I WATCH THE NEWS A LOT, I WATCH THE NEWS A LOT, AND IT'S
BECOMING INCREASINGLY OBVIOUS THAT OUR POLITICS IS A CONTACT
SPORT.
IT'S MANO A MANO BETWEEN PEOPLE WHO WOULD DEPORT YOU IF YOU
UNDERSTAND THE PHRASE "MANO A MANO."
THE CANDIDATES ARE CURRENTLY BATTLING IT OUT FOR THE GENTEEL
VOTERS OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
MY HOME STATE.
OH, HOW I MISS YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
SAVE ME SOME SHRIMP!
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HOW WE ALL TALK DOWN
THERE.
I LOVE YOUR PEACHES!
( LAUGHTER ) BERNIE SANDERS HAS BEEN FIGHTING
AN UPHILL BATTLE AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON AND DONALD TRUMP IS
BATTLING WITH ANYONE WHO MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH HIM. WHICH
MEANS THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SAFE IS BEN CARSON.
AND STOKING THE FIRES OF POLITICAL DISCONTENT IS THE
MEDIA.
YOU SEE, FOR PEOPLE ON TV CONFLICT IS OUR BRED AND BUTTER,
AND AMERICA IS BOTH GLUTEN AND AND AMERICA IS BOTH GLUTEN AND
LACTOSE INTOLERANT.
BUT WE DON'T CARE.
OTHERS MUST SUFFER FOR US TO HAVE OUR BLOODSPORT.
IT'S LIKE "THE HUNGER GAMES."
NO, IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
IT'S...
"HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES."
WELCOME!
YES, YES.
WELCOME, CITIZENS, ALL TO THE "HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES."
TRIBUTES, ASSEMBLE!
OH, THERE THEY ARE.
THERE THEY ARE.
VYING TO BE CHAMPION OF CAPITAL CITY.
OH, HOW THEIR RANKS ARE THINNING!
THE FIELD IS GETTING ALMOST AS SMALL AS L.G.B.L.T. VOTERS FOR
TED CRUZ.
HE'S NO FRIEND OF CORRIDOR THEE.
BEFORE I CONTINUE, I WANT TO INTRODUCE MY NEW CO-HOST,
CALIGULA.
CALIGULA HERE, HE IS LIKE MANY-- HE IS LIKE MANY PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES.
WHEN HE FIRST APPEARS ON THE SCENE, HE SEEMS FIERCE, BUT
FIRST YOU REALIZE DEAD ON ARRIVAL.
HE'S FINE, HE'S FINE.
NOW, CITIZENS, WHEN LAST WE MET, I NEGLECTED TO... SORRY.
MY MOUTH COULDN'T WAIT.
I HAVE A REAL-- I HAVE A PROBLEM!
ANYWAY, I NEGLECTED TO BID FAREWELL TO ONE OF OUR BOLDEST
CONTESTANTS, FORMER PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR AND SUNDAY SCHOOL
TEACHER WHO ASSIGNS HOMEWORK, RICK SANTORUM, WHO RECENTLY
ANNOUNCED HIS WITHDRAWAL FROM THE RACE.
OF COURSE< AS A GOOD CATHOLIC, WITHDRAWAL IS THE ONLY METHOD HE
APPROVES OF.
NO, NO, NO!
AS FOR THE REST, LAST WEEK, THEY PITCHED OPEN BATTLE IN THE ARENA
OF NEW HAMPSHIRE.
SADLY, FOR MANY TRIBUTES, VOTERS IN THE "LIVE FREE OR DIE" STATE
SAID, "MMM, DIE."
( LAUGHTER ) THE BLOOD-LETTING BEGAN WITH
NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR AND QUASIMODO'S HANDSOME BROTHER,
CHRIS CHRISTIE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MMM!
MMMM!
IN THE GRANITE STATE, HE HOSTED 76 TOWN HALLS AND ATTENDED 180
PUBLIC EVENTS.
HE REALLY MINGLED WITH THE PEOPLE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE.
BUT, EVIDENTLY, TO KNOW HIM IS TO "HIM? NO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CHRISTIE WAS CAMPAIGNING ON HIS BLUNT OUTSPOKENNESS, EVEN
ADOPTING THE SLOGAN, "TELLING IT LIKE IT IS."
SADLY, DONALD TRUMP STOLE HIS THUNDER BY TELLING IT LIKE A
NYQUIL-INDUCED FEVER DREAM?
BUT THE GOVERNOR SHALL NOT GO ALONE INTO THAT DARK NIGHT
BECAUSE HE'S BEING JOINED BY SEVENTH-PLACE FINISHER, CARLY
FIORINA.
YES, THE VOTERS' REACTION TO THE FORMER HEWLETT-PACKARD C.E.O.
WAS CONTROL-ALT-GOOD-BYE.
OH, CARLY, WE HARDLY KNEW-LY!
BUT SHE BRAVELY STEPPED DOWN, VIA FACEBOOK POST, FACEBOOKING,
"TO YOUNG GIRLS AND WOMEN ACROSS THE COUNTRY, I SAY DO NOT LISTEN
TO ANYONE...
ALL RIGHT, I WON'T, THEN.
MOVING ON.
SADLY, I HEAR AND I ABOY.
I HEAR AND I OBEY.
BUT, SADLY, NOT ALL IS FUN AND GAMES IN THE "HUNGRY FOR POWER
GAMES," BECAUSE TONIGHT, TRAGICALLY, WE MUST SAY GOODBYE
TO A MAN WHO HAS, FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, BEEN THE FRONTRUNNER
OF LAST PLACE, FORMER VIRGINIA GOVERNOR JIM GILMORE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IS THAT HIM?
I HOPE SO.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
OH, THERE YOU GO.
HERE I GO.
THE GILMENTUM HAS BECOME GILNERTIA, POSSIBLY GILMENTIA.
THIS ONE HITS HOME ESPECIALLY HARD.
FOR ME AND CALIGULA HERE.
WE THOUGHT HE WAS UNKILLABLE.
AFTER ALL, GILMORE DIDN'T DROP OUT AFTER IOWA, WHERE HE
GOT A TOTAL OF 12 VOTES.
THEY DIDN'T NEED COMPUTERS TO COUNT HIS VOTES.
THEY USED DOUGHNUTS.
BUT THEN HE WENT ON TO SURGE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE WITH 133 VOTES!
THAT'S OVER 11 TIMES AS MANY.
WHY DID YOU DROP OUT, GOVERNOR?
AT THAT RATE, JUST SEVEN STATES LATER, YOU WOULD HAVE HIT
( LAUGHTER ) 2.5 BILLION VOTES, WHICH IS ONE
FOR EVERY PIG THAT WOULD HAVE FLOWN OVER YOUR INAUGURATION.
A LOT OF GILMORE VOTERS HERE TONIGHT, EVIDENTLY.
AS IS OUR CUSTOM, LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE FALLEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) FAREWELL, BRAVE TRIBUTES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FAIR WELL.
YOUR VALOR WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN.
AND YOUR CAMPAIGN DEBTS WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN.