The strange thing about love is that even though we experienced it in a deeply personal
and apparently instinctive way, it has a history.
In other words people around the world haven't always fallen in love the way they do now.
The point of rehearsing a few of the telling moments in love's history is to remind ourselves
that there are different ways of arranging relationships depending on what a given society happens to believe in.
Love is a cultural invention, and we are not at the end of its evolution.
We may in fact be still only at the early stages of the history of love;
we're still learning what we need and how we might get more successful at love
the Euphrates Mary's ship to the princess of the neighboring Kingdom of
young had far from being the outcome of love this marriage like that of many
between powerful people in the ancient world is purely transactional mari
occupies a critical position in the trade routes between Syria and
Mesopotamia and marrying ship to will allow them real in to expand his wealth
and power
Henry Lin's attitude to marriage continues with his children he marries
off eight of his daughters two rulers of neighboring cities forcing each of his
new son in laws to sign a document pledging themselves to him
the people of mari are in effect saying that what gives a marriage meaning isn't
how much the couple happened to love one another but whether it's beneficial in
terms of trade connections and wore this is so alien to us
it's worth reflecting on just how much we nowadays refuse to entertain at least
in public
any practical considerations when Mary feelings are meant to be our only load
starts and yet for thousands of years until only a minute ago on the
historical clock it was unambiguously meant to be only about land power and
money
the notion that you should love your spouse would have seemed plain laughable
this may have created a collective trauma we're still in flight from.
France, 1147AD. Jaufré Rudel, the Prince of Blaye
set sail for Tripoli in modern-day northern Lebanon
he has off to see the Countess of Tripoli with whom he has fallen deeply
in love
rudel is one of the earliest known troubadours or skilled court poets who
rise to prominence in southern France in the 12th century and write poetry on one
subject exclusively love rudel has written many poems in honor of the
countess and want to write some more in her presence but Rudy's idea of love is
very particular and at that time dramatically new it's love that's
utterly divorce from practical considerations that doesn't involve
children money dynasties or even any kind of reciprocation the troubadour
poets never tried to have sex with the objects of their love their focuses
exclusively on what we would call the infatuation or more colloquially the
crush side of love
rudel has fallen in love with the countess without ever having set eyes on
her
pining away for his lady from hundreds of miles away
he composes and sets to music many songs expressing grief and joy
unfortunately he falls ill on route to his lady and has to be stretched into
Tripoli whether counters hears about him and visit him in his chamber
rudel recovers momentarily before dying
finally at peace very chase Lee in her arms
the troubadours took love very seriously only they didn't see it is linked to
marriage
romantic love is something you fell for someone you were never going to do
household chores with and that may be the secret of its intensity this kind of
love was spared too much contact with daily life
rudel could imagine how lovely the Countess of Tripoli was without ever
having to dispute with her about the right place to hang a tapestry will get
frustrated if she didn't particularly want to do a special embarrassing thing
for him in bed that love could remain pristine the troubadours show us a
historical moment when the idea of love was not tied to the notion of moving in
together or to the intertwining of two practical economic and social lives
using the same toilet Sharon utility bills and trying to go on camping
holidays with your partner's friends
versailles france fourteenth of september's 1745 at six o'clock in the
evening
in a move engineered and planned for weeks general 28 price on a 23 year old
beauty from Paris, rouged, powdered and wearing a black off-the-shoulder dress
enters the cabinet de conseils, approaches can do with the fifteenth and curtsies
three times. This simple gesture makes it official. Jeanne-Antoinette is the King's maitresse
déclaré, or chief mistress and from now on she will be known as madame de pompadour
and resided court with the King the king has by this point been married for 20
years but marriage doesn't mean fidelity. You marry for reasons of State and you
have mistresses on the side
no one gets upset that's just what happens with the 15th has several
mistresses including 14 year-old Mary Louise Oh Murphy who is painted in a
famous semi pornographic painting by force where she at Versailles in the
18th century there was an acceptance of the imperfect fit between marriage and
love it was understood that they would always be attention between the two
marriage was for children
practicality and continuity love was for excitement drama and sex
one should never try to blend the two rather than be under hand or deceitful
like many people are today
the King of France simply split love for marriage and without shame or guilt made
his romantic attachments and organized and public part of his life with his
wife
gretna green Scotland first of January 1812 a couple has just got married in a
secret ceremony
John Lampton the first Earl of Durham who is portion has land and
responsibilities and Harriet the illegitimate daughter of the Earl of
john daly who has no money and little social status but is very pretty are now
man and wife
their families are furious and have tried desperately to stop the wedding
but the couple are modern which means that they believe that in marriage
love should come first and practical considerations second
they've gone to Gretna Green a village just inside Scotland to escape english
law and they are examples of a new philosophy of Romanticism which
privileges feeling over reason and impulse over tradition
romanticism transforms love the old system of marrying for political or
economic advantage
Stoli crumbles around the world the village of Gretna Green become
synonymous with illicit marriages and John and Harriet are among hundreds of
English couples in the late eighteenth and nineteenth centuries to reload their
the public appetite for stories of romantic descent is such that the local
priest publishers some best-selling memoirs of his time they're full of
daring coach right across the border and the wrath of one consulted fathers who
reached the runaway children just too late
gretna green becomes an important place because there's a growing belief that
marriage should be the consequence of love and that if two people love each
other
that alone is what matters in come the standing of the wider family career and
how the parents and/or might get on seems irrelevant and more than that they
begin to be cast not as wise serious matters which really ought to be taken
into account
but as things that could only seem relevant to County father's snobbish
