(upbeat music plays)
(group clapping and whooping)
- Welcome everybody.
(group clapping and whooping)
- There's no pandemic.
My name is Damien Haas.
I'm a voice actor, I'm a Twitch streamer,
and you may know me from the YouTube Comedy Channel Smash.
I am very, very proud of what I have put together here
for you today.
And I put together each
and every individual slide here
to make sure that you get the most bang for your buck
which will be collected on your way out,
if you'd like to leave.
I can already tell you
and I are gonna be making eye contact
'cause you're my favorite.
(group laughing)
Let's start off my presentation. (snaps)
I will be performing a non-denominational exorcism.
That's right.
(group cackling and clapping)
What a lot of people won't tell you is that
I happened to see heaven when I was four years old.
(group laughing)
And I can say without a doubt in my mind
that all religions are equally wrong and right.
So, that's why I'm going full non-denominational today.
Now what I do know, in fact,
because of the movie "Hereditary", demons are real.
They got that part right.
There are demons. They live within us. They walk among us.
So, let's see slide number two.
Now, what is a non-denominational exorcist?
I shall explain.
Do you know what religion demons are?
Neither do I. (group laughs)
Neither do they.
See many think of demons as being evil
but I play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons.
They would fall on the scale of what I would call
true neutral.
They're not trying to follow anyone's agenda but their own.
And we all know someone like that, right?
Your mind's all went to your exes, didn't they?
Demons are like your exes.
And so they're very, very, very selfish.
Now, just like the that ex that you don't like
you gotta get 'em outta there.
That's where I come in.
And that doesn't mean I'm gonna possess you.
This one knows when I'm talk-
See, we're making eye contact.
I like her. I'm glad you're back there.
(group laughing)
Next slide.
Here are three people who have been possessed.
Chungles the Clown.
Now, you may have thought I said "chuckles".
You could not be when I'm wrong.
We're talking about Chungles.
Now, Chungles as a boy was struck by lightning
and that sort of left an opening for the demon
to sort of make him his way into his mouth
'cause it kind of stuck like that.
(Damian gags)
That's all it has to do.
The demons just has to go
(Damian stomps and curses)
Get in there.
(group laughing)
And that's all it really takes to get in your mouth.
Garrett's dog, Danny.
Now...
Oh, I'm sorry.
You could tell two (bleep) dogs apart.
I sure can't.
(group laughing)
Garrett's dog, Danny.
That thing is a demon and it needs to stop.
His teeth will go back to normal shapes once that happens.
Also, you can't spell "Santa" without "Satan".
Now that mother (bleep) sneaks into your house yearly
and we don't question it.
We don't question it at all.
In fact, you reward him with milk and cookies,
gluten and lactose.
Two of the most commonly un-tolerated things in the world.
Shame on you specifically, I forgive you.
Oh yeah. Next slide please.
Is there a possessed person here right now?
Oh, interesting.
Could there possibly be?
(possessed person growling)
Yep. So, question.
Who do we think in this room is possessed?
(groups laughing)
Let's see if you have the touch like I do.
Count a three point to them.
3, 2, 1.
Yeah, that's what I thought too. (possessed person grunts)
Great. I'm gonna ask for the next slide.
(possessed person shrieking)
Quick! Catch 'em! Quick! Catch 'em! Quick! Catch 'em!
Now.
Oh!
You may think-
(possessed person mumbling)
(Damian mumbling)
Oh my god! This has never happened before. Hold on.
(possessed person babbling)
I have an idea.
(possessed person gabbing)
I have candy, I have treats, I have candy, I have treats,
I have candy, I have treats, I have candy, I have treats
I have candy, I have treats!
(possessed person screaming)
Yeah? No. Okay. She's stepping in!
She's stepping in!
She's stepping out!
This thing is broken and I blame props.
(group laughing)
Give me two seconds.
(group laughing)
Little spooky girl.
Can you actually just try to help me
with this net real quick?
(Damian yells)
(group cheering and clapping)
Let them see your weakness.
That is what we need.
