Welcome back to my dark corner of this sick world
'Turn it off!'
We're looking at Robo vampire and don't be fooled by the optimistic DVD case here's the reality
Looking less like Robocop and more like the low-budget silver cousin of Red Dwarf’s Kryten.
Despite the title, he's not a vampire. He's fighting Chinese vampires
The hopping is accurate to tradition but does make some of the fight scenes look like folk dances
Still the vampires look ok
Emerging from coffins filled with snakes
And one terrified guinea pig
So far so ridiculous
but the question you'll find yourself asking most in Robo vampire is...
‘Who are you?’
There’s a lot of characters, and a lot going on.
‘Who are you?’
and I’d be lying if I said I understood the story, but I can give you a few broad strokes.
‘Oh fuk’
Drug lord Mr Young is having a problem with the police, so he hires a magician.
‘He’ll train vampire to deal with them’
David Simon is kicking himself he didn’t use that in The Wire.
‘Bless our drugs’
The drugs are smuggled inside the vampires’ coffins,
which is a brilliant idea but is disrupted when...
‘How can that be a lady ghost?’
What a dumb way to get information across.
‘How dare you take my lover's corpse and turn him into a vampire, now he is condemned to a living death...'
'and we will never be together in the afterlife.'
Everybody keeping up?
‘But he is from the east and you the west?’
This just became the undead, drug-dealing Romeo and Juliet.
‘A marriage?'
'The vampire and the ghost’
The magician agrees to help the couple,
‘But from now on you both work for me’
Robot be damned, this is the film I want to see,
but now a drug agent get into a tussle with vampires,
and winds up in a hospital in which the only medical equipment they have is scales,
and so...
‘Since Tom’s dead I want to make use of his body to create an android like robot’
Well, that's a perfectly normal request and one you can absolutely drop into a movie 25 minutes in with no foreshadowing whatsoever
The Robo warrior is the ultimate weapon in fighting vampires
Because he's the only one with a gun that can hurt them.
'Are you sure that even machine guns Don't cause no harm to him.?'
Although he is susceptible to bazookas
Oh dear
'I'm afraid you short-circuited.'
Yeah, some sort of wiring issue. That was my first thought too
'Not that serious.'
To be honest. I have my doubts about robo-warriors tactics
.‘Drop your weapons in 15 seconds’
Please do not shoot me during those 15 seconds.
'Let me tell you that nobody ever escapes from me.'
Elsewhere the drug war rages on
It's terrible when you die in an uncomfortable position
That's better. In this half of the film the drug enforcement agents haven't employed a flying cyborg
And the bad guys don't use hopping vampires
It's almost as if there are two films clumsily stapled together
'My God. Why?'
About 70% of this is a standard action movie
And it syncs up with robots and vampires as seamlessly as taking scenes from Harry Potter and
splicing them into Platoon
'Expect Portrum!'
This explains the number of characters the incomprehensible plot
and the fact that I don't even know where this is taking place
'Leave me alone.'
It seems to be in the jungle
But then suddenly jumps to the city
For the slowest chase scene since the creeping terror stalked a stationary car
But you don't care about this any more than I do what happened with the vampire and the ghost?
Well after some undead slow-mo playing hard to get
They finally get down to it but...
Their love scene is broken up by robo-warrior
'Don't shoot,we love each other'
'You can kill us but wait till I luvs consummated.'
Please somebody remake this film
But without the robot.
'Thank You vampires. Thank you very much. Thank you'
Thanks for watching. If you'd like to subscribe to our channel, click here or for more reviews take a look over here
there are two sort of sequels to this bill. Would you like us to review those as well?
Let us know in the comments below