- Where were my dogs when I got robbed?
Where were my dogs?
I run, I go look at that security cameras.
I'll be damned if I didn't see four eyes
in the closet doing this shit right here.
They was looking at the whole thing.
You could hear them talking.
They was like, "God damn, they're taking everything.
Do you see this?
This is ridiculous.
They're not leaving nothing behind.
I'm glad we got our stuff in here.
You got your bed, you got your bowl.
We gotta get a guard dog.
I'm not gonna live like this.
This is not safe for us."
Bitch, you are the guard dog!
- We had to put our dog down recently
and it's a tough thing to do.
You know, there was, nothing was wrong with her.
I'm just really busy right now...
And she's, no.
She was very sick.
That was a joke.
All right, she was, that was a joke
and she would've loved that joke.
So don't you worry about it.
That's the type of humor she had.
She was a rescue.
It's not your Labradoodle humor, all right?
It's a little darker.
She was a wonderful dog.
We loved her and her name was Annie.
And the reason we got her was my sister worked at a vet
and people do put dogs down for no reason.
So if someone brought a dog in, that was fine.
They just didn't want it, my sister couldn't do it.
So she would walk the dog back and then just steal the dog.
Like, I don't know the laws on all that,
but I'm sure now people are finding out
that their dog's still alive right now.
Like, they're like...
So we got Annie.
Annie was getting put down.
She was a hunting dog and she was terrible at it.
And she was bred to be a hunting dog
and she was just like a misfit toy
that just couldn't, didn't do it.
She got shot once and that's 'cause the guy,
like she would like,
he would be like doing target practice
and then he would just,
she'd just walk in front of the targets
and he would like hit her.
And he is like, "What are you doing?"
And she's like, "What are you doing?"
She had no awareness about her,
like the senses that dogs have.
We had turkeys in our backyard once
and I let her out to go chase these turkeys,
you know, retired hunting dog.
Figured that's fun.
And we have very normal backyard.
It's not Yellowstone Park.
You can see all of it at all times.
I like push her out and she just pees
and then comes back in the house, never sees the turkeys.
And I'm just looking at her like,
you didn't feel anything, like nothing was going.
Like I sensed it as a human on the couch.
I felt there was turkeys outside.
You wanna take just one lap around?
See if...
The guy used her a lot for duck hunting.
So he would shoot a duck.
She's supposed to run and go get it and then bring it back.
So what I like to picture is he shoots duck,
she runs out, comes back, no duck.
And she's like, "I don't even know what we're doing yet.
All right, I did not...
A million things flew in the air when you shot that gun.
And I'm supposed to know which one you hit?"
And the guy's just looking at her
and then she's like,
"You're not even the guy that I came out here with."
"Ooh, do you see?
Is there another guy out here, by any chance?"
Our daughter would put birthday cone hats on her.
And one time one slipped over her eye
and it was like that for six hours.
I was just trying to see how long,
like how's it accidentally not coming off?
And she was just going about her day, just eating, drinking,
like, "Yeah, I can't see outta that eye no more.
All right, that's the cards I was dealt and that's okay."
And then I pulled it off of her and she's like,
"Oh, I didn't know you were a doctor."
And I'm like, "I am a doctor."
Just two dumb animals talking to each other.
- And she loves that my dogs prefer her over me.
She can't get enough of it.
When she leaves every day at 4:30,
Bert sits at the window, he sees her minivan take off
and he gets pissed and slams his head on the ground,
concusses himself and is in a blackout until 8:00 AM
when she returns the next morning.
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
which was is the entire reason I even have dogs,
it's all I wanna do is just sleep with them.
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
I have to lure them like a molester.
I have to get their leashes inside the house.
I have to put their leashes on inside the house
and I have to get a chicken wing out of the refrigerator.
And then I have to put on one of Mabel's scarves
so they smell her scent.
And I have to speak in Spanish the whole way up
to my bedroom and say, "Come to mama, papa. Venga."
"Venga, vamos, vamos."
I've had more one night stands
that are less demeaning than my relationship with my dogs.
And then when they get up to my bedroom,
I put lure them up the doggy steps.
And when they're on the bed, I have to kick the steps away
so that they're trapped.
- I love dogs.
I'm a dog person, not a cat person.
I had a cat once at uni.
It was dreadful.
Well done, if you've got a rescue cat
and you get on with it.
This cat I got was satanic.
It hissed at me.
It let me touch it once a week.
It was like living with a cold Russian whore.
Sex worker...
Sorry.
But it was a, it was a mean cat.
So I was like, "I'm gonna get a wee dog."
And then my boyfriend said, "You can't,
you're away on tour too much.
Get a cat."
Well, I got a cat.
I got a fancy luxury cat.
I didn't get a cat that attacks you for no reason.
I got a lobotomized pedigree cat.
Just, you just cradle like a mental patient, it's amazing.
I love this cat more than either of my parents.
Within six months I had a plumber come round
and he said that the cat looked lonely.
He just made this passing comment, the cat looked lonely.
I immediately bought another cat to help the first cat.
I love my cat so much.
I bought him a pet cat, right?
I love him more than you could ever know.
In spite of this, I'm not a cat person.
I'm a dog person without a dog.
You understand, right?
The people in my life don't.
As soon as I got the cats
and I started posting about them on Instagram,
people closest to me, my mom, my best friend of 20 years,
started calling me a cat lady.
And buying me disgusting cat themed gifts.
Hideous mugs with cats on them.
Tacky paintings of a woman holding a cat in her lap.
Why would I like that?
They're such an offensive gift.
I love my cats 'cause they're great little guys.
I've raised them from when they were kittens.
I've cleaned up their mess.
I love them because they have amazing personalities.
Not because they're cat shaped.
