Let's begin with the 2024 presidential race,
a decision that will come down to how
deeply Americans hold the very democracy
that sustains our society.
And also, stuff like this.
Tonight, the former President Donald Trump fundraising
off his mugshot, again.
He's now offering people the chance
to buy this, quote, "historic gift"
just in time for Christmas.
"Mugshot Edition."
That's what they call it.
Digital trading cards.
And if you buy 47 of them, you will
get a piece of the suit Trump wore
when his mug shot was taken.
Now, to do all of that, it will run you about $4,600.
My last two Trump digital trading card collections
sold out in just ours.
And now I'm back with my latest series,
called the Mugshot Edition.
It is an authentic piece of the suit I wore when I
took that now-famous mugshot.
And it was a great suit, believe me.
A really good suit.
It's all cut up, and you're going to get a piece of it.
I'll be autographing some of them.
A true collector's item.
This is something to give to your family,
to your kids and your grandchildren.
Ah, yes.
Mwah.
What a perfect gift for the dad you stopped talking to.
[laughter]
I wish that I loved anything as much as Trump loves
scamming his own supporters.
And, look, if you're thinking, oh, this isn't funny.
He's tricking people out of their hard-earned money
for pieces of fabric from indicted men's warehouse,
let's be honest, OK?
It's not like this money was going to otherwise
end up in a Roth IRA.
It was either an NFT Trump or a second pet snake.
In fact, the popularity of these NFTs
makes me think that Biden should run
this video as a campaign ad.
Because you can afford it, right?
If you can afford to blow five grand on a piece
of a suit with mustard stains, the economy
must be doing pretty good.
[laughter]
And I'm-- I will confess something to y'all.
I actually think these are all really pretty cool cards.
They got Trump as a soldier.
Trump with lightning hands.
Trump as a robot.
But, like, why don't any of these cards
show off his amazing policy accomplishments?
Like-- like, where's a card showing
Trump tackling a doctor who's about to perform an abortion?
Like, where's one of him heroically
catapulting a refugee child far away from his family?
Oh, was that too much for you?
[laughter]
Or how about one of him patriotically lighting
a Tiki torch for a neo-Nazi?
Ah, yeah, those was the days, y'all.
Those was the days.
Second term is going to be great.
All right, let's move on from something that's
destroying America to something that's
destroying the whole world.
Climate change.
Very uplifting for you tonight, I'm telling you.
Everyone knows that it's time to stop talking
and do something about the climate crisis,
and that's just what the nations of the world
are talking about doing.
An historic deal has just been
announced at the COP28 climate conference in Dubai.
It urges nations for the first time
to transition away from fossil fuels.
REPORTER: So the most significant thing about this
is that agreement to transition away from fossil fuels.
And in the 28 years of these summits,
this is the first time the final agreement actually
uses the words "fossil fuels."
Now, other key points of this deal
include a call to triple the amount of renewable energy
sources worldwide by 2030 while relying less on fossil fuels
and achieve what's known as net-zero carbon emissions
globally by mid-century.
And in the end, these are just words on paper.
What matters now is whether or not
nations quickly cut their planet-warming emissions.
That's right.
The world's nations pledged net-zero emissions
by 2050, which is fantastic.
But they also offered no plan to enforce
it, which is not fantastic.
This agreement is basically like when
you tell a former co-worker that you should
"get together sometime."
Yeah, we should totally grab a drink.
Definitely by 2050.
I'll text you.
Even holding the conference in one
of the oil capitals of the world was a major [bleep]
you to climate change.
It's like-- it's like celebrating
Hanukkah at Kanye's house.
Like-- look, I'm not saying COP28 was a bad idea itself.
Like, people's Insta posts look super fun.
But maybe there should be some consequences for not achieving
your goals, aside from, you know, like,
the whole world ending thing.
Either way, look, congratulations, COP28.
You may not have solved the climate crisis,
but you didn't not not not solve it.
And, finally, let's talk about gerrymandering.
It's the reason some congressional districts
in America look like a Rorschach test.
Well, that one just looks like my kindergarten
teacher yelling at me.
Gerrymandering is when politicians draw districts
to help their party win because the alternative is
winning on your ideas.
And that's, like, way harder.
[laughter]
With Congress so closely divided, control of the House
could hinge on which party gerrymanders the best, which
is why a court decision in New York could change everything.
New York's highest court has thrown out the state's
congressional map, a ruling seen
as a major win for Democrats.
REPORTER: The new maps to be drawn
by the independent redistricting commission
could give Democrats a shot to take back the US House.
The high court ruled last year that Democrats
had unconstitutionally gerrymandered districts.
A neutral, court-appointed special master
drew new lines that helped Republicans flip four seats
last November, but judges today said those maps were
only supposed to be temporary.
And in a 4-to-3 vote, the Court of Appeals upheld a challenge
and tossed out the current maps.
That's right.
New York's highest court is letting
Democrats gerrymander again, which
is not good for democracy.
Unless it helps Democrats protect
democracy, in which case being bad for democracy
is good for democracy.
I'm so confused.
Oh, my kindergarten teacher was right.
I am stupid.
The question is, is it unethical for Democrats
to engage in gerrymandering?
And to debate this moral dilemma,
we turn to Ronny Chieng and Desi Lydic.
[cheers, applause]
Ronny, let me-- let me actually start with you.
Should Democrats be doing the thing they've always
criticized Republicans for?
Of course not, Kal.
And after that question, and I mean no disrespect,
but I've lost all respect for you.
Like Trump says-- like Trump says about his sons,
two wrongs don't make a right, OK?
In the Olympics, when Russia gets caught doping,
we punish them.
We don't let every other country start doping.
All that would do is create a world
of athletes with tiny balls the size of sesame seeds.
OK. That's a fair point.
Desi, what do you think?
Well, Kal, in my professional opinion,
I think Ronny should stop being such a little bitch.
[laughter]
When your opponent plays dirty, you
throw on your brass knuckles and punch
him right in the sesame seeds.
You don't stand there complaining about the rules.
You take the rulebook.
You rip it in half.
You shove half of it down their throats,
and the other half up their butts.
And then the whole book is in their stomach
while your arms are still in there,
and you're just playing them like an accordion
until you win back the House.
Desi, that's gross.
Thank you.
OK.
See, this is the problem with America, OK?
Every solution is just more of the same problem.
That's how you end up with an app on your phone
to tell you you're using your phone too much,
you [bleep] children.
[laughter]
Where does this end, Desi?
Where does it end?
It doesn't end, Ronny.
In fact, why should Democrats stop at gerrymandering?
Hell, stack the courts.
Steal the election.
Go to third base during Beetlejuice.
Why do the Republicans get to have all the fun?
Desi, that is anarchy.
Yeah, but they started it, Kal.
It's like I said to that tow truck driver.
If you're going to take my car, I'm taking yours.
And my car was already attached,
so now I got two cars.
The math checks out.
Kal, this is the slippery slope I'm talking about, OK?
This great nation that I've lived
in on and off for a few years was founded on principles.
And when we give up those principles, whatever they are,
we give up on ourselves.
That's a beautiful sentiment, Ronny.
Yeah, that's a beautiful sentiment, Ronny.
Ha-ha.
Too bad, I just gerrymandered your box, bitch.
Yo. Whoa, whoa.
Yo, what the hell?
You're in my box.
Hey, Kal, do something.
[cheers, applause]
See-- I'm coming for your district next.
Oh, you've made me complacent, Desi.
Desi Lydic and Ronny Chieng, everybody.