THIS IS IT, IT IS MONDAY.
THIS IS IT, IT'S MONDAY, THIS IS A KICKOFF FOR OUR BIG LONDON
WEEK.
THIS TIME TOMORROW WE WILL BE BROADCASTING OUR SHOW FROM MY
HOMETOWN LONDON, ENGLAND, STRAIGHT TO YOUR TELEVISION.
WE'RE SO EXCITED.
IT'S AN 8 HOUR TIME DIFFERENCE SO WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT CBS
HAS FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO PUT ME ON EVEN LATER.
NOW LOOK, I'M ONLY GOING TO BE OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR A WEEK,
OKAY.
BUT I PROMISE I WILL COME BACK WITH PLENTY OF JOKES ABOUT
PRESIDENT TRUMP, OR PRESIDENT PENCE OR PRESIDENT BARACK THE
ROCK, WHOEVER IS THE PRESIDENT WHEN I GET BACK.
WE'LL DO THAT.
(APPLAUSE) BUT WHILE WE'RE STILL HERE ON
AMERICAN SOIL, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD DO A COUPLE OF STORIES
THAT COULD ONLY HAPPEN HERE IN THESE UNITED STATES.
AND THIS IS A STORY WE THOUGHT WAS CRAZY.
A TEXAS MAN WENT ON A DATE TO SEE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
2-RBGS RIGHT?
AND IS NOW SUING HIS DATE FOR TEXTING DURING THE MOVIE.
(LAUGHTER) HE THINKS HE CAN SUE HER FOR
TEXTING.
WHO DOES THIS MAN THINK HE IS?
THE GUARDIAN OF THE SAMSUNG GALAXY.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER)
TWO YEARS, TWO YEARS WE'VE BEEN ON THE AIR.
TOO LATE.
NOW THE MAN SAID, THE MAN SAID TEXTING DURING A MOVIE IS ONE OF
MY BIGGEST PET PEEVES, RIGHT.
NOW PET PEEVES ARE NOT WHAT LAWSUITS ARE FOR.
YOU DON'T SUE SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY SAY EXPRESSO INSTEAD OF
ESPRESSO.
IT IS GOING TO MAKE IT VERY HARD FOR HIM ON FUTURE DATES.
LIKE HE'S GOING TO BE LIKE HOW DID YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP END,
AND HE WILL BE LIKE, ON AN EPISODE OF JUDGE JUDY.
HERE'S THE STORY WE THOUGHT WAS NUTS.
A MAN IN WEST VIRGINIA WAS ARRESTED FOR BURGLARY AFTER
STEALING HIS RELATIVE'S HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, ALL RIGHT?
AND WHEN HE WAS QUESTIONED ABOUT THE THEFT, HE SAID HE ONLY DID
IT BECAUSE HE WAS WORRIED HE HAD BEEN CAUGHT ON CAMERA
MASTURBATING AT HER HOUSE.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
YOU ONLY IN WEST VIRGINIA WOULD YOU PLEAD YOUR INNOCENCE BY
GOING, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, NO, I CAN EXPLAIN.
I ONLY TOOK IT BECAUSE I WAS MASTURBATING ON MY GRANDMOTHER'S
COUCH.
(LAUGHTER) BUT SOMETHING GOOD HAS COME OUT
OF THIS.
AT LEAST NOW WE ALL KNOW WHY GRANDMA HAS PLASTIC SLIP COVERS
ON HER COUCH.
(APPLAUSE) THIS WAS A FUN STORY WE LIKED.
AT A WAL-MART IN MINNESOTA A CUSTOMER HAD TO TACKLE A
CONFUSED DEER AFTER IT WANDERED INTO THE STORE.
ALL RIGHT?
THE DEER IS FINE, AN WAS RELEASED BACK INTO THE WILD,
WHICH MAKES THIS THE HAPPIEST POSSIBLE ENDING TO A STORY OF A
DEER WALKING INTO ONE OF AMERICA'S LARGEST SUPPLIERS OF
HUNTING RIFLES.
(LAUGHTER) AND IT IS GOOD FOR THE STORE
TOO.
WAL-MART IS ALREADY TRYING TO CAPITALIZE ON THIS BY CHANGING
THEIR SLOGAN TO WAL-MART, WHERE YOU CAN ALWAYS SAVE A BUCK.
(LAUGHTER) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ONE OF MY OWN.
AND FINALLY TONIGHT, WE WANTED TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO A NEW
TREND RIGHT HERE IN THESE AMERICAN STATES.
PEOPLE IN SOME BIG CITIES HAVE STARTED TO DO SOMETHING CALLED
SOLOGAMY.
NOW IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, IT IS WHERE YOU HAVE A
WEDDING WITH JUST ONE PERSON IN IT, AND YOU GET MARRIED TO
YOURSELF.
(LAUGHTER) I THINK I KNOW A GUARDIANS OF
THE GALAXY FAN WHO MIGHT LIKE THIS.
(APPLAUSE) IT IS A TRUE THING.
YOU INVITE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU JUST MARRY YOURSELF.
LIKE ONE WOMAN WHO SAID THAT SHE GOTD TIRED OF PEOPLE ASKING WHY
SHE WAS STILL SINGLE.
YEAH, MARRYING YOURSELF IS REALLY GOING TO STOP PEOPLE
ASKING YOU ANYTHING.
IT'S PROBABLY FUN THROWING A BIG PARTY FOR YOURSELF, BUT IT'S GOT
TO GET A LITTLE OLD OPENING ALL OF THOSE WEDDING PRESENTS BEING
LIKE OH, GREAT, ANOTHER VIBRATOR.
OH GREAT, ANOTHER ONE.
NO, IT IS A MASSAGER.
I TELL YOU WHAT IS HARDEST ABOUT THIS, IS THE PROPOSAL.
IS IT NOT KNOWING IF YOU ARE GOING TO GET A YES.
YOU WILL BE LIKE WILL YOU MARRY ME, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST DON'T
KNOW IF I'M READY TO COMMIT, WHY, WHY, HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING
ONE SWELLS YOU TRAMP, DON'T CALL ME A TRAMP YOU SEXIST PIG.
THAT'S IT, IT'S OVER. TAKE YOUR THINGS AND GO!