It’s been a hell of a night: You thought you'd steal a hefty chunk of change from
your boss at the real estate office, get out of town, and free yourself from debt.
But now the police are getting suspicious, you're speeding down the highway trying to escape the
law, and there's a heavy rainstorm rolling in. Oh boy, you've really made a mess of things.
But good news! Up ahead, you can see a quaint little motel just off the main road! It’s the
perfect place to wait out the storm and avoid too much scrutiny. There's just one
problem...this isn't just any family motel. It's the Bates Motel. And who's that at the
check-in counter? Why, it's none other than Norman Bates himself. You've accidentally
wound up smack dab in the middle of the plot of Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho!
Norman may look like he wouldn't hurt a fly,
but don't be fooled! He's racked up quite a body count, and if you're not careful,
you'll be his next victim! We all go a little mad sometimes, and Norman knows that better
than anyone. You'll have to keep a clear head if you want to survive and make it through the night.
This is how you can defeat the murderous Norman Bates and survive your stay at the Bates Motel.
Let's get a few important things out of the way first. In this scenario, you are an average,
unarmed person. You didn't happen to pack a few hand grenades for the trip,
you don't have secret black belt karate skills you can use to disarm an assailant. All you've
got is the clothes on your back, a sparsely packed overnight bag, the stolen money, and your
instincts screaming at you that something isn't quite right about this Norman Bates character.
He's perfectly polite and even invites you to have dinner with him that evening,
but the vibes are most definitely off. So off, in fact, that your first instinct might be to
get away from him as fast as possible, shut yourself in your room, and try to get some
undoubtedly restless sleep. But that would be your first mistake! Refuse his dinner invitation,
and you risk hurting Norman's feelings, drawing the ire of his mother. And you
don't want to make her angry. We'll discuss Mother Bates more later. Back to Norman!
When he invites you to dine with him, be sure to accept, no matter how much he creeps you out. At
this point, Norman heads back to the main house, leaving you alone in the motel. Go to your room,
unpack your bags, and take stock of your surroundings. Be on high alert as much
as possible. What's that sound? In the main house, you can hear Norman having an argument
with what sounds like an older woman, one with a voice very similar to Norman's.
She isn't pleased with him having you over for dinner, not at all. What's her
problem? She's never even met you! You're pretty cool, if you do say so yourself.
But when Norman gets back to the motel for dinner, don't mention his mother at all.
At dinner, be on your best behavior. Compliment Norman's horrifying bird taxidermy,
even if it gives you the shivers. When he does bring up his mother, and he will,
ask him to tell you more about her and her illness. Whatever you do, don't suggest that he
should have his mother committed to a special care facility. He will not take that well. After all,
a boy's best friend is his mother. So just keep your judgments of his clearly unwell mother to
yourself, focus on your food, and don't drink anything you didn't pour yourself, just in case.
After dinner, the stakes get a whole lot higher. It's getting dark out,
and as night descends on the Bates motel, so does an increased sense of danger. You need
to plan your next steps extremely carefully. In the aftermath of a full meal and a long,
panic-filled drive checking the rearview mirror for cops every few minutes, you've worked up quite
a bit of sweat and muscle tension. Nothing sounds better right now than a nice, long, hot shower.
So, let's just say you take that shower. You lock the door to your room, because you weren't born
yesterday. But then you let your guard down. You turn on the water, steam up the bathroom,
and scrub all your worries away. No one knows where you are; you're thousands of dollars richer,
and tomorrow, you'll be out of this eerie motel for good. What was that? Did a door just open?
You must be hearing things, you think. You pour a bit of shampoo into your hand
and begin to wash your hair. You hum a little tune to yourself. And then, just when you're
rinsing the suds from your newly refreshed locks, a hand yanks the shower curtain open.
You barely get a chance to see who's there, all you can make out in the
chaos is the glint of the knife in your attacker's hand. You scream,
but no one is around to hear you. All you see is your own blood swirling down the shower drain.
That's what will happen if you shower in the Bates Motel tonight. So instead, quickly splash a bit
of water on your face and your smelliest areas. That will have to do for now. You need to keep
your guard up and trust your gut. Something isn't right there. Keep your door locked,
and stay near it for the next several hours. Wait until it's late into the night, and Norman is sure
to be asleep. Perfect. Now, it's time to do some snooping and find out what you're up against.
Come up with an excuse just in case you get caught. A good one is "I need to use
your phone," or "I couldn't sleep, do you have any herbal tea?" Whatever will make
you seem innocent and won’t divulge that you’re looking around to see what you're up against.
Move through the house quietly to avoid waking Norman or his mother. Tiptoe through the main
house, exploring every nook and cranny you can. It all seems fine so far; nothing terribly out of
the ordinary. It's the sort of house a grown man and his mother might share. But what's that? The
door to a mysterious cellar? Come on, you've got to check that out. You creep down into the cellar,
and your eyes slowly begin to adjust to the darkness. You can make out a silhouette,
someone sitting in a rocking chair. Mother Bates? Does she live down here in the cellar?
As you get closer, you realize that she doesn't live anywhere anymore. Norman's mother is nothing
more than a mummified corpse. Just then, the cellar door opens, and you see Norman standing
there, clad in a long women's nightgown and grey wig, with a wild look in his eyes!
Uh oh! Now that Norman knows you've uncovered his secret,
he's coming after you with a wig on his head and a massive kitchen knife in his hand. Run
for your life! You could try to make it back to the car, but wait! The keys are
still in your room! There's no other choice but to run back to your room and get them.
You'll have to find a way to block the door to buy yourself some time- and fast! He's gaining
on you! Lock the door first, but don't stop there. Norman's definitely got keys to every
room in this place! You'll need more protection than that. The door to your room opens inward,
so keep that in mind when blocking it! Take a quick look around the room,
what can you use to block the door? There's an ironing board in the closet! Perfect!
Place the ironing board against the door, positioned vertically so that the end is
pushed up against the doorknob. Next, extend the legs of the board fully, locking them into place.
This will prevent the board from collapsing. For some extra security, grab the chair from
the corner of the room and push it up against the ironing board and the door. There, you've
temporarily prevented Norman from getting inside, and you've given yourself some more time to think.
Now that you've got the door barricaded, it's time to figure out what you can use as a weapon.
Don't try to get something from the kitchen or a supply closet! You're safe in here for the moment,
but Norman's dressed in his dead mother's wig and clothes, and he's on a maternal murderous rampage.
Best to stay here where it's safe. You'll have to make a weapon out of whatever you can find in your
motel room, something that can go up against a maniac with a kitchen knife and give you
even the slimmest chance to win. Let's start with what you brought to the motel with you.
As you scour through your belongings you find a pen, good thing you recently got into crossword
puzzles! As long as you can dodge Norman's knife slashes, you'll be able to use your pen to stab
him in any vulnerable area you can reach, such as the throat or the eye. Mightier than the sword,
indeed. rus
But say you left your pen in the car. Uh oh! Don't worry,
all isn't lost. You've got your car keys right there on the bedside table. No,
you can't just run downstairs and hop in the car for a quick getaway; Norman's waiting to
jump out and attack you on the way out! Instead, you can hold the keys in your clenched fist,
using the pointed ends like a pair of improvised spikey brass knuckles. That's one of your hands
converted into a weapon, but what about the other? Two hands are better than one, after all!
Well, guess what time it is? It's punch-o-clock! Grab your wristwatch
and hold the bracelet inside of your fist, positioning the clock face across your middle
knuckles. Now you can be like James Bond in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service," when he
used his Rolex to knock out an enemy! Yeah, you're just like James Bond...
And like Bond, you're a sharp dresser, and you packed a snazzy belt amongst your things! Just
like the watch, your belt is a handsome accessory that can also be used as an improvised weapon! It
can be used to dispense some good old-fashioned corporal punishment. For an extra bit of power,
make sure to strike Norman in the face with the buckle end. If you're able to get close enough
without getting stabbed, wrap the belt around his throat and squeeze the air out of that mama's boy!
But watches, pens, and belts can break. After all, you didn't have the most expensive taste before
you stole that money. So what else can you use? As you hear footsteps tiptoeing down the hall,
now might be a good time to see what you can repurpose from the room itself!
For a weapon that allows you to attack from a bit more of a safe distance, there's the option
of a curtain rod. Don't be shy, he already wants to kill you. Go ahead and rip those drapes down
and arm yourself with the curtain rod. You can use it like a spear in carefully timed thrusts.
Don't slash wildly, or he just might grab onto the end of it, then it’s curtains for you… We’ll see
ourselves out. Use it to attack the face, neck, and groin if you can, but if the best you can do
in the heart of the moment is just aiming for the center of his body, that's better than nothing!
What else can you use? Your eyes flick to the lamp on the bedside table. Let there be
light! You can use the lamp in a variety of self-defense methods. Take off the lampshade
and throw it at Norman to slow him down, then hold the lamp by the neck and use its
base as a club to hit him over the head! Just make sure he can't grab hold of the
dangling cord and use it to pull the lamp from your grasp or, worse, strangle you.
What if he manages to break through your barricade before you can find a weapon?
Suppose he chases you into the bathroom, one of his favorite places for stabbing?!
Don't worry, you're not out of luck yet! Tear down the shower curtain,
you won’t need it anyway. Then, yank the shower curtain rod out of place, and you've got yourself
another improvised spear! If you'd rather dual-wield and outnumber Norman weapons-wise,
then get your hands on the plunger. Yes, it's gross, but would you rather touch a dirty
plunger or get murdered? Yeah, exactly. Unscrew the rubber bulb from the end of the plunger,
and bingo! It becomes a two-foot wooden baton that you can bludgeon Norman with if he gets too close.
Now that we've established that survival is more important than potential bathroom germs,
grab the lid off of the toilet. You can hold it up and use it as a shield
to block Norman's knife, or you can use it in a more offensive capacity and bludgeon
him with it. Scoop up a handful of toilet water while you're at it,
and splash it into Norman's face and eyes! Maybe the sheer disgust will be enough to scare him off!
As an emergency maneuver, you can repurpose the reading material you brought into the bathroom
earlier for a little bit of entertainment! Grab the newspaper, roll it up tightly,
then bend the paper tube in half to create a handle and a rounded end. There you go,
now you've got a Millwall Brick. If he gets too close, you can fight Norman off with the
power of the written word! Or rather, the power of a bunch of paper mashed into a little club.
If all else fails, go for the legs. Norman's already at a disadvantage navigating the
house in one of his mother's long dresses. Take advantage of that, use the fabric to trip him up,
and knock him to the floor. That should be enough to get him to let go of the knife, then,
you can grab it and decide what happens next. Maybe you give him a taste of his own medicine,
or maybe you'll decide to take a more empathetic approach instead. After all, he's definitely not
in his right mind. He's taken on the identity of the mother he killed, for crying out loud.
If you'd like to resolve this conflict in a nonviolent way, without involving the police,
you can try to have a real heart-to-heart with Norman. Just make sure he's completely disarmed
first, literally as well as emotionally. Take all the knives and hide them somewhere he can't
find them. Maybe tie Norman up to make sure he really hears you out. Then, it's time to have
a heart-to-heart with the poor guy. Give him a chance to explore his mommy issues. Recommend
that, rather than taking out his issues on random motel guests, he take a look within.
Maybe read a book like "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal
from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents." Before you agree to untie him,
book him an appointment with a highly qualified therapist. Give
him a hug if you feel up to it. Then untie him, wish him luck,
and refuse to give the knives back until he's proven he can use them responsibly.
Then, get to the car, hit the gas, and head somewhere sunny to spend that stolen
cash. Feel the wind in your face and take a deep breath. Congratulations,
you did it! You made it out of the Bates Motel alive! Time to celebrate, and never ever go back.
Well, maybe for a sequel…
Now check out “You vs Death Angel Alien in A Quiet Place Movie.” Or watch this video instead!