It'd be like, you guys, you guys are together, right?
You love him.
You maybe post about him on social media.
I would never dare give you a calendar
of similar looking bald men.
Why don't you like your present?
They all look vaguely like him.
- My patience is definitely wearing thin.
I know it is.
You know how I know?
Because I'm not the same guy that I used to be with my dogs.
And I'm a dog dude, people.
I love dogs.
Do you hear me?
Love dogs.
Shouts out to my other dog lovers.
If you're here tonight,
shouts out to you.
Love dogs.
I got two dogs.
I got a big ass Doberman.
That's Roxy, that's my heart.
Love Roxy to death.
Then we got a little Min Pin, that's Riggs.
I'm gonna be honest with y'all.
I don't give a fuck about that dog.
That's my wife dog.
I don't care.
I don't care about that dog.
But my dog, my dog is trained.
Trained to the max.
But I got comfortable.
I got comfortable with my dog.
And when you get comfortable, things change.
True story.
I wake up 5:30 in the morning, I walk in my hallway,
my dog went to the bathroom in the hallway.
I see it.
I got a decision to make.
Do I go get my dog, discipline my dog
and clean this up right now?
Or do I get back into bed
and deal with it later when I wake up?
It's 5:30.
I chose to get back in the bed.
I'll deal with it later when I wake up.
7:15, my wife wakes up.
All I hear is,
"Oh my God, the dog went to the bathroom in the hallway."
I sat up acting like I didn't know nothing.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me!"
I said, "You want me to get it?
You want me to clean it up?"
She was like, "no, I'm up now, I'll get it."
I was like, "Exactly."
"Exactly.
I knew you would get it.
That's why I left it there.
I exactlied you!"
- So I love my cats an embarrassing amount.
I really hate how much I love them
because I've always hated other...
I don't know why this is.
People that are too, too into animals.
The outcomes are never good.
Tiger King, the Australian guy.
Do you know what I mean?
It doesn't pan out well for them.
So you don't wanna love animals too much.
There's also a cliche that autistic people can connect
with animals more.
And you just love having pets more than neurotypical people.
And I do feel that way.
My cats are present with me in a way that humans aren't.
They don't judge me on anything that I say.
I can do so many things with my cats
that I can't do with my friends.
I can masturbate in front of them with
no change in their facial expression.
You can't do that with your human friends
unless you're Louis C.K.
- I got pets.
I love my little pets.
I got monkeys and shit.
My monkeys died though.
Yeah, I had two squirrel monkeys.
You ever seen them squirrel monkeys?
They got them hands.
They freak a dog out.
They do.
They get on a dog and them fingers touch a dog.
I had a one named Fran.
I named him Fran because the first time I opened the cage,
he ran up my arm and stuck his dick right in my ear.
He did!
It felt like a wet Q-tip, right?
Pissed all on my cheek.
I had to throw him up in the ceiling.
He'd do that to anyone.
I'd invite over people, you know, just to fuck with them.
You know?
"Go and open the cage up."
You know, up their arm.
I remember one time this guy from Warner Brothers
was coming over, he was going to do a film with me.
And he came over and he opened the cage
and I said, "Don't open the cage!"
"Well you won't be doing any films at Warner Brothers,
that's for god damn sure.
Want to get this monkey's dick outta my ear, Rich?
Jesus Christ!
Come on, dear.
We'll put something over my head there.
We'll just say it's a hump.
Let's go."
So I got him a woman, you know, 'cause he was fucked up.
I got him a woman, called her Sister, right?
He did the same to her.
Run right in the cage.
She said, "Freeze!
First thing I gotta show you where the pussy is."
And he got him some monkey pussy and freaked.
He just went out of his mind, man.
At night he'd be up there unlocking the cage and shit.
And then they'd run away and stay two and three days, right?
And you could hear him in the trees.
Sometimes far away.
Sometimes not far.
Finally about the third day he came in,
he was fucked up, right?
- I love animals and I love animal lovers.
My favorite are the people
that carry around the dog in a bag.
Whenever I see that, I always think wouldn't an adorable way
to let us know you're crazy.
Because they're crazy.
They're carrying around an animal that can walk in a bag.
They're not going to the vet, they're shopping.
That's okay.
But if I carry around a canned ham, I'm a weirdo.
It'd be one thing if the dog looked happy,
but the dog always has a look on his face,
like, "Can you believe I'm sitting in a purse?
I was part of Mexican royalty."
But I get it.
I love dogs and I think it's cute
when people dress their dogs up.
But how do you have your dog in a jacket
and walk by a homeless person?
Sorry, I'd help, but I spent all my money on a coat
for my animal that's born with a coat.
I love cats.
Some people don't like cats.
Our neighbor has a cat and she lives in a studio apartment
or as I referred to it, a litter box.
One time she asked me, she was like,
"Can you even tell I have a cat?"
And I was like, "No, But I can tell you have a box of turds
in your apartment."
I'm not sure if that's the same question.
We all have the friend with the cat, right?
And the small place you visit them,
the cat does their business.
You don't really acknowledge it,
you just go on with a conversation.
"What do you want on your pizza?"
"Bleach.
Febreze.
Can we open a window or knock down on a wall?
Are my eyes bleeding?
How about we throw a diaper on the kitty?"
But I get it 'cause I love animals.
I think being around animals, there's a healing quality.
But I also think we give animals too much credit.
Like a dog is man's best friend.
I've never seen a dog help someone move.
Yes, horses are graceful and elegant
until you see them poop standing up.
Dolphins are smart.
Learn English like Jesus did.
For the record, I would never eat a dolphin
'cause I don't like fish.
And I know I'll get Tweets where people will say,
"Dolphins are mammals."
And those are the people I block.