♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND!
( APPLAUSE )
GUESTS TONIGHT. >> Louis: YEAH!
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, DOMHNALL GLEESON IS GOING TO BE
OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE BIT. YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE ROB THE X
MACHINA," AND THE "STAR WAR" MOVIES AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE
ACTRESSES OF ALL TIME, THE GREAT CATE BLANCHETT IS GOING TO BE
HERE TONIGHT.
FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I LOVE EVIE.
AND I HEAR YOU SAYING, "STEVE, IF YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH, WHY
DON'T YOU MARRY HER?" WELL, SPOILER ALERT, I DID!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS PHOTO-- THAT'S AN EMBARRASSING PHOTO.
THE PAPARAZZI SNAPPED THAT WHEN WE WERE GOING OUT TO GET THE
PAPER IN THE MORNING. THEY ARE RELENTLESS.
THERE'S A VERY SPECIAL DATE FOR US COMING UP.
IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY! WE WILL BE CELEBRATING 29
YEARS OF SALUTE-- SALUTE BLISS.
HOWEVER EVIE FEELS IT'S BEEN GOING.
NOW, NO ANNIVERSARY IS COMPLETE WITHOUT A THOUGHTFUL CARD, BUT
PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS GET THOSE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AROUND.
SO TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE EARLY ATTEMPTS IN
OUR SEGMENT: "FIRST DRAFTS."
WITH GIFTS. AND THE 29th YEAR IS THE
FURNITURE ANNIVERSARY. SO TO CELEBRATE, I GOT EVIE A
CHAIR RIGHT NEXT TO ME. PLEASE WELCOME MY INCREDIBLE
WIFE, EVIE!
YOU'RE A VISION. THERE YOU GO.
HAVE A SEAT. THERE YOU GO.
>> THANK YOU! >> Stephen: VERY NICE.
( APPLAUSE )
STAR ENTRANCE RIGHT THERE. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DARLING, HERE YOU GO.
I GOT YOU A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
>> THANK YOU! WHOA!
>> Stephen: I GOT YOU SOME FLOWERS.
THESE ARE WAY TOO BIG FOR THIS BIT.
>> HELLO! >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
HELLO, DARLING. >> THEY'RE MY FAVORITE.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THEY ARE. I'M GOING TO PUT THEM DOWN HERE.
SO I KNOW THEY'RE HERE. DARLING, YOU KNOW HOW THIS
WORKS. >> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO SAY HOW THIS WORKS OR SHALL I SAY
HOW THIS WORKS. >> YOU DO.
IN FIRST DRAFTS, I SHOW YOU A LOVELY ANNIVERSARY CARD THAT
MADE IT TO MARKET. THIS IS THE ONE THAT WAS
FINISHED AND STOLE BY THE CARD COMPANY.
AND THEN I SHOW YOU THE NOT-SO-LOVELY FIRST DRAFT.
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: IS THE PREMISE
ESTABLISHED. >> HERE, CHEERS.
>> Stephen: HERE'S TO 29 MORE. >> 29 MORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> THAT'S A LOT OF YEARS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A LOT YEARS.
DID YOU THINK WE'D MAKE THIS THIS FAR.
>> YES! DID YOU NOT?
>> Stephen: IT'S A COMEDY SHOW.
IT'S A COMEDY SHOW. I'M JUST MAKING JOKES.
>> WHAT I SAID NO. WHAT IF I WAS LIKE, "NO, I
THOUGHT WE'D ONLY LAST FIVE YEARS.
GLCHMENT WOW, I'D BE REALLY HURT.
( LAUGHTER )
WOULD MARRY YOU ALL OVER AGAIN, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE."
THAT IS NOT ONLY SWEET, BUT ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "IF I COULD, I WOULD MARRY YOU ALL
OVER AGAIN, MAINLY SO I COULD NOTDO ALL THOSE TEQUILA SHOTS
AT OUR RECEPTION. SORRY I THREW UP ON YOUR DAD.
WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER-- OKAY, SO, WE'RE COMING UP-- WE'RE COMING
UP ON 29 YEARS. WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER MOST ABOUT
OUR WEDDING? >> HOW HUNGRY I WAS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING.
