Hello. My name is Henry Rollins, and today I will be reading
and deconstructing, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss.
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away--
Now, the thing that bugs me...
Am I a pain in the ass? I'm complaining by the first page.
It's a guy, so what, women don't get to go anywhere, or is
travel just designated for smirking, self satisfied Caucasian males.
I'm mad already. Let's go on, shall we?
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.
Again, this is, to me, male overreach.
This is basically shutting women down for their reproductive health rights.
This is men telling women what to do in the entertainment industry.
This is why there's so many angry women in the world,
'cause they pick up a child's book that's supposed to be for
all children, and they see some frickin' white guy walking through some gated community.
I'm getting madder and madder.
You'll look up and down streets.
Look'em over with care. About some you will say,
"I don't choose to go there."
Who talks like that?
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.
That is of course if you have feet to walk on, or
maybe you're in a wheelchair, or maybe you caught a stray bullet
from America's gun laden streets, and you are not ambulatory...
Or maybe you came back from this awful endeavor in Iraq and Afghanistan,
and you don't have full use of your body.
And so, if that's the case, you might not be heading out of town.
You might be trying to kill yourself, which happens with
Veterans far too often, but in this kid's case, he's ambulatory,
doesn't look like he has any money, but that doesn't matter does it?
It's opener there in the wide open air.
The only opener I understand is an opener, like your first line,
like, "Good evening ladies and germs, I just got back from las wages."
[rimshot]
But as far as it's opener there, you're getting kids at a
formative age, and you're teaching them to speak poorly.
And that's okay if you want to be in Congress, but--
-[rimshot] ---not working for me.
Out there things can happen and frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along. You'll start happening too.
And here we get... we press the elephants into tasks. They get to work.
To keep you out of sun, they get to carry your shade.
And look how happy they are to be in servitude.
These gorgeous animals wrenched from a life in the wild,
and there they are pressed into service to transport some little
bastard from here to there.
And where did he get the elephants? How is he paying for them?
Are they being fed?
How did he just acquire them.
Who knows? It's Dr. Seuss.
I had a rotten childhood. Do you want me to go into that?
Probably not.
Oh!
The places you'll go!
Elephants gone. Hot air ballon.
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
So immediately all of your friends are elitist.
They live in the rare air.
Not down with the hoi polloi.
Not admired with the rabble, and their middle to low class concerns.
You're in first class in a netherworld of mountains and corny castles.
Oh and there's so many of you. You're a gang.
You're the 1%.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have all the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
'Cause anything less than being number 1,
you're a pussy, and you need to get out of my country.
Either be number 1 or die kid.
That's what I want my child to know.
I want to threaten him with excellence.
Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true,
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
And you'll be left in a Lurch.
If your friends were worth their weight in salt,
they would double back and come and get you.
These people were never your friends.
Your gang sucks!
They leave you hanging out to dry.
Now you're prey.
Homo sapiens are like the rottenest creatures on the planet.
Your claws can't scratch anything. You can't run away from
any predator or animal that wants to take you down and eviscerate you.
And his gang has left him very vulnerable.
Raptor birds could be coming for this little bastard at any point.
Meanwhile his friends have gone on not even looking behind them.
Sucks to be this kid now.
And so what... what are we teaching children with this?
Loyalty? Helpfulness? No.
When one of your friends lags behind, screw'em!
Just move on and realize your own destiny.
But don't worry, he's a rugged American. He's a real American.
He'll be fine.
Hopefully he's got a gun stuffed somewhere in there.
You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are then, that you'll be in a Slump.
[sigh] Dr. Seuss needs better writers.
And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
Well, now you're on your own walking through some existentialist nightmare.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked--
Great.
--A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
I don't know how one can sprain one's chin.
And I must say, Dr. Seuss' idea, this thing is really falling flat.
This ends in one season.
And if you should go in, you turn left or right...
Or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
So basically it sounds like the kid is given different choices of
what house he's going to break into.
And so now, we're teaching how to split from your friends,
how to [scoffs] break into houses, and get something for nothing. Red state.
Now the kids' motoring... hopped up on something.
I guess you can reach into almost any medicine cabinet in an American household,
and either find extra bullets, dexedrine, vicodin, whatever,
because you're feeling no pain.
You can get so confused that you'll start in to race...
Okay. So he got some uppers.
Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles--
That's speed.
--Across weirdish wild space-- Ketamine.
--Headed, I fear, for a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
Ooh and now, now you find your people.
Bored people high on mediocrity. They're waiting for nothing,
and they're happy just to sit around, and let it all go by.
Let's read on.
For people just waiting, for a train to go,
or a bus to come, or a plane to go,
or mail to come, or the rain to go,
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow,
or waiting around for a yes or no,
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Fuck you! I'm not waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite, or waiting for wind to fly a kite,
or waiting around for Friday night,
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake,
or a pot to boil, or a better break,
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants,
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance-- Which is capitalized.
--Everyone is just waiting.
Jeez. They're waiting to use an outhouse?
Look how far the line goes back to use the restroom.
You know what that is? That's poor planning.
And that's why a lot of people wait in a lot of places.
You know what they could be waiting to do?
They could be waiting to vote.
They could be in a district that's been gerrymandered,
and they might be waiting 5 hours, 8 hours in the hot Florida sun,
so they can vote, and that's how there country's treating them.
That's how this country is treating democracy.
It's something you wait in a long line for. [whistles]
This is depressing. This is a stone cold bummer.
You like waiting for anything? I don't have time to wait.
I'm one of the most impatient people I've ever met.
Oh good. [whistles]
No! That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.
Now, this book is showing some promise. We have a band,
and we're starting to show some ethnicity.
So are these people from... are they Muslims?
In a Donald Trump America, they're not in my country.
Let's see. So the Boom Band is playing.
Ooh no. We're back to the elephants who willfully perform for the kid.
With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
If I was a little girl, I would feel really left out of this book.
This would basically say to me, "You're not really in the mix."
And the only women, I've seen in this book... let's rewind. Analog.
[pages flipping]
The only time women are introduced so far in all the
places you will go, are seen as sedentary types who are
satisfied with just waiting around.
They wait in line to use the restroom it seems,
they sit on the couch,
they're waiting for ski season, like they've got nothing else to do,
and they're hanging around a bunch of dipshit men who are
stupid enough to wait around to.
The mean version of me is oh so cynical.
The mean version of me is oh so clinical, but I hate misogyny, and I find it everywhere.
So let's keep going, shall we? Because we are that kind of guy.
Oh, the places you'll go! The fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And magical things you can do with that ball--
Oh, I see. There's the ball.
And there's magical things you can do with that ball will make
the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
This is really offensive.
We're basically saying what's the thing we value...
Oil spotting your friends. When your friend isn't in a lurch you split.
You bypass mediocre people, because you want to be famous.
You want to be on TV. You want to win.
Basically, this is promoting reality television.
This is basically saying, "Go ahead. Son, you want to be Duck Dynasty too?"
Aspire. This is what you aspire to.
To win, to be famous, and to be viewed on TV, but let's move on.
I'm really raining on Mister... Dr. Seuss' parade.
Is he really a doctor?
Except when they don't Because, sometimes they won't.
I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.
I think I played that game last night at around 19:45 hours.
I've been playing that game since I was about 14. Hello!
All Alone--
Biting into Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner:
Alone, alone. All alone. Alone on a wide, wide sea.
We learned that in 9th grade so we could understand the
definition of alliteration. That was the only teacher I really
bonded with in high school. His name was Mr. Clinger, and he liked me,
and sometimes he would call me at night at my mom's apartment drunk.
He'd go like, "Oh Henry, you worry me so much."
All alone, whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants--
But we don't get to see that.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
God, this book is really taking me through a lot...
Whoa! Whoa! Phallic symbol or what?
Am I reading too much into that, or is that an erection?
But on you will go though the weather be foul.
On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go through Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
I'm speechless. It's almost over.
On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
Your problems so far is that you're a self interested,
awful friend, who's concerned with fame and winning.
And you're a guy.
You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know.
You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
Be sure when you step,
step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
You know, I'd like to hang out with the strange birds.
The strange birds have always been my people.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
Oh, this is great.
99 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.
Kid, you'll move mountains!
98 and 3/4 percent of Americans in this century will experience
water and food insecurity, and the other percent living on the
top of the mountain, the heads of all the super PACs,
they will determine your future, unless you get on it now.
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... get on your way!
[sigh]
I'm sure I've made many enemies. I hated this.
I detested this book. [laughing]
And I'm not trying to rain on the parade of...
I just think we need to be far more charitable to those around us,
and remember that we share the world with lots of other people
coming in through a whole lot of doors,
and it's not always about winning.
I've learned far more lessons from losing than I ever have from winning.
Far more. It's made me really, really funny, good looking,
witty, and mostly humble.
I thank you.