-We don't always have enough time to cover
all of the recent news, so here with a recap
is one of our writers Amber Ruffin
in a segment we call "Amber Says What?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You guys! Things have been crazy.
First of all, Jay Z joined Instagram,
and I was like -- [ Gasps ] -- "What?"
Then he amassed 2 million followers in one day,
and I was like, "Whaaat?"
Then he quit a day later, and I was like, "What...a smart move."
[ Laughter ]
Then, Facebook changed its name to Meta, and I was like,
"What? Meta? How am I gonna adjust
to this very big name change? Let me try it out.
Uncle Joe, quit believing everything you read on Meta!"
Oh, still works. [ Laughter ]
But I'll tell you what doesn't work.
My stubborn Uncle Joe.
Then, the emoji council released a beans emoji,
and I was like, "What?
Council? There's a whole emoji council?"
I was like, "Yes. Beans cute, but council?
They all wearing robes and conjuring up visions
in an orb council?" [ Laughter ]
Emoji council? What?
Which one of us got the meaning for the word "council" wrong?
Council? As in a council met
and deliberated, and they came up with this?
It's emojis! All you need is a 24-year-old
improvisor with a pad and a pen.
Man, that emoji news had me all like...
[ Laughter ]
And then, I heard Bezos offered Tom Hanks
a seat on his rocketship to space.
And I was like, "What?
Tom Hanks doesn't want to go to space?
That man was in 'Apollo 13,'
and he does not want to go to space with you."
This man had to land a plane in the Hudson.
He has no need to go to space.
This man has found true love with a mermaid.
He does not yearn to wander to the final frontier.
It makes no sense!
Then, a woman who participated in the January 6th insurrection
bragged on social media that she wouldn't go to jail
because she's white with blonde hair and has a good job,
and I was like, "Whaaaat?"
Every part of that is wrong. But blonde?
There are no blonde people in jail?
What? Paris Hilton went to jail.
Martha Stewart went to jail.
Felicity Huffman, she went to jail.
And if you told me those were the only blonde women
to ever go to jail, I would believe that.
Anyway, that woman was sentenced to 60 days in jail,
so it's at least four blonde women in jail.
[ Cheers and applause ] 1, 2, 3, 4 -- 4.
Then I found out that Kristen Stewart
is getting married! And I was like, "What fun!"
Then I heard that Guy Fieri was gonna officiate,
and I was like, "What? Guy Fieri? What?"
I did not know it was gonna be
a destination wedding in Flavortown.
I love it!
And that wasn't even the craziest celebrity wedding news.
Then, Kal Penn tweeted about being on a plane
and sitting near Cardi B. and how he wanted her
to officiate his wedding, and she tweeted she would.
I was like, "What?!" Because -- true story --
I sat next to Kal on a flight, too,
and he didn't ask me to do [bleep]
Then, I found out Aaron Rodgers got COVID, and I was like,
"This cannot be." Aaron Rodgers,
the kid I went to elementary school with?
And they were like, "No, the Green Bay quarterback,
Aaron Rodgers." And I was like, "What?"
And then I found out that he had tricked everyone
into thinking that he was vaccinated.
And I was like, "Wh-a-a-at?
Finally, football has enough drama for me."
[ Laughter ]
Just kidding. This is very bad, and I hate it.
When a reporter asked if he was vaccinated,
he said he was "immunized."
Now, you know he was lying right there.
Whenever people use a different word to answer a question,
it is a telltale sign they're lying.
"Hey, are you married?"
"You don't see a ring on my finger, do you?"
"Good enough for me." [ Laughter ]
Now, to Rodgers' credit, he may have been lying,
but his whole vibe was trying to tell us the truth.
Then, in the Virginia governor's race, there was a commercial
where a mom tried to get a book banned
because she said it made her son uncomfortable.
And I was like, "What are you doing with it?
Is this child sitting on a book?"
But it turns out it was a Toni Morrison book.
Now, people are always trying to get her books
banned from schools, and I'm always like, "What?"
Stories about the effects of slavery
make you feel uncomfortable? Bitch, try living them!"
Then, something utterly unbelievable happened.
Hundreds of QAnon believers showed up in Dallas, because --
and this is real -- I did not believe, like,
the first like four articles I read about it.
But it's true.
They were expecting to see JFK Jr.
Now, I read this and was like, "What?!
You were expecting to see JFK Jr.?
What? Why did you expect him
to show up, and what were you expecting?
A man who has not aged? An old man?
A zombie? What?
Do you have a sixth sense?
What about senses one through five?
What?" [ Laughter ]
"Who was he rolling with?
Santa, the Tooth Fairy, Genghis Khan?
What are the rules?"
Then I found out that they thought JFK Jr.
was coming back to be Trump's running mate.
And I was like, "What?!" [ Laughter ]
You think a famous Democrat came back from the dead
to be the Republican vice president?
A position, by the way, which almost got the last guy hung?
[ Laughter ] What?
How do you function in your day-to-day life?
Because if you start out waiting for word from somebody
who has been dead since 1999, you can't possibly run yourself
a bath or open a jar. [ Laughter ]
How do you send or receive mail?
Do you have a bank account? [ Laughter ]
What will you do to keep yourself safe
from misinformation?
Will you take your computer and throw it into the sun?
Please, take your computer and throw it into the sun.
Uncle Joe, take your computer and throw it into the sun!
This has been "Amber Says What?"
[ Cheers and applause ]