I can't believe this is happening. This is the situation, you need a seven-point swing in one day
and you're gonna have to do something big to get it. Something that isn't very
'clean campaign'. If I lose my seat to that toothpaste commercial, Milo. If
this was a straight 'Your face or his' scenario I'D say most people would actually... Steady on, Milo. Okay look,
the way i see it, I see it Bobo is holding at 12 and you can either write off the keyboard
warriors and reactionary loons...
I really hate that monkey.
Or, or, you gently point them
in the direction of Mr. Khalil's 'connections' and I think you scoop those up.
That's a couple of curtains which...
Brilliant! Next week I'm on a daytime TV
couch embroidering there's Saint George's cross with Katie Hopkins.
Why didn't we see this coming?
Because you were going to walk it? Because 'Ben Khalil's so dumb he
couldn't win a game of rock-paper-scissors against an actual rock.'
Okay. fine! What about the other thing?
It's the final day of campaigning for the mayoral seat of East Dellborough.
Tune in at 8pm tonight for a final debate between the candidates.
I heard from Deb who heard it from Sandy, but Sandy's been volunteering in the Khalil camp all month.
Is it true? Speak now or forever shut up, Milo.
...when they'll discuss the issues affecting you, the voter, moderated by me, Haley Martel.
Yes, it's definitely true.
Okay then.
Have you seen Tom?
Anyone seen Tom? Never mind, never mind.
Haley, all I'm saying is that you'd be doing everyone a favor if you mentioned
Ben's patio tax, because it's a big issue with the voters...
You just made that up, Milo.
Milo. Stop flirting.
Has anyone seen... Oh sorry, sorry.
Hi Polly.
Hiya.
What's up, Polly?
It's Bobo, he's been tying up the phone lines all morning singing the Banana Boat song.
And Tom's the only one who can do the whole 'stop calling or I'll chop your thing off
and feed it to the...' See I can't do it. Tom's gone Holly.
He quit?
No promotion. He's up at a by-election in Dundee.
Oh. Oh really? So who is...?
Campaign manager? I guess that would be you.
You f****** serious?
Congratulations.
Yes! I mean thank you. Don't worry about Bobo, I'll feed him the 'f*** off' act
and Bailey's doing that interview at 2:00 so let's...
Thank you, Polly.
She's the only one who can work the phones.
Oh, is that why?
It's one day.
Fine it's one day fine how much could you fuck up in one day
Tomorrow.
Given that substantial policy overlap between you and Mr. Khalil,
is there really an alternative here?
I think that's a question of trust Hayley. And charachter.
Are you alleging that Mr. Khalil isn't trustworthy? What is she doing?
I'm merely wondering if there are legitimate questions we've been too polite to ask
of Mr. Khalil.
Legitimate questions?
Has anyone, for example, looked into any
untoward associations mr. Khalil might be harboring?
Is he really doing this?
Are you, to be clear, are you implying some kind of criminal associations?
She f****** is! She's pulling a Goldsmith! I haven't implied
anything of the kind Hayley, but I am
very much looking forward to tonight's debate when Mr. Khalil and I can address
all the concerns of the voting public. And...
And I'll see you tonight.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
Okay so we're going with...
Two birds. I've got a job for you, Milo.
Tamara, darling, please take a breath.
I'm just going to talk to her, Ben.
Tamara it's fine she's dead in the water.
She wished she was f****** dead.
Let's just take a moment.
She played the race card! She's basically made Ben
an icon of the left. The Guardian's gonna skin her alive.
Okay fine! Polly I would like you to draft a
reasonable and dignified press release that draws a tighter comparison between
Victoria Bailey and Joseph f****** Goebbels!
Okay, Polly will draft a press release.
Yep I'm all over it
Actually your ex is more the Goebbels type. Milo?
Yeah this probably is Milo. At uni he used to have a poster of Roger Stone on his wall like looking at the bed.
The Watergate guy?
Yeah, a real mood killer. Okay do we need to deny the whole associations thing?
Yeah, start with blanket denial.
Well...
What?
Well what?
A straightforward denial could be... problematic.
What do you mean?
I honestly don't know this is relevant but I have a cousin a 15 year old and she's having a challenging adolescence.
And?
She was being bullied in school. Horribly.
And you could write it off as kids being kids but they were really awful to them.
Like how, Ben?
A girl in traditional dress can attract a lot of cruelty in
Dellborough Comprehensive. You can imagine the sort of thing. But she reacted in a
way that... it's just internet stuff, browsing the wrong sort of websites.
But she's managed to give the attention of a watchdog group that looks out for the
faintest whiff of an extremist tendency.
And you think Victoria is trying to
trick you into denying? Then she brings up my cousin.
It's f****** disgusting!
She's just a kid! She gets bullied, she acts out. Does this get contraction with anyone?
Well, you know what the average Daily Mail reader's like. If a Muslim
sneezes in Hackney then every Muslim needs to apologise for the flu.
How does she even know?
I have no idea. I'm sorry. I really didn't think this was the sort of thing that...
You should've said something to me Ben.
Or to me.
It honestly never crossed my mind
that Victoria would go to the dark side like this.
Polly?
Sorry, sorry. Look, you
guys need to debate prep. Go over the argument. I have got a meeting to take, and
a campaign to run. Look, guys, we've got this, okay? Go team Ben!
Go team.
All right, Deep Throat?
Keep your voice down.
I'm amazed you own a baseball cap. Thought you'd be more of a Kaiser hat guy.
If you're gonna call me a fascist get the right historical period.
What do you want, Milo?
Two things. One, I want you to know that what happened today in the
interview, that's not from me. That's a solo run from Victoria.
B*******, you love this.
I'm serious religious stuff can really backfire.
And it's morally repugnant.
Yeah. That too. Look I just thought you should know, this cousin stuff. It comes from your camp.
Tom!?
No. Tamara.
What? F*** off. Why would she do that?
Well, a woman scorned is... I don't actually know but she was very irate. Look,
the rumours about you and Ben. Not that I care, we're the party of do
whatever you like behind closed doors but is that something that could have...
Oh s***.
So it's true? You and Khalil? You slept together?
Oh s***. Oh s***! Tamara knows?
Hey, hey, it's okay. Ben's really to blame for this yeah...
Aw f*** me. It was only once.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, you, eh, take care of yourself. I've got to get back to the boss.
Milo...
That's your two minute call. That's two minutes.
No peeking before the test.
No, no I just wanted to let you know that I think
you're doing a really great job and if there's anything I can do...
I have recording Polly.
Don't use it.
What can I say? Milo's an asshole.
F***, f*** please don't play it.
Don't tell me what to do.
It's nothing. It's tabloid stuff...
It's a natural story from East Dellborough that isn't cat dislikes dog.
And I look like an idiot if I don't use it.
Please
Okay. Look, there's an honesty rule. If he admits to it I won't play it. But if he
denies it...
Okay, okay.
Okay then. I'm sorry
*Okay Hayley it's time.*
They're up in thirty seconds.
*Final checks please.*
You can't deny anything, okay?
Good we're on the same page.
No. You can't deny anything
I'm up Polly.
Okay, you got this?
Go team Ben.
Go team.
*Stand by everyone. Going live. Ten Seconds.*
*5...4...3...2...*
Good evening and welcome to the final debate of the mayoral campaign. Please tweet in your
questions which I'll be putting to the candidates in the latter half of the
town hall. But let's get straight into the main issue of the day. Ms Bailey,
earlier today you said and I quote: "Has anyone looked into any untoward
associations that Mr. Khalil might be harbouring?" Can you elaborate on these associations?
I could, Haley. But I believe the honourable course would be to allow
Mr. Khalil to elaborate.
I have to tell you something.
About Ben and me.
Please. Not now, Polly.
Firstly I would like to say that I'm disgusted that Ms Bailey would drag a
child into the political spotlight.
It's your actions and your hypocrisy I object to, Mr. Khalil.
I have never denied...
Oh you merely omitted?
I omitted, quite deliberately, to bring up a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl.
Fifteen?
You Shouldn't blame Ben.
F****** hell, Polly! Listen. Ben slept with a groupie, that's you, he apologised, we're past it.
But it's not just...
Not now, Polly!
...young people who are susceptible to the language and I stress the language of extremism.
I think we might be at cross purposes here.
When you speak of
'legitimate questions' and 'harbouring associations', you must know that you're
deliberately stirring up religious and racial animus, with a callous disregard
for how you affect the life of a vulnerable child.
I was referring to
associations with your junior campaign staff.
But I have no idea what you're talking about.
I agree this is not the venue to discuss a vulnerable teenager, although Mr.
Khalil appears to be doing just that. But before Mr. Khalil subjects any more of
his family members to public scrutiny I would like to state clearly that my
concern is he is dishonest and predatory.
And who has he preyed on?
His staff.
And I believe that's a major concern for a public official and, let's not forget, a
married man.
Mr. Khalil?
I categorically refute any such allegations.
You deny having any kind of sexual relationship with a member of your staff?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I'm going to play recording that was sent to me Mr. Khalil.
"The rumours about you and Ben, not that I care, we’re the party of do whoever you like behind closed doors.
But, is that something that could have...” "Oh s***"
"So it's true? You and Khalil? You slept together?"
"Oh s***. Oh s***! Tamara knows?"
You recognise the female voice Mr. Khalil?
I do.
Do you still deny...
No I do not.
I apologise to everyone. I was trying to avoid publicly humiliating my wife who
was already aware of this but it seems I've made things worse.
Ms Bailey,
you recognise the male voice on the recording?
I think we can move on from
Mr. Khalil private affairs now.
Was that the voice of Milo Shuttleworth?
I don't see the relevance.
I'm putting it to you that it's the voice of your campaign
manager Milo Shuttleworth.
But that's completely immaterial.
Did you ask your campaign
manager to recall that conversation?
Hayley, what does it matter how the
cheetah is caught?
It matters that you can't answer a straight question.
But I'll move on.
I'm going to put to you a tweet from @realbobo, our absent third
candidate.
He writes: 'Bens office romance shouldn't detract from Bailey's racist
dog whistling.'
I have no idea what he's talking about.
Well fortunately he goes on...
And I take exception to being called a racist by a man dressed as a monkey.
He writes: 'Everyone knows what harboring associations means. She's winking at
people who think all Muslims are potential terrorists.' Do you?
I was referring to Mr. Khalil's affair.
No one's harboring an affair Victoria. It's code come on.
Oh code. Here we go could you at least agree that such language could be
interpreted as Islamophobic.
Can Ben at least agree that his cousin is a
potential terrorist.
She's a child, Victoria.
Well everyone
was a child at some point you said yourself this isn't the venue to discuss
a vulnerable teenager.
Well that's...
I apologise for my comments. Are we done with this now? Can we move on?
Yes. I think you're done.
Hi Hayley. Er no, that tweet isn't representative
of actual policy. The mayor just likes to feed out public opinion.
Busy, busy, busy. Nose to the grindstone.
Mr. Mayor!
To work for? He's better than the
alternative I guess. Look, I've got to go.
Mr. Mayor!