FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT I CAREFULLY AND THOUGHTFULLY PULL TOGETHER
THE BONES, MUSCLES, AND FLESH OF THE NEWS ASK STITCH THEM
TOGETHER IN A UNIQUE CREATURE I CALL
"MONOLOGUE."
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TAKE WHATEVER SPARE FLIPPERS AND
BEAKS THAT ARE LYING AROUND AND SLAP THEM TOGETHER WITH A LITTLE
FUR TO MAKE MY NEWS PLATYPUS THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN SCOTLAND, "A FAMILY FOUND OUT THEIR FIVE-
POUND CHESS PIECE COULD BE WORTH ONE MILLION POUNDS" BECAUSE THE
PIECE IS "PART OF THE FAMOUS MEDIEVAL LEWIS CHESSMEN, AND HAS
BEEN MISSING FOR ALMOST 200 YEARS."
SO, I BELIEVE OFFICIALS SHOULD REALLY CHECK OUT THE REST OF
THAT FAMILY'S BOARD GAMES, BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING
REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THEIR GAME OF "OPERATION."
MEANWHILE, LAST WEEK, LITHUANIA HELD THEIR 20th ANNUAL BABY RACE
TO MARK INTERNATIONAL CHILDREN'S DAY.
25 BABIES RACED FOR GLORY IN A TEENY-TINY NAIL-BITER, BUT THE
ULTIMATE WINNER WAS 11-MONTH-OLD IGNAS!
SADLY--
YES, HE'S A CHAMPION.
HE'S A WINNER.
HE WANTED IT.
SADLY, IGNAS WAS DISQUALIFIED WHEN IT WAS REVEALED THAT HE HAD
BEEN JUICING.
( LAUGHTER )
CREATED THE LOUDEST POSSIBLE SOUND UNDERWATER.
LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE: DON'T LET ANYONE
TELL YOU A CAREER IN SCIENCE HAS TO BE USEFUL.
( LAUGHTER )
PRINCIPAL HAS RESIGNED AFTER BEING ARRESTED AT A STRIP CLUB
WHILE ON A SCHOOL FIELD TRIP."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT IS-- THAT IS UNBELIEVA UNBELIEVABLE...
THAT IT DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA.
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"OVER HERE, CHILDREN, IS WHERE THE FOUNDING FATHERS LEARNED TO
CLAP THAT BOOTY AND MAKE IT RAIN UP IN HERE!"
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: STUDENTS OF THE HOLY FAMILY-- OKAY--
HOLY FAMILY CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN LOUISIANA WERE ON A TRIP TO
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHEN THE PRINCIPAL, MICHAEL
"BLAZE-OF-GLORY" COMO HERE, LEFT THE GROUP AND WAS ARRESTED WHEN
POLICE WERE CALLED TO "ARCHIBALD'S GENTLEMEN'S CLUB IN
WASHINGTON, D.C., FOR "AN INTOXICATED MAN REFUSING TO PAY
HIS BILL."
WELL, OF COURSE!
OF COURSE.
DON'T YOU DARE BOO HIM!
OF COURSE, HE REFUSED TO PAY.
YOU TRY TO AFFORD STRIPPERS ON A SCHOOL PRINCIPAL'S SALARY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS A WAKE-UP CALL, AMERICA.
I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, FOR PETE'S SAKE, THESE GOOD PEOPLE
AFTER THEY'VE PAID FOR THEIR RENT, THEIR GAS, THEIR OWN
SCHOOL ROOM SUPPLIES, SOMETIMES.
THERE'S JUST NOTHING LEFT TO TIP CINNAMON, CHEYENNE, OR GINGER IN
THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!
WHEN POLICE ARRIVED, COMO WAS "STANDING IN THE ROADWAY,
REFUSING TO MOVE."
THE PARENTS OF THE KIDS DEMANDED HE IMMEDIATELY BE FIRED.
WHILE THE STUDENTS DEMANDED HE IMMEDIATELY BE INVITED TO ZACK'S
LAKE PARTY THIS FRIDAY.
IT'S GONNA BE LIT!
BEFORE WE SINGLE HIM OUT, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW
THAT CUOMO WAS NOT AT THE STRIP CLUB ALONE.
HE "HAD A SERVICE DOG WITH HIM!" NOW, WE DON'T KNOW WHY THIS MAN
NEEDS A SERVICE DOG, BUT I REALLY HOPE IT'S NOT VISION
IMPAIRMENT, BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE WAS JUST AT THE STRIP CLUB
FOR THE SOUNDTRACK.
( LAUGHTER )
PART-TIME RESERVE POLICE OFFICER,"
BUT NOT ANYMORE.
HE DID THE HONORABLE THING AND "RESIGNED BY TEXT."
I'M GUESSING BOOZE EMOJI, DANCING GIRLS, POLICE CAR,
BYE-BYE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, A MOTORIST ARRESTED FOR YELLING (BLEEP) YOU TO A
STATE TROOPER WASIN VINDICATED.
EITHER BECAUSE IT WAS FREE SPEECH, OR THE JURY PROVED
BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT THAT THE TROOPER SHOULD GO (BLEEP)
HIMSELF.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK