(upbeat music)
- Let's welcome to stage,
Monroe Martin, everybody!
(audience cheers)
- I'm back into dating and well,
back into dating and I'll probably stop pretty soon.
(audience laughs)
It's pointless, it's just fuckin' (sighs).
I don't wanna get to know new people.
I just wanna fuck the ones I know.
I am also new into like, weed culture.
Like I just, I don't smoke,
but I just starting eating edibles
because they're delicious.
And I ate an edible before I went on a date three weeks ago.
And it was the greatest shit ever.
It wasn't on purpose, I'm not like,
I'm not like that bold where I'm like,
fuck her, let me take this edible.
I have a roommate who,
she had a piece of cake in her purse,
and I went in there because it was open
and I could see the cake sticking out.
And I'm a great roommate, and I was like,
you know what?
I'm gonna eat this cake
because I know she's trying to watch her weight.
So I ate the piece of cake.
And she texted me and she was like,
did you eat that?
I'm like, yeah, she was like,
that's an edible you dumb dumb.
I'm like, this is gonna be an awesome fuckin' date.
Uh, one, I show up 45 minutes late like a fuckin' G.
I didn't even do that whole, I'm so sorry.
I apologize for my lateness.
I just walked in like, come on, let's eat.
(audience laughs)
Let's do this.
I know you're hungry.
You've been waiting.
(audience laughs)
I felt I had a little bit of leeway
to do that 'cause this was our second date,
but I was a little hesitant to set the second one
so she asked me out.
She said, "Hey, I would like to take you out this time."
And I'm like, goddamn right.
Like Kendrick said, "This dick ain't for free."
(audience laughs)
She goes, but I wanna treat you to something
different that I know you haven't had before.
I want to take you to an African restaurant.
And I was like, I don't know if I can
eat that much rice.
Like a 50 pound bag of rice to myself.
That's intimidating.
(audience laughs)
That's so fucked up.
I mean, it was great.
The food was awesome.
There was a lot of rice, though.
(audience laughs)
It was fuckin' awesome.
I think she got her revenge because there was like
a little pepper, like that big on my plate
and she didn't eat hers, but I ate mine,
'cause I like spice, and I like, just fuckin'
popped it in my mouth.
And she just sat back and was like,
you like that?
I'm like, uh.
It's getting hotter and hotter now.
So she made me drink this nut milk.
I know that just sounds nasty as fuck.
(audience laughs)
Here, drink this nut milk.
It must've angered the spice 'cause it didn't calm it down.
It was like the spice was just like,
pussy, you thought some nut milk was gonna stop me?
I'll burn this whole fuckin' mouth down right now.
(audience laughs)
So, I deal with it.
That's her revenge.
Now when the check comes, ladies,
if you invited the guy, that's kinda your duty.
You pay that.
That is, you're laughing 'cause you're like (laughing),
no it's not.
Like why would you go let me take you out
and then I pay for myself.
You coulda just texted me the name of the restaurant
and I went and ate by myself.
Now I gotta pay for two people.
I coulda did this shit myself.
Now I don't mind paying.
I don't care.
I don't really mind it, but what I do want
is you to at least make a gesture.
Like make the, like act like you're gonna fuckin' pay.
She didn't do that.
She like, alright, so 'cause you look like
you don't know what the fuck gesture to make,
like look in your purse.
It don't matter what.
You can just be like flicking a penny back and forth.
(audience laughs)
We don't know.
We can only see this far.
So just (hums) make eye contact.
You're just buying time until the guy goes,
you know what?
I got this.
She didn't do that.
She just slank down in her chair
and put her phone like straight to her fuckin' face.
So I pay.
But then I guess my high confidence goes,
you know what?
Fuck that, make her pay that tip.
So I do.
I pay and then I go you gotta pay the tip, yo.
Just like that.
But with a little bit more bass in my voice.
You gotta pay that shit.
(audience laughs)
She goes, "What do you mean I have to pay the tip?"
You have to add additional money to the money
I laid down to show gratitude for the person who served you.
Well, I've never had to pay the tip on a date before.
That was her actual voice.
I am not making this shit up.
I'm into weird chicks, okay?
(audience laughs)
She pulled out her last $7.00.
I know it was her last by the condition of the money.
And it was a five dollar bill and a two dollar bill.
That's birthday card money.
(audience laughs)
That's money your grandmother puts in the card.
You need to save your two dollar bills.
They'll be worth more someday.
So I take her little shitty money
and I gotta add more to it,
'cause $7.00 is not enough for anything.
