This poem Invictus I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
That was my life. Here I am 22 years old. I got the job. I got the money.
I got the girl. I got the friends. I got everything that I wanted. I've reached it.
Pretty high opinion of myself. I thought that I was a good person. Total freedom.
I was happy but at the same time I was empty. Something was wrong. It shouldn't be this way.
I was like, "you know what? let me just go back to church" I haven't been to church in years
and I had such an awful attitude. I mean I was slouched down and I was, my arms crossed and
it's like okay what is, what does this church have to do with me? And then the preacher comes up and
I did not like this guy. I mean way too much energy at like 10:30
in the morning and. But that was when I finally heard the gospel. What gravitated me to Jesus
was that He came to fill us. To satisfy us. And noticing that there was an
emptiness of void in my life that's what attracted me to Jesus
and I'm like okay God, I i'm all in. And I just threw myself into ministry. I walked away from
my job my friends and for seven years I just dedicated my whole life to it. Um...
I conformed my whole life into this public image running 110 miles per hour.
I lived, breathed, ate, dreamt ministry. Leading publicly. My performance is never good enough.
Collapsing, privately. When you have that kind of narrative there's no room for joy. I didn't
have strong friendships, completely isolated, sobbing, hyperventilating. I took something good,
like ministry. Crazy panic attacks. I turned that into my identity.
Something was dying.
I didn't know who I was.
Just deep deep depression.
I don't have it in me to change.
That's where I found God. He was waiting for me.
I think He had to take me to my hardest moments
because that's when He's like, this is the Jason who i've been waiting for. Now let's get to work.
That's when God really started this excavation process in my life. He was upending so much,
bringing me to these
really difficult pain points in my life and having me to deal with those things.
And what i've realized about my identity now...
It really hit me when I when I became a father and I remember when my daughter
was about one years old and she's she's exploring the world. um, I would take her on walks and she's
she's looking at nature, she's discovering things and she's inviting me into her
world. She's pointing at things and labeling them and I I get to share
in that moment with her and i just remember like that moment I I was like, "God is this how you,
is this how you see me?
Um, are you proud of me?"
The most beautiful thing that I've learned through this whole process...
is really figuring out who I am becoming.
Not what I'm doing. It's not arriving to some sort of place. It's,
it's being loved right now where I'm at
with no expectations.
Being fully known
and fully accepted.
And not just by God but by people too. I think that that is probably one of the most
amazing things that I've come to realize is God's people
love me not because of what I can do, not because I can fulfill
some sort of need or expectation. People love me because of just who I am. And that that is so
new to me
but incredibly healing. My name is Jason Lee and I Am Second