposed to be or expected to be
and the more comfortable I am simply being who I am.
Throughout my decades of teaching,
I've seen the power of yoga has helped us to let go.
I've seen it in myself, and I've seen it in my students.
When we let go of lives that leave us stuck and uninspired,
we let go of what we thought was impossible
or what other people told us was.
On the other side of letting go of my fears,
I found my true identity,
and it is my hope you find yours too.
Thank you.
(Applause)