G'day, A.J. Mahari here and in this video i'm going to be responding to a comment
so i gotta find that comment right now that was left on the video i did whoops what's that called
um it was left on the video which is podcast actually i did ep relationship breakups um
five reasons for recycling five common reasons and not the only five reasons in the universe
but so yeah the commenter asks how do you uh break up for good without her trying to get
revenge um you know like calling the cops or sending scary messages to friends and family um
and apparently like they're sleeping or so that they don't sleep with other people um to quote
get back unquote ignoring doesn't work she causes more um revenge it's scary so how do you break up
or good with a person with bpd in this case a woman without her trying to get revenge well
here's the thing right people with who are non-borderlines and many of them with codependency
so what you need to realize what you and what you need to know is you can't control that person
with bpd right which you probably already know in some way or other or met you know intellectually
but how do you break up without them without them trying to get back at you punish
punish you or take revenge on you like calling the cops maybe telling lies which they don't all do
but but many do um sending messages to friends and family and sleeping with others well
you want to break up with her right so if you want to break up with somebody with bpd
whether you're a man want to break up with a woman or a woman wanting to break up with a man
with bpd the number one thing about that is you need to let go of who they're going
to sleep with or who they're not going to be with or what they're going to do next because
you want to end the relationship right so in these relationship breakups bp relationship breakups
there isn't anything you can do other than break up which might mean depends on circumstances right
if you're living together then somebody has to go right whether you leave or you have to try to get
them to go or evict them or whatever the situation might be and sometimes people need help you know
by calling the police et cetera to do that so there's getting that part done
and then document document well all the way along document document document everything that's
going on so if they're going to call or leave messages in any way shape or form text email etc
or on other people's social media to friends or family of the commenters or
anyone else who's in this situation to your friends or family or on your social media
well that ups the ante to beyond hoovering to stalking and if it's online cyber you know it's
it's cyber harassment and if it's in real life like text etc emails to family or friends then
it's stalking and so you need to document and you need to be ready to call the police yourself
because these are things that you cannot control and a person with bp that you are breaking up with
and it's true of any relationship type if somebody's going no contact
not all people with bp are going to be this severe or react this way but many do
and so the other thing i would say about this is you need to be documenting well
i said that right documenting and prepared to call the police and prepare to have this person
finally get some consequences that you couldn't hold them accountable to their own personal
responsibility for which means don't feel sorry for them because they're doing what
they're doing and then you don't want to call the police because they're going to get in trouble
that's still a co-dependent position so you need to do what you need to do to the comment or anyone
who's in this kind of situation right now which i'm sure there's a plethora of people whether they
find this video or not so um ignoring doesn't work and she causes more revenge it's scary
well and from what you're describing commenter she sounds like she's in the more severely impacted 10
which is a lot of people and the thing is when they present these these are red flags to
a person with bpd whether a man or woman being more dangerous than the average many many many
people with bpd even if untreated so people have to first of all you need to know okay you
want to break up secondly maybe some strategizing around that what has to be taken care of what are
the you know yeah what are the logistics of it all like where you live where do they live etc
and documenting and then what you have to do is you just have to do what you need to do so if
you're not living in the same place if you know you you don't even actually have to say anything
you can just block everything and go no contact because whether you say something or you don't
which would be different if you're living together or what have you then um you're still going to get
more of what you've already been getting by trying to ignore this person so this is unfortunately not
uncommon it is not everybody with bpd i would like to stress but when it's happening to you
it's extremely serious and what you have to do and when you say it's scary you know follow your good
instinct there because there's a reason why it's scary because this is somebody you're describing
i guess with bpd who's really a revenge taker they're not all in the same way to the same
degree this person has the possibility of upping that ante to very dangerous you know maybe even
beyond cyber stalking or or cyber harassment or stalking in real life so that's where people have
to be prepared not only by documenting but also by calling the police and not feeling
more for the person right who's about to be your ex more for the person with bpd than yourself
don't you know like people will feel guilty or they'll feel bad but you gotta put yourself first
so there are some people with bpd whether it be a man or a woman in this case the commenter is
is talking about a woman with bpd that they want to break up with without having to go through you
know more punishment more revenge the contacting and i'm sure lying to family and friends
maybe social media problems and also whether or not they're sleeping around with others
which really when you're breaking up you gotta let go of that part
and they're trying to get back and even though this person has been ignoring him as i said
they claim they say and i believe them that this person with bpd's just is seeking more revenge so
it sounds like a smear campaign is a put if not already happening and what people what you have
to understand is you can't control or stop what they're going to do to a certain degree right
and then if they step over another line which is you know like if they contact friends or family
you need to call your local police right away because that is becomes harassment
and stalking or it could be cyber stalking depend how they contact them in most places
i mean i know what the law is where i live but people have to look up the laws where they live
but so you have to be willing you know that you want to break up you know that you want this over
with so the way i suggest people do that by the way is not really trying to talk it out with the
person with bp especially when they're already you know you've been trying to ignore them and they're
already seeking revenge and punishing you and sending messages messages to friends and family
um you know they're trying to quote get back at you unquote yes well it's already too late for a
conversation so you need you know depending on logistics if you live together and stuff
it's going to be more complicated but you need to do what you need to do and you don't need to
communicate it because people tend to want to over explain themselves if a person with bpd is even
around or if they'll listen and it doesn't help it just makes things worse so in these situations
and somebody is breaking up because see not all people bp ghost or hoover um i get never mind
the hoover part they don't all ghosts or discard is what i meant to say and so in these cases you
know um where it's it's not hovering it's beyond that and it's scary and it's punishing and it
might involve a smear campaign but see no one has the right an ex once you break up with them
you have the right to say like you don't even have to say it to them but you know unwanted contact is
what it is from that point of no contact on and so with that it's really important to be you know
setting that boundary for yourself which you may or may not try to communicate to
the person but i would recommend not if you don't have to depending on logistics right
and then you have to be prepared documenting and you have to be prepared to make calls to police
to get a restraining order if need be and and in that regard only they will be held accountable for
way over limits abusive and beyond behavior which you have every right to take care of yourself and
and calling the police and getting a restraining order is a way to start that process some people
might end up in court and a lot of people that do this with bpd it's not that it's most people
with bpd but they will definitely end up probably not being able to stop and having to be arrested
and you have to then not feel sorry for them you have to let go so the message is when you
know you have to break up no matter what they're doing and especially like this comment or you've
tried ignoring them things they just keep up in the angie they just keep coming at you because
they want punishment and revenge which isn't everybody with ppd but for the ones that it is
sometimes they can't stop until they are made to stop and what i mean by that is made to stop by
your documentation calling the police get a restraining order and then when they violate
all that you know you have to call the police because because often some will and then they'll
get arrested and if they cross your path if they live close to you same you know area
if they show up if you're working elsewhere if they show up at your house knock on the door
don't answer it call the police right away gotta document document document and the difficult thing
as to why people don't do this in the manner that best serves them is the codependency the feeling
guilty the feeling sorry for them you really have to let go of that you really have to know
that you need to put yourself first and that's crucial so are there a lot of very messy breakups
that happen out there yeah unfortunately there are and and perhaps there's more revenge sought
and it's messier when the when you know the person doesn't go through discard you and when you have
to break up with them but you have to do what you know you have to do so again you know some people
and i've had clients too but oh i don't want to call the police on them and i don't want them
to get into trouble and all but see you have no control over that you're not the one getting them
into trouble if you have to call the police if you have to get a restraining order and then they
still can't stop and then with the restraining order they start getting arrested that's not
your responsibility you're not doing it to them so people need to take the utmost care of themselves
which with a with a certain percentage of people bp whether it's a man or a woman a woman in the
case of his commenter you need to be prepared to back up what you need and taking care of yourself
when they seek punishment revenge smear campaigns are one thing but contacting family and friends
becomes harassment and in most places um stalking and they may or may not cyber stock online and
the key thing is document call the police and really work to not feel guilty for taking care
of yourself and realize that some of these people with bpd who are already seeking as much revenge
to punish they can be dangerous they can be very dangerous because they can keep upping the ante
and of course for every boundary you set which is calling please get a restraining order
documenting everything it'll probably end up in court if the person doesn't stop
and then you know they'll they'll either be remanded to counseling or sentenced or you
know whatever the case happens with the law bottom line is all you can do is do what you
know you need to do and that is break up with this person go full no contact don't waste time
on a conversation and you know if you don't have to like if you're not living in the same
house or apartment don't even bother with that just block everything go no contact
hope you've been documenting document everything that happens from now on
block them everywhere and if they show up if they contact send a message to your family and friends
saying if you hear from so and so you know please hang on to the text the email the whatever it is
and uh let me know immediately and you have to call police so people with codependency like i
said often find it difficult to stand up for themselves because you know you know a lot of
people end up going oh but i don't really want them to get in trouble but i don't want this i
don't you know what it's not up to what you want anymore you don't have any control over it you
never did so if you're finding a place where you're taking control of your own life agency
exercising agency over your own life and you're going to break up and you know that you don't want
anything else to do with this person then go and stay full no contact and be prepared to do what
you have to do even though it's difficult for so many people feel for yourself not for the you know
smearing or you know stalking or cyber stalking borderline who's way out of control and by the way
just those three things right there along with the punishment and revenge are red flags to a person
with bpd that is more dangerous than the average so i hope that's helpful and as always take care