arms and dried up conventional people with no care for the happiness of a
couple mostly when we want to do something we take advice if we can from
people who've done it before
gretna green stands for a remarkable shift in thinking around relationships
which is still powerful today the assumption that people who have already
had marriages are likely to be very poor advisors and guides to the young love is
understood to be an enthusiasm not as
kill
London England 1813
Readers of Jane Austen's latest novel are on the edge of their seats as
Fitzwilliam Darcy stumbles his way through a proposal to Elizabeth Bennet
his offer of marriage promises to fix all her problems
not only is he handsome but he's rich and Elizabeth family with for unmarried
daughters to support badly needs all the cash they can get
but Elizabeth says no Darcy for all his gifts is also arrogant and a snob pride
and prejudice may suggest women marry for money but Elizabeth actions reveal a
new and some first of belief rapidly gaining currency in English society that
they should love the man they betrothed themselves - it's an idea
Austin support strongly 11 years earlier she had herself rejected a proposal of
marriage claiming anything is to be preferred or injured rather than
marrying without affection in her greatest novel however things turn out
for the best
eventually after many twists and turns and despite her lack of standing and
money
Elizabeth and Darcy Mary what continues to strike readers today is that Jane
Austen is deeply concerned about romance and about money to marry only for money
is she argues a disaster but equally she holds that to marry only for love is a
terrible folly to in Austin's eyes a good marriage requires warmth and
tenderness of heart and strong practical worldly managerial competence and from
this austin draws the conclusion that few people are actually that well suited
for marriage
she's unsurprised that many marriages are a little hollow or a little grim
Austen's novels to pick numerous unsatisfactory relationships and only a
few very happy ones in the early years of the 19th century
Jane Austen is defining the wise ideal of modern love she sees marriage as a
hybrid enterprise in some respects it's like running a small business or
organizing a village fete
if you don't keep track of the practical details and don't have quite an
efficient turn for administration things are going to go badly wrong but at the
same time
marriage is a profoundly complex emotional encounter and to thrive in it
one needs emotional maturity
affection playfulness and warmth through her novels
Jane Austen is trying to present the reader with an education in a truly
classical way she believes we can do a few things well if we leave our
performance to nature luck and chance
happy relationship depends on the maturity of both parties in Pride and
Prejudice with Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy have to be improved
he has to lose his pride and she has to shed her prejudice
if they're to be capable of living well together love is something we need to
learn
london 24th of november 1859 it's the day Charles Darwin publishes
the origin of species
there is a huge initial resistance but eventually much of the world is
convinced by his arguments
human beings are descended from the primates and that means that we've
inherited not just the skeletal structure but also a lot of their drives
and basic psychology
Darwin's detractors are aghast at the implied humiliation
but that's consolation and Darwin - because he suggests that our inability
to live up to our ideals is not wholly our own fault
we are anytime half apes and apes to aim for faithful life long passionate
egalitarians relationships is to attempt to pull off something hugely difficult
starting from a very unpromising base
no wonder we often fail without particularly intending to Darwin rushes
in a strategic and useful pessimism about relationships rather than being
for instance essentially monogamous
he implies that human beings might by nature at least be predisposed to as
many apes are polygamy opportunistic sex and the dumping of one made for another
on the basis of nothing more than their breathing potential signal by such
unedifying and unspiritual characteristics as how big their breasts
are aquatic park san francisco United States August 1965 Jefferson Poland
wearing a flower behind his ear strips off his swimming trunks and weights
naked into the sea
Poland is one of the world's first hippies he wears his hair long and
rejects the sophistication of modern life for a romantic notion of getting
back to a natural state of grace behind him and three other protesters braving
the icy cold ocean water is a cheering crowd of beatniks and anarchists who
hold up signs and charge the phrase sex is clean, law is obscene in front of a
hastily assembled group of reporters
this event is one of many organized by groups advocating free love in the
nineteen sixties in America they argue that society's rules against nudity
same-sex relationships and sex before marriage for all forms of sexual
repression soon monogamy itself is being questioned in an enlightened world they
argue sexually liberated men and women should just give up on marriage
along with it jealousy adultery and divorce it's a beautiful deeply romantic
idea of what love could be and it eventually collapses into a disaster
belgium 2015 the country achieved a notorious distinction
it is the nation with the highest rate of divorce in the developed world and
astonishing 71 percent of couples will split up here
a newspaper in the country asks why and the answer comes back clearly initial
expectations were not met other countries are not far behind in the UK
the divorce rate is forty-two percent in the US fifty three percent in Hungary
sixty-seven percent and in Portugal sixty-eight percent part of the reason
lies in the disappointment people feel with what had apparently been promised
to them by the freewheeling nineteen sixties and before that by 19th century
romanticism the dream of love survives but it disappoints constantly at dinner
tables around the world
otherwise intelligent people complain that they simply can't understand
strange and tricky subject of love the future hope for love lies in the notion
of sacrifice that is in accepting that we won't get everything we want from
love relationships or marriage
we're trying to do something highly ambitious in our modern ideals of
relationships unite sex affection the raising of a family a career and
adequate material security
we will by necessity fail to get all of these the idea of sacrifice though helps
us if we consider getting half of what we really want and need might still be
quite a lot in comparison with what it would be like if we avoided
relationships all together
clearly solitary life can work out really well for a few people but mostly
we hate living alone
the question should not be so much whether relationships live up to our
ideal hopes of mutual happiness but whether they are better if only a little
than not having relationships at all
the future of love needs us to get interested in ambivalence that is in the
capacity to keep on thinking that something is quite good
even while we're painfully conscious of its many and striking day-to-day
imperfections.