Man, I haven't had occasion to talk about a Kunio-kun game in a while. The flagship
franchise of Technos Japan, Kunio-kun got his start in what we knew as Renegade... but
is probably best-known for River City Ransom, as well as the series of over-the-top arcade
sports titles what would follow in its wake. Heck, we even got a few of them here in the
states, most notably Nintendo World Cup and Super Dodge Ball. But for each one we did
get, there were three that never made it across the pond. And thanks to friend-of-the-show
Ahmed in New York, I've got an entire weekend of Technos titles to tell you about as I hyperextend
this Famicom Friday twice over, starting with the multidisciplinary inter-scholastic throwdown,
Downtown Nekketsu Koushin Kyoku Soreyuke Daiundoukai. Which, unfortunately, doesn't involve Hamada
or Matsumoto in any way, shape, or form. No Cocorico here. Not even Yamazaki. Just a race
through back-alleys and a dude's house and sewers and such.
Yeah, it sounds fun, doesn't it? Unfortunately, while the concept might seem alright, the
execution is horrifying. I was totally on-board with the concept of a part-brawl part-race,
until coming to the realization the Famicom wasn't really the system to handle such a
thing. What you're left with is a mockery to both concepts: a race that doesn't care
how far you are ahead because you're all entering the next stage at almost the same time anyway,and
a beat-'em-up that doesn't really work. Pretty much every element of this title is flawed
in at least one respect, and usually more. It took me almost an hour just to win the
cross-country race once, at which point I was thrown into an almost-identical obstacle
course.
Your only real hope for getting ahead is to beat the bejeesus out of your opponents all
River-City-Ransom-style, and to that end the game is at least moderately competent. However,
once they manage to get off the stage you're going to have to catch up with them to do
more damage, and that's easier said than done. Your best bet is to find some manner of detritus
laying around and chuck it at 'em, because otherwise you're out of luck. Or, if you're
in the swimming section, you're out of luck. Or if you're in any place other than first
in the next-to-last room of the obstacle course, you're out of luck. Dudes'll already be crossing
the finish line by the time you get to the last screen, and then you have to do the whole
thing over again.
No, there's no way to skip ahead. You always do the events in the exact same order, and
you always repeat them if you fail to do well enough, which in my estimation means "GET
FIRST PLACE OR DO IT AGAIN." I couldn't even access two of the four events in this offering,
simply because I'd already been sat there for hours and wanted to put my fist through
the next person I saw. There's a way to game the system, theoretically, by grabbing an
item, chucking it against a wall, and picking it back up for five points each cycle, but
even if if you sit here and do nothing but bounce a stick off this family's table for
five minutes you might still lack the points to actually advance. And besides, I know that
standing in one place for five minutes of a cross-country race is AWESOME FUN, right?
I think not. But while it lacks... y'know, redeeming gameplay at all, it is a Technos
Japan game which means it's going to have adorable, fairly detailed character sprites
and one hell of a soundtrack. (Though if I ever hear Csikós Post ever again, be it in
Yoshi's Cookie or Pump it Up or wherever, there will be blood.) But for utter unplayableility,
above and below the call of duty, I fear I must award Downtown Gaki no Tsukai ya Arahende
the title of "Worst Kunio-kun game." Fortunately, Ahmed sent two more to compensate for this
stinkball burger, and they're MUCH MUCH better than this... sure, I'll say it. Barf. There
ya go.