I take that.
I pay it and I like, do it slowly and look her in the eyes,
like, yeah, I just did that.
So now we're on the train.
I'm in my own little world.
My own little high world.
She's sitting right next to me
and I don't like looking to see
what people are doing on their phone,
but she was on her phone for a very long fuckin' time.
Or it seemed like a long time
because when you're fucked up,
you don't know how long shit actually is.
But I like looked over to see what she was doing
and she was looking at dick pics.
(audience laughs)
Not my dick pic.
It was like she was looking as I can't wait
to get with this tonight.
I don't send dick pics.
I feel like that's a bit immature.
You gotta believe in yourself.
My dick is like, it's like an independent movie.
Ain't no trailers for that shit.
(audience laughs)
Come to the Angelica and see it for yourself.
(audience laughs)
So she,
I say something to her.
I go, "Are you looking at dick pics right now?"
She's like, "Yeah, but every girl looks at them
"on their phone."
I'm like, "Not like it's pictures of your niece and nephew.
"You're scrolling through it like it's a photo album.
"It's like this is when we're at Six Flags."
(audience laughs)
Do I need to date?
No.
I continue our date to its destination
which is the movies.
We finally get to the movies.
Now, I don't know how y'all live,
but my movie theater is their seats do shit.
(audience laughs)
So she lifts up the arm rest and I think it's to like,
yeah, okay, she might get a little close to me.
She feel guilty for looking at dicks.
(audience laughs)
She positions her body and leans back
and then puts her feet up on me.
And I'm like, fuck that.
I knock her feet down,
but I must have summoned up my, like,
Of Mice and Men strength.
Like, it was just too much and her fucking body
swung over to the other side.
That was excessive.
I didn't need to do that.
So, I was like, you know what?
Let me get out of the situation.
I go to get popcorn.
Now there's an etiquette to how you receive
someone's popcorn who are sharing with you.
You take these two fingers and this digit right here
and you grab three to four pieces and then you eat
and then you go back for more if you feel the need to.
This fucking monster of a woman
takes her five fucking fingers
and she digs deep down like she's looking
for like that NSync CD.
(audience laughs)
Like we're at Dave and Buster's
and this the claw machine.
This is like I worked hard for this CD.
And then she brings it up
and she takes her fist full of popcorn
and fuckin' stuffs it in her face
and 12 pieces roll off and they fall on the ground.
I'm angry because you just wasted food.
There are hungry kids in Brooklyn.
I know people say Africa, but I've never been there before.
(audience laughs)
Gotta worry about the ones in my backyard.
So, I'm like, fuck that.
This date is over.
I don't say that out loud.
I say it in my head.
But I don't believe I'm gonna leave
because I'm just not that much of a man.
So I have to do the process in my head
so I can get the fuck out of there.
I do the paperwork.
So as we're sitting there,
I take my phone out.
I dim the light 'cause I don't want her
to see what I'm doing.
Then she shoulda dimmed the light
if you're gonna look at dicks on your phone.
(audience laughs)
It's a very private moment.
You don't wanna have your fuckin' back light up
to 100 while you're looking at dicks
And they weren't even big dicks.
Who was that regular sized dick?
(audience laughs)
It was like looking at a regular size apartment.
No, you wanna dream.
(audience laughs)
I delete her number
and then I delete her on Facebook,
block her on Twitter, Instagram.
I start a LinkedIn account, find her and delete her
on that shit.
(audience laughs)
And I'm like, you know what?
It's time for me to get the fuck out of here.
So I say to her, like, I'll be right back.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
And I get up and I leave and I walk to the comedy club
and I do a set and it was fucking amazing.
(audience laughs)
I murdered.
And you all are like.
(gasps)
My dad left me.
I turned out perfect.
I'm right here at obligations,
I don't know this lady.
A lot of my friends were like, aw, that's fucked up, man.
What if she approaches you?
What if she finds you and says something to you?
What's she gonna say?
You left me at the movie theater.
I thought you said you were going to the bathroom.
(audience laughs)
I did.
I just didn't specify which one I was going to.
(audience laughs)
Alright, I gotta go.
See you later.
Thank you all.
See you.
My number one first special is Chris Rock,
Bring the Pain, there's nothing better than that.
There's absolutely nothing better than Bring the Pain.
Then you've got Live on the Sunset Strip.
Then you've got Elephant in the Room.
Then there's Bill Burr's Letting Go.
And then there's Dave Chappelle's Killing Them Softly.