Now I will do the demon the kindness
of giving them a proper seat.
- Thank you.
- I heard a "thank you". I don't know if anyone else did.
That's pretty dope.
(group laughs softly)
Next slide. They will try to bite you.
(possessed person shrieks) Oh Christ.
Who I don't necessarily believe in
for the sake of this exorcism
because it is a non-denominational.
Hey, non-denominational demon.
- Yeah?
- You know what else bites?
- What (bleep)?
- Taxes. Am I right?
Uncle Sam wants his and that (bleep) sucks.
(group snapping)
Give me back my damn paycheck.
See, get the demon on your side.
She said she's a ass grown woman.
She understands. She understands and gets it. Next slide.
Now, in order to confirm that this is a demon
we must ask them the big question
that separates demons from people.
I'm gonna trust you. This is the chair of binding.
It's not a new thing I made up just now.
It's the chair of binding.
And we all know that the demon has to stay there.
I'm gonna go ahead and kick this away.
This is a-
We used this as a condom prop once. Shame on you.
(group laughing)
The big question that separates demons from people.
Milk or cereal first? Demon?
- Cereal.
(group mumbling in agreeance)
- That's correct. The verdict is in.
This person is not possessed.
(group giggling)
It's a trick. It's a trap. Think about it.
- I just had an awful smoothie.
- [Damian] (group laughing) Oh, I understand.
Did you get the bee pollen in the ginseng?
- Exactly.
- You can't mix the two. See, that was a test.
If you put the milk in first,
your cereal just floats on the top.
And who does that?
I wanted to see what your response would be.
You also have a lot of lacerations on your face.
We're gonna deal with that soon.
The biting makes less and less sense
(group laughs) as I know more
and more your spiritual status.
(possessed person growls)
Okay. That's just sort of your thing or like what?
Okay. Goodbye? - I'm so sorry.
I was here for the presentation.
I just had a bad smoothie. This happens all the time.
- All right. Well, I make smoothies twice a day
and if anyone needs smoothie tips
that's a different thing altogether.
The secret ingredient is mushroom powder
but not the kind your thinking.
- [All] Ahh.
(group clapping)
- Thank you. Thank you.
Next slide here. Now, quick question.
Is anyone else here possessed?
- Yeah, I mean, I am.
- [Damian] Okay.
(group laughs)
Let's talk about this.
(group laughing loudly)
You're possessed.
- Yeah.
- You know for a fact you're possessed by a
demonic presence?
- Absolutely. Yeah.
- Does this demonic presence have a name?
- Marcus.
- Marcus. Let's go to the next slide.
Who's moving first?
I'm a lot closer than you thought mother (bleep).
(group cackling)
- You have cuffs or anything?
- I have a second degree black belt in karate.
I took down Brennan, our camera man,
in a wrestling ring once.
That really happened.
- [Brennan] That's true.
(group laughs)
- Now, I can either front piggyback you right now,
or you can just go ahead and sit in this chair
and one of us will get fired if I do the first one
and it's me.
3, 2, 1.
(Damian scatting)
♪ Every chair we buy is absolute ass ♪
Is this enough?
Cool. Great.
Awesome.
(group giggling)
All right, now it's time to ask the other big question
that separates demons from people.
Sandwiches. Cross-cut or down the middle?
- I prefer cross-cut.
- Huh! Interesting.
Let's see the next slide first.
Oh, this person is possessed!
'Cause they can't handle normal square shapes.
They must use is isosceles conundrum
AKA the triangle of death, AKA cross-cut.
Say it with me.
- [All] Time to get that demon out.
Time to get that demon out.
(group chanting and laughing)
(Damian mimics vomiting)
- Next slide.
Oh, there we go.
Let's talk to the demon in a dead language.
Sumerian or Cuneiform?
- Cunei.
- Cunei? All right.
(group cackling)
All right.
Now listen.
0, 0, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0, 1, 0, 1?
- No, I've never saw "Girls" on HBO.
(group cackling)
- But Adam Driver is a treasure.
To be fair, he's the one boy on that show but still...
- It just didn't seem interesting to me.
- Oh, 0, 1, 0, 1.
1, 0, 1, 0?
- No. Didn't see the "Leftovers" either.
(group cackling)
- 0, 1.
- There's a lot of HBO classics I just never caught up on.
(possessed person laughing)
- Now, Marcus, are you ready to leave
0, 0, 1 Peter's body?
- Yeah.
- All right, great. Let's go to the next slide.
Go on.
There's nothing you can say to me
that I've not already said to myself.
Try it. Mother, father, sister, brother.
- You look like someone I could crush in mini golf.
- [All] Ooh. (group laughs)
- Okay.
(group laughing)
- I meant that. (group laughs)
- Did that make you feel better to say?
- Yeah.
- So be it.
You've all seen "The Conjuring"
and all the "Annabelle" films.
We all know that there's a price that we pay
for the job that I do.
(group laughs)
Next slide. (group laughs)
Time for me to clap back.
(group cackling)
- I shouldn't have said that.
I should not have said that.
(group cackling)
- Oh, Peter.
I can't decide whether to say a Freddie Mercury joke
or a Gallagher joke,
and I think that indecision is the biggest insult
I could possibly give you.
(group laughs)
- Oy. Wowee, wow, wee, wow, wow.
- Does that hurt?
- Yeah. Didn't make me feel better.
That brought us both down.
What if I bring us both up?
Take my hand. Come here. Come here.
(group clapping)
By smell, I would say Gallagher. Next slide.
Oh, confide in the demon. Tell a real secret you have.
(group laughing)
Does this have to be audible to the audience?
Is there a fun bit where the audience
and the people in this room don't hear it at all
and only Peter does?
- [Director] Yeah, over your mic.
- Cover your mic too.
- Okay. Wait, how do I?
(group laughs)
- Greg.
(group laughing)
(bleep)
(dramatic music plays)
(group laughs)
Pretty dope, right?
- Yeah. Yeah. That was pretty cool.
- It makes you view me pretty differently, huh?
- Yeah.
(group laughing)
Yeah.
- Yeah. I'm pretty cool. Say it.
No, not the secret. Say that I'm pretty cool.
(group laughing)
- Damian is pretty cool.
- Yeah. There ya go.
(group claps)
I keep thinking I'm gonna send you back.
Let's check out that next slide.
Get the demon out by reciting this incantation.
I got the eye of the tiger.
A fighter dancing through the fire.
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar.
Louder.
Louder than a lion.
'Cause I'm a champion
♪ And your gonna hear me roar ♪
♪ Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪
Marcus, you're outta there now or what's up?
Next slide. (gasps)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
You're gonna hear me
roar!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Your gonna hear me roar.
- Hey look! Marcus flew clear outta your bones.
(group clapping)
Now. Who am I? Who am I with here?
Am I with Peter or am I with Marcus the demon?
- Marcus, he left a few minutes ago. Yeah.
- Oh, so none of that was...
Awesome.
(group laughing and clapping)
- Did Marcus hear the secret or did Peter?
- Oh, I did.
- Okay. That's awesome to know for later. Cool.
- Thanks.
- Now there's only one thing left to do.
- [Peter] There's more?
- Pinata party.
(group clapping)
Let's get a volunteer pinata.
(group clapping)
Oh, okay. Got it.
I really thought I was gonna beat the (bleep)
outta you Peter.
Oh, this is very dangerous.
(group laughs)
Awesome. At least it's one that matches my hair.
Does it go up and down? Is that the whole thing?
(group laughing)
It's too high up, isn't it?
(group laughing)
There's no way I can (bleep) hit it.
(group cheering and clapping)
(group screaming)
I am Marcus.
Leave quickly!
Me smoke bomb. VFX added. I'm making work for others.
(Damian imitates explosion)
(group clapping and cheering)
Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
There's something special about you.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
You should go to a doctor.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you.
(group clapping)
I don't want you to tell anyone what I told you.
- I told him few minutes ago.
- That (bleep) blows, my guy.
(group laughing)