>> IF THERE IS ANYBODY OUT THERE GETTING MARRIED, EAT, EAT DURING
YOUR WEDDING. I DIDN'T HAVE A BITE TO EAT ALL
DAY. >> Stephen: I WAS JUST SHAKING
HANDS AND THANKING PEOPLE AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW THEY WERE
SAYING, "YOU HAVE TO LEAVE SO PEOPLE CAN THROW THINGS AT YOU."
DO YOU REMEMBER TOSSING YOUR BOUQUET?
>> YUP, YUP, YUP. CAN WE SAY WHO-- ABOUT WHO --
>> Stephen: BROADWAY ACTRESS GENETIC HOFFMAN.
>> WAS AT OUR WEDDING, AND I THREW IT, AND SHE MISSED IT AND
THREW HERSELF ON THE GROUND. AND DID A WHOLE BIG THING.
I MEAN, SHE'S AN ACTRESS. BUT MY PARENTS FRIENDS CAN NOT
KNOW THAT SHE WAS AN ACTRESS. AND THEY THOUGHT --
>> Stephen: SHE WAS REALLY DISTRAUGHT.
>> REALLY DISTRAUGHT. >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
IT WAS VERY FUNNY. >> Stephen: SHE HAD A GREAT
WEEKEND. >> EVERYBODY HAD A GREAT
WEEKEND. I MEAN, WE HAD A FUN TIME.
THEY HAD A GREAT WEEKEND. >> Stephen: YES.
I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK AND ATTEND OUR WEDDING.
IT SEEMED LIKE A LOT OF FUN. >> I THINK IT WAS.
>> Stephen: CAN I HAVE THE NEXT CARD, PLEASE?
>> YES. >> Stephen: I LOVE THIS ONE.
IT SAYS I WON THE GE-LOTTO WITH YOU.
YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A PIZZA OF MY HEART.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "I WON THE GE-LOTs TO WITH YOU.
SORRY I CAN ONLY BOINCHG WITH THE LIGHTS ON.
THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE. >> THAT'S WHY THEY DIDN'T SELL
IT. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN YOU ANYTHING
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR OUR
ANNIVERSARY? >> THIS IS FUN.
>> Stephen: REALLY. >> THIS IS NICE.
I HAVE FLOWERS, CHAMPAGNE, ALL MY FRIENDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: WOW.
HOLLYWOOD HAS CHANGED YOU. >> YOU KNOW WHAT I REMEMBER?
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?
>> ANOTHER THING I REMEMBER ABOUT OUR WEDDING IS HOW
TERRIFIED I WAS OF YOUR AUNT MARGARET.
REMEMBER YOUR AUNT MARGARET. >>
>> Stephen: MY FATHER'S TWIN. >> I HAD NEVER MET HER BEFORE
AND SHE SMOKED AND SHE WAS 110 YEARS OLD ALREADY.
>> Stephen: SHE HAD SKIN LIKE FINE CORINTHIAN LEATHER.
>> SHE SAID, WELL, AREN'T YOU A PRETTY LITTLE THING."
I WAS 30 YEARS OLD. I THOUGHT I WAS 13.
I WAS LIKE,s, AH, HI." SHE SCARED ME SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: SHE AND MY GREAT-AUNT, THE TWO OF THEM,
THEY WERE SMOKING IN A FACILITY THAT ALLOWED NO SMOKING.
>>E YEAH. >> Stephen: AND THEY HAD
TAKEN-- THEY MADE AN ASHTRAY OUT OF THE SIGN THAT SAID,s, NO
SMOKING." THESE WERE TOUGH DAMES.
YOU KNOW WHAT MARGARET ALWAYS CALLS ME.
>> THE ROTTEN ONE. >> Stephen: YOU ROTTEN KID.
I CALLED HER UP ONCE AND SAID, "MARGARET, IT'S JIM'S SON."
SHE SAID, "WHICH ONE?" I SAID, "THE ROTTEN ONE."
AND SHE SAID, "HOW ROTTEN?" AND I SAID "THE ROTTENEST?"
AND SHE SAID, "HELLO, STEPHEN, HOW ARE YOU?"
( APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: WAS THAT OMINOUS?
>> YES, IT WAS. THIS CARD SAYS, "10 YEARS AGO
TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE AND EVERY DAY SINCE BECAUSE
NOW YOU'RE MY WIFE. >> THAT'S SWEET!
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "10
YEARS AGO WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE
I CAN'T BELIEVE I MET BON JOVI AT A JAMBA JUICE.
HE WAS SO NICE." EVIE MAGEE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DARLING!
BLANCHETT. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )