-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome. Wow!
That is a crowd right there!
Oh, my goodness! [ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I'm very excited about this.
John Cena and Henry Winkler are my guests tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
In a little bit, we'll hear what it's like
to hit someone with a folding chair.
And we'll also talk to John Cena.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news first.
Well, guys, last night Senate Republicans used the filibuster
to block a major voting rights bill called
the For the People Act.
Yep, Democrats wanted things
like automatic voter registration
and Election Day to be a national holiday,
while Republicans wanted every polling place
to be at a yacht club.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. They blocked the For the People Act.
Senate Republicans haven't been this happy
since Kenny G started touring again.
[ Laughter ]
You can tell a lot of Republican Senators are ashamed
that they blocked the voting rights bill
'cause now they're scared to be seen in public.
In fact, some of them are even using body doubles.
For example, Senator Ben Sasse is using his body double,
SpongeBob. [ Laughter ]
I mean, it's getting that serious.
Next up, here's Senator Roy Blunt.
His body double is Jack Nicholson's Joker.
[ Laughter ]
He doesn't want to be seen in public.
-Wow. That's crazy.
-Senator Roger Marshall is using his body double,
a pack of Chiclets. [ Laughter ]
I mean, they don't want to be -- -They don't want to be seen.
-Senator Rick Scott is using his body double,
a human thumb. [ Laughter ]
Just walking around. -Wow. Oh, my gosh.
-Finally, of course, Mitch McConnell
is using his body double,
Toby Turtle. [ Laughter ]
It's just -- just to be safe.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, listen to this.
I read that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner
are trying to distance themselves
from former president Trump because they're tired of him
complaining about losing the election.
When he heard that one of his kids wanted distance,
Trump was like, "Please be Eric, please be Eric."
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is fun. During his weekly address,
Pope Francis had a surprise guest in the audience.
Watch this.
[ Laughter ]
Spider-Man.
[ Laughter ]
Vatican security was like, "Hey, I know we said everyone
should wear a mask, but this is taking it to a whole new level."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the visit ended when Spider-Man
kissed the Pope's ring upside down.
-Oh. -Kind of awesome.
[ Laughter ]
Well, Tinder rolled out a new feature yesterday called
"Hot Takes," which lets singles chat before matching.
And this is cool. As an added bonus,
they're providing users with a list of things
that you should avoid saying during this introductory chat.
[ Laughter ]
For instance, things such as,
"Only three more days until this ankle monitor comes off."
[ Laughter ]
Don't say that. -Don't say it.
-Don't start with it, at least, yeah.
Or how about this one?
"What do you know about starting insurance fires?"
[ Laughter ]
-It's called Tinder. -Yeah.
And finally, this one here, "It's crazy,
but this is the only dating app that hasn't banned me."
You shouldn't say those things to open up.
[ Applause ] Give it a little time.
Some more business news -- I saw that budget airline Frontier
recently added a COVID recovery charge
of $1.59 to passengers' tickets.
$1.59 might not sound like a lot,
but on Frontier, that's a round trip to Orlando.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Sam Adams is offering to pay
$10,000 wedding bar tab for couples who include
Sam Adams summer ale in their wedding vows.
[ Laughter ]
This is great.
Half the grooms in Boston already planned on saying it,
but now they might get paid. [ Laughter ]
Not to be outdone, you can also win 10% off the cocktail hour
if the priest yells "Hebrew National pigs in a blanket."
I know a lot of people out there that find math boring.
-Oh. -Yeah, math.
Well, we've updated math to make the equations
more about stuff that you can relate to.
It's time for "Popular Mathematics."
Here we go.
♪♪
♪ -Popular mathematics ♪
♪ Mathematics ♪
[ Laughter ]
-That's my favorite -- -I love that song.
-That's my favorite song. ♪♪
♪ -Popular mathematics ♪
♪ Mathematics ♪
-Do the robot. [ Applause ]
-Unbelievable. You guys are great.
Let's take a look at our first equation here.
Fly swatting plus grunting
equals Wimbledon.
You see what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
So that's how it works.
So if you take a high school graduation
plus the worst hangover you've ever had,
it equals college graduation. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. [ Applause ]
How about this one? If you take your day
minus two hours, minus another two hours,
plus six random songs stuck in your head for the next week,
it equals using TikTok.
-Oh. [ Laughter and applause ]
Two hours later.
-Here's another one.
Hard-shell tacos plus Uber Eats
equals soft-shell tacos. [ Laughter ]
Doesn't really -- they don't travel well.
-Yeah, they don't travel well.
Sog-gy ta-co!
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
[ Laughter ]
-Just instinct. I've never done that before in my life.
If you take a guy in Brooklyn
trying to get someone's attention
plus a guy in New Jersey trying to get someone's attention,
plus a mom,
it equals Yo-Yo Ma.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
"Yo." "Yo."
-Here's another one.
Pop-Tarts plus doing a semester abroad in Europe
equals Toaster Strudels.
-Oh. [ Laughter and applause ]
-And finally, if you take Captain America
plus Iron Man plus the Hulk plus IKEA,
it equals Avengers Assemble.
[ Laughter ]
That's all the time we have for "Popular Mathematics."