(bleep) you.
(laughter, applause)
My least favorite new food chain is Connecticut Muffin.
I don't know if you guys have heard of it.
I don't know how they came up with that name.
It's, like, you know what we gotta do is sell these muffins.
Tell everybody they're from Connecticut,
land of the muffin.
Like, Connecticut Muffin sounds like what a rich person uses
instead of the word (bleep), you know.
"She's a real Connecticut muffin, that one."
You couldn't make Connecticut Muffin bad-ass if you tried.
Like, Connecticut Muffin sprawls across the TV screen
in flames and then Ted Nugent
kicks through and starts (bleep) a blueberry muffin
on a Confederate flag, and he's, like:
"The South shall rise again!
"Along with this muffin top.
"Connecticut Muffin, eat one
or we'll Connecti-- (bleep) your (bleep) dicks off."
As I mentioned before, I am single.
(laughter)
I was...
...at a bar the other night.
Hitting on this girl.
And about half-way through, uh, she said,
"You remind me of a heavier Charles Manson."
That's what she said to me.
Like, how could you make, "You remind me
of Charles Manson" even more insulting?
It's, like, you remind me of Adolf Hitler,
but with less personality.
Being single sucks now, man.
They got a Whole Foods singles night.
How pretentious is that?
I want to see a ShopRite singles night,
that's what I want to see.
Like, a Whole Food singles night is, like,
oh, my God, we like the same cous cous,
let's get a Chardonnay.
ShopRite singles night is, like,
hey, after you help me steal this Capri Sun
can you help me raise my (bleep) kids?
Um, my girlfriend left me about ten months ago.
You know, I don't want to say left me
as much as she Free Willy-jumped over me
and I touched her stomach on the way down.
It's interesting-- I've gotten my heart broken by women twice.
The first time I got my heart broken
and somebody asked me what went wrong, I was like,
"She's a jerk, that's what went wrong."
But when you're the one who messes up a relationship,
and people ask you what happened,
you start to sound like the head of FEMA after Katrina.
They'd be like,
"Dan, what happened with you and Amy?"
And I'm like, "Um, mistakes were made, uh...
"There, uh, wasn't enough oversight, um...
"We're working around the clock
to make sure this doesn't happen again."
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
A lot of my guy friends are like,
"Well, did you send her an angry e-mail?"
I'm like, any woman who stayed with me
for more than six months
does not get an angry e-mail.
If anything, she deserves a medal ceremony.
It's like, coming in silver, Christina Ryan,
for pretending not to notice
Dan crying during
And gold, Jen Mallick, for letting Dan be the spoonee
because he was afraid of a tree
outside their window.
I, uh, I feel bad for women, though, 'cause as like guys,
we can be tits or asses guys.
That's pretty sweet-- right?
Women don't have that.
Like, you can't be a dick or a balls girl.
That doesn't work.
(laughs)
She just said, "Both."
You got a winner, buddy, uh...
(laughs)
I'm a balls girl.
I put both balls inside my (bleep),
and I call it "the devil's falafel."
That doesn't work at all.
Devil's falafel-- I'm selling the puppets outside.
I'm the next Jeff Dunham.
Don't forget it, don't forget it.
I knew things were, uh, starting to go south with me and the ex.
Uh, we went out for Cuban food, uh,
right before we broke up,
and she started to turn into Robert Duvall-- here's why:
Uh, the waiter asked, "Would you like beans
or rice with your meal?"
And she said,
"Beans is fine."
She said "Beans
I'm like, "Honey, did you just put down a horse?"
"Beans is fine" is the saddest three-word sentence
in the English language
besides "Crops dried up,"
or "Daddy done dead."
Those are the only things sadder.
Stop sounding like an
who dies halfway through the journey.
The worst... the...
the... (laughs)
the, uh, the worst part about being single
is being a third wheel, especially if you're out
with a couple in the beginning stage of a relationship.
Where everything they do is
precious and adorable.
I went out with this couple and the girl leaned in and goes,
"Dan, Dan, you're never gonna guess
"what me and Jeremy did last Friday.
"I shouldn't say anything, I can't say anything.
I shouldn't say anything."
In my head, I'm going, "Please don't say anything,
please don't say anything, please..."
"Okay...
"We cued up the Netflix....
"We rented
"We made space helmets out of tin foil,
"and we pretended that we were lost in space with Tom Hanks.
"Oh, my God,
"I shouldn't have said anything.
I can't believe I said anything, I shouldn't..."
You're right, you shouldn't have said anything.
'Cause I don't know if you've seen
The first half of the movie, the astronauts are up in space
and they're enjoying it.
The second half, they just get really sick
and think they're gonna die up there.
You don't dress like characters from a depressing movie.
That's not
that's not
"Hey, guys, you got to come to my place this Friday.
"You got to come to my place-- movie party.
"But remember to bring your bellhop costumes
'cause we watching
You don't do that.
I want to get in a really unhealthy relationship,
and pass off our dysfunction as something couples do.
Like, "Guys, guys, you're never gonna guess
"what me and Roxy did last Friday.
"I shouldn't say anything, I can't say anything.
I shouldn't say anything."
"What did you do, Dan, what did you do?"
"She made mashed potatoes,
"they weren't warm enough, I beat the shit out of her.
"Oh, my god, I shouldn't have said anything.
I can't believe I said anything."