How was our weekend, gang?
REG, HOW WAS SEDONA?
>> IT WAS REALLY COOL.
FAIRLY AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL.
JUST INSANE GEOGRAPHY.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
>> James: WHEN YOU GOT THERE, WERE YOU, LIKE, AH, I COMPLETELY
UNDERSTAND WHY THEY NAMED A CAR AFTER THIS PLACE.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I IMAGINE.
AH, YEAH, IT'S A MID-SIZE, I GET IT, A RENTAL AT THE AIRPORT.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
IT WAS LIKE THE FIRST PROBABLY AMONG THE FIRST THINGS THAT I
THOUGHT.
>> Reggie: I THINK THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
>> Reggie: THAT'S KIND OF WHY I WENT UP THERE, I WAS, LIKE,
DOES IT LIVE UP TO THE NAME?
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HEADLINES.
OVER THE WEEKEND, PRESIDENT TRUMP SEEMED TO ACCIDENTALLY
ADMIT DEFEAT FOR THE FIRST TIME, WHEN HE TWEETED...
"HE WON BECAUSE THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED.ù"
THAT'S RIGHT, TRUMP FINALLY ADMITTED BIDEN WON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: BANG!
BUT I WILL SAY, TRUMP'S HANDLERS WERE
IMMEDIATELY LIKE, "PAY NO ATTENTION, IT WAS JUST A BRIEF
MOMENT OF SANITY."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP WON'T EVEN MENTION BIDEN
BY NAME, KIND OF WHEN A TEENAGER TALKS ABOUT THEIR EX
BEST-FRIEND. "WELL I WAS HAVING A GREAT TIME AT THE MALL UNTIL
SHE SHOWED UP."
"WHO?" "HER!"
BUT AFTER HE REALIZED WHAT HE HAD DONE, THE PRESIDENT LATER
TWEETED THIS, IN ALL CAPS...
"I WON THE ELECTION!" I'VE GOT TO SAY, YOU'D THINK
THIS WOULD BE BIGGER NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) LISTEN, AS THE PARENT OF THREE
YOUNG CHILDREN, I CAN ASSURE YOU, WE'VE STILL GOT LIKE SIX
MORE STAGES OF TANTRUM BEFORE WE FINALLY GET HIM DOWN FOR BED.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE THING, SCREAMING
SOMETHING DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.
IN FACT, IF YOU SAW A FRIEND TWEET IN ALL CAP "MY LIFE IS
GOING GREAT!" YOU'D IMMEDIATELY START TO WORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE MAY BE SLOWLY ACCEPTING
HIS FATE BECAUSE, JUST HOURS LATER, TRUMP POSTED A MORE
SUBDUED, LESS SCREAMY VERSION OF THE SAME TWEET, WRITING...
"I WON THE ELECTION!" ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT THAT.
WITHOUT THE ALL-CAPS I CAN HARDLY RECOGNIZE THAT AS A TRUMP
TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH HE DID RANDOMLY
CAPITALIZE "ELECTION" TO LET US KNOW HE HASN'T FORGOTTEN HIS
ROOTS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN REALLY SENSE HOW
DEFLATED TRUMP IS FROM HIS TWEETS.
HE'S HOURS AWAY FROM TWEETING...
(SAD) "WITCH HUNT OR WHATEVER.ù" ( LAUGHTER )
SURE, LOCK HER UP.
DO WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU ALWAYS DO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> JAMES: BUT SOME PEOPLE STILL
DON'T THINK IT'S OVER.
ON SATURDAY, A FEW THOUSAND TRUMP SUPPORTERS GATHERED IN
WASHINGTON D.C. TO PROTEST THE ELECTION RESULTS.
BUT THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY FALSELY CLAIMED ON
TWITTER THAT MORE THAN A MILLION PEOPLE ACTUALLY ATTENDED.
I MEAN, IF THIS IS HOW HIS AIDES DO MATH, THEN IT'S WONDER TRUMP
THINKS HE WON THE ELECTION.
THE PRESS SECRETARY EVEN TWEETED THIS PHOTO TO SUPPORT HER CLAIùu
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A MILLION PEOPLE, BUT KEEP IN MIND A LOT
OF THOSE GUYS ARE WEARING CAMOUFLAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS KNOWN AS "THE MILLION
MAGA MARCH."
WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL NAME, "THE CRAZIES
THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE."
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT KIND OF FLOATS AND GIANT
BALLOONS WOULD YOU SEE AT "THE CRAZIES THANKSGIVING DAY
PARADE?" WHAT WOULD YOU GET THERE?
>> WE'RE TALKING THE CRAZIES THANKSGIVING PARADE?
>> James: YEAH.
WHAT KIND OF FLOATS?
>> James: WHAT SORT OF BALLOONS WOULD YOU SEE?
>> MAYBE A FLOUT OF MY EXWIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: HANG OPEN.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
>> AT THE CRAZIES THANKSGIVING PARADE?
>> James: YEAH.
THE KIND OF FLOAT WE MAY SEE?
>> James: YEAH.
HOW ABOUT MY EX-WIFE.
>> James: I STILL DON'T GET IT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I DID THAT THING WHERE I
LAUGHED ALONG.
>> I THINK HE'S SUGGESTING HIS EX-WIFE IS CRAZY.
>> Reggie: SHE'S CRAZY.
NOT ONLY DOES SHE HAVE A COUPLE OF SCREWS LOOSE, SHE
DRIVES ME CRAZY.
( RIM SHOT ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M MISSING.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW I'M IN THE MINORITY.
IAN SAID IT, I BELIEVE IT'S FUNNY