'You miscalculated this time old man.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you magic'
With the release Dr Strange starring Benylin Cabbagepatch.
'Look I don't like him any better than you do, but we're stuck with him.'
We're crossing another 70s TV pilot off our Marvel list
with a version that Stan Lee said was one of the best adaptations of his work.
'Does it work?'
I don't like to disagree with the great Stan, but there are issues.
The film opens in Hell.
'500 years ago you failed me Morgan'
Now satan gives Morgan another chance.
'You have 3 days to accomplish this'
In hindsight, I should have got on this a few centuries ago, but you know how it is, everyone's busy.
I wonder if the good guys are any better prepared.
'We have three days'
This leaving things to the last minute should at least give proceedings a sense of urgency,
so what are they going to do?
'At the moment, nothing'
John Mills there. Who proves that actors know how to use the Force.
'Strange I want to see you now'
'Err, in a few minutes'
'In a few minutes'
Next we meet Dr Stephen Strange,
but the film has ditched the comic book's talented neurosurgeon who turns to magic when his hands are destroyed...
'You're late.'
and goes with prick, who can't even show up to work on time.
'Is that so.'
and does a bit of magic on the side.
'Alchemy, sorcery, magic.'
Eventually, it's 45 minutes before he tries any magic.
'Now it begins'
When he drops through the title sequence of Dr Who,
to rescue a girl trapped in an 80s music video.
Immediately after which...
'Surely you don't believe all this?'
So, you took a trip to another realm...
'You have lost her, come with me and save yourself.'
and now your questioning whether magic is real?
'This is really dumb'
Whereas beforehand...
'In the name of Ryall, scourge of demons, I command you begone'
In his defence the magic is pretty much limited to laser hands.
But I still can't help feeling that's the wrong way round.
'Is that all?'
No - bigger question: why is Morgan letting this happen?
'Why Morgan'
Satan is really pissed off.
'Thrice you had the opportunity to slay him, thrice you stayed your hand'
Why would she let a novice sorcerer who doesn't believe in magic even after doing it, live?
'I am still a woman and the man attracted me'
Well, I'd say that's terminally undermined her character to the point of no return.
'What makes you say that?'
And she is threatened with a terrible fate.
'No! please!'
I don't want to be Brian May!
'It is not funny.'
So she has another crack at Strange using John Mills as bait.
'Take of the ring and reign with Steven.'
But...
Her weak womanly desire once again lets her down and John mills is saved.
'I allowed Morgan to believe she had defeated me.'
So, there was nothing actually at stake, and even had there been,
Strange didn't win his through mastery magic but because 70s women can't resist a man with a tache.
'I don't have to put up with this!'
'Yes you do.'
This has all the symptoms of a bad pilot:
we're taking time to establish the characters ready to blow your mind with the rest of the series.
But there won't be a series cos the pilot is like watching paint dry!
'Sometimes'
A pilot needs to hit the ground running.
This hits the ground trudging like an athsmatic tortoise with rheumatism going the wrong way up an escalator.
'Well I think that's enough for now'
Sorry Stan, maybe you'll have better luck with Benefit Cricket match....
'No.'
Contradict Bandersnatch?...
'No'
Sherlock Holmes Boundary catch?
'No!'
Our made-for-tv Avengers are almost assembled. We've done spider-man Captain America the Fantastic Four
Can you guess which we're doing next here's a hint we usually time them with the movie releases?