Not too long ago I woke up, and I was in my bed.
I'm, like, all right, well you got nothing to do today.
Why not just spend the day thinking you have cancer?
[laughter]
And I had symptoms of something.
I had these tingling in my hands,
and my feet were tingling.
So, I'm, like, I better Google this shit.
And any time you Google symptoms, know in your heart
that all you're doing is looking to confirm that you're dying.
That's all you're heading for.
So, I start Googling "hands tingling,"
and I'm, like, I got a brain tumor.
So, I call my doctor up, my regular doctor,
and I'm, like, I'm in trouble.
My hands are tingling, my feet are tingling.
I'm pretty sure I probably have cancer in my brain, right?
And she's, like, what?
I'm, like, my hands and feet
are tingling, what else could that be?
And she's, like, nothing. It could be nothing.
And I'm, like, but I want to see a neurologist because I think,
I'm pretty sure I have a brain tumor.
I Googled it, and it seemed to add up.
She's, like, I'm not sending you to a neurologist, all right?
You come back in two weeks and if this is still happening
I'll think about sending you to a neurologist.
I'm thinking, like, oh, it's gonna be happening in two weeks.
I'll make sure of that.
So, I go back two weeks later and go, it's happening.
We're on with the cancer.
And she's, like, I don't think it's anything,
but I'll send you to a neurologist.
I'm, like, thank you.
So, I make an appointment at the neurologist.
This guy was--this was insane.
So, I walk into this neurologist.
He's about 80. I'm not saying that's bad.
I'm not an ageist, but he looked over it.
There's nothing worse than going to a doctor
and they're, like, bleh, what?
All right.
So, I walk in to this guy and I say,
you know, my hands are tingling and my feet are tingling.
And I think I'm in trouble.
Swear to you, the guy grabs one of my hands
and he presses his thumb into it
and he goes, that one's all right.
And then he, like, he does the same thing
to the other one. And he goes those are fine.
I'm, like, are you even a real doctor?
And I go what about the feet?
He goes, take your shoes and socks off.
I take my shoes and socks off--takes a pencil,
and rubs the eraser end at the bottom of my foot
and goes, that one's fine.
I'm, like, are you kidding me?
I'm, like, what kind of tests are these?
I want to see a diploma.
And then I go what about my ear?
My ear's clogging up. He goes, oh, we should probably
get you an MRI, and I'm, like, thank you.
That's all I was looking for, was the opportunity
to have an MRI.
So I go to the MRI place.
Have you had an MRI?
The machine takes up the whole room.
It's huge. Big, arcing thing.
Got a hole in the middle with a gurney.
It's such a great machine,
an amazing piece of technology, that the guy that operates it,
he's got to sit in a booth, like, away from it,
and do the controls, like he's NASA,
you know, for the MRI machine.
So, this amazing piece of technology,
the guy comes out of his booth,
he lays me out, he straps me down or whatever.
He lays me on the gurney and he slides me in
and he goes back to his booth and within 10 seconds
it starts going dun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun!
And I'm, like, what the hell is that?
Does it need oil?
What kind of machine makes that noise?
Then it's, like, nin-nin-nin-nin.
I'm, like, what kind of bullshit machine is this?
Is there a guy in there operating it?
I literally-- when I was in that machine
I had a fantasy at the end of the day, a little person
walked out and went, that was a rough day.
You're, like, he was in there doing something.
So, I don't know what the hell was going on with the machine.
I could Google that instead of cancer
and I'd know what was going on in the machine,
but I like the idea of a little man working in there.
So, I left it at that.
So, the guy--
I'm in there 45 minutes, and the guy pulls me
out of the machine and goes, you did real good in there.
I'm, like, well, there's a skill I didn't know I had.
I can exist in a tube for up to an hour.
If I ever need that.
So, now I'm face-to-face with this dude, this technician,
and I go so did you see the results?
And he goes, yeah, I'm the technician.
I saw them.
And I'm, like, well, what's up?
He's, like, I'm not a doctor. I can't tell you that.
And I'm, like, I'm looking him right in the eye,
and I'm, like, but you know.
You're looking me right in the eye.
You know if I have a tumor in my brain.
You know if I'm dying right now
and you're not gonna [bleep] tell me?
You're not gonna [bleep] tell me,
but you know if I'm dying or not?
But I didn't say that. I probably said, oh, okay.
So...
So, I swear this happened.
I'm about to leave the MRI room and he goes,
"Take care of yourself."
[laughter]
I don't know how he talks.
All I heard was,
"Good luck with the cancer."
So, now I'm freaking out.
I need to know now whether or not
I got brain cancer,
'cause I plan to start drinking again.
So, I wait there for a half hour and he gives me the results.
I drive them to my doctor's office that afternoon,
and I'm, like, hi, can he look at these now?
And she's, like, he'll look at them between 3:00 and 6:00.
I'm, like, what is he? The [bleep] cable guy?
This guy can't-- you can't focus in on a time
and I got to wait till the end of the day?
So, then the guy calls me, like, at 6:00.
He's, like, hello, Marc. This is Dr. Rosen.
And I'm, like, hi, what's up?
He goes, well, I looked at your MRI results.
And I'm, like, uh-huh?
And he goes,
"You have a normal brain for a man your age."
So, good news, but a little stick, you know what I mean?
You know...
no cancer, but I'm not gifted in any way.
But even after he told me all that stuff, like,
he wasn't clear enough with me.
'Cause he's, like, all right, so, if you need anything
that I can help you with, please call me back,
and I go, thank you very much. And I'm, like, wait!
No tumors, right? There were no tumors?
As if he's going to go, oh, shit,
I didn't mention that? Yeah--
Yeah, your brain's full of tumors.
Good luck with that.
Thank you.