Hi, I'm Paul Friedman. I founded The Marriage Foundation and The Marriage
Foundation is I think amazing and unique. We're nonprofit, were not connected to
any church or political movement, and we offer free marriage advice to those who
write in. There's no obligation. Our counselors will be there to help you.
We also have the books that I've written two of them one is Breaking the Cycle,
the other is Lessons for a Happy Marriage both give a very holistic view of
marriage. They're very very useful and they're fine unless your marriage is
really falling apart. If your marriage is really falling apart if it's a failing
marriage then by all means take a look at my explanation for my 12-week
marriage saving course. It's really amazing; it's really very helpful. But
there's a lot of times when you're just having a little trouble and you've done
a search now for marriage communication, and I'm gonna give you techniques here.
So, we're going to start with a technique that is so useful and so many people
overlook this even though they know it's a good technique. You know it's a good
technique even before I tell you about it it's called the "I'm sorry" technique.
There's a serious problem when you're communicating and the communication
starts going downhill. And at first you're just talking about something it
could be very innocent and then all of a sudden you hit a point of disagreement
and it's human nature to focus in on that point of communication that is
troubling until you get it resolved. It's human nature; it's part of us
because of our drive to survive. We want to make sure the path
in front of us is cleared away and we don't care who dies in the process so to
speak. So we have to be right, we have to be clear, we have to know. When you reach
that point of contention you're making a choice, do I want my marriage my
communication my connection to be more important to me than my being right?
Right? Those are your two choices being right, being connected. So I've introduced
the "I'm sorry" technique. Now a lot of people "go wait a minute" because you know
what it means. It means as soon as you see your communication is going downhill.
You go, "I'm sorry. You're right, I'm sorry." And the other person, your spouse isn't
going to let it end there usually. They'll either want to dig in, remember
human nature, you bet I'm right or they'll challenge you. What do you mean
I'm right? What do you mean you're sorry? Because the momentum of the moment
is carrying them into this negative space but you are in charge of you. You
are in charge of you, no one else is. How they react?
What they do is them, what you do is you, you have free will,
you have willpower only over you. So, it takes two to get into a fight, one person
cannot fight by themselves. You have the power to end it so what you go
is "I'm sorry." If that doesn't end it you don't need a long explanation but you
may need an explanation for your own mind because they suffer from human
nature and you suffer from human nature. So what you tell your mind is up to you
as long as you get it to shut up. You don't continue in the fight and you
mean it when you say I'm sorry you mean it. So there's different things you could
be sorry for, you could be sorry for upsetting them for being the outer
condition that has pushed them into a less-than frenzy or even a frenzy. You
could be sorry that you would actually engage in a conversation that's going to
make your spouse unhappy. You could be sorry that you don't understand them
well enough to have communicated in a way that worked for both of you. You
could be sorry that you're insisting on being right. There's so many things you
can be sorry for that it's endless, it's infinite. But you're allowing your mind
to choose confrontation rather than harmony because that's what it boils
down to. You always have the choice. Do I go down the beneficial path? Do I go down
the destructive path? You always have the choice so using the sorry technique puts
an end to this communication that is going south. If you stick to it some
people try it and their spouse gloats or does something to trigger them again and
they explode again; it's worse. So this sorry technique is extremely
effective so use it. Use it, test it and then work on your own mind and go look
mind. I'd rather be connected to the person I chose to marry than be right in
something that I'm gonna forget about in a couple of hours anyway it's not going
to matter. I would much rather use my energy in my communication to create
love than distance. Okay, so that's it for that technique. If you liked it share it,
like it. Let people know we're here because we're here for you and we want
your marriage to be happy. We do, and we want do everything we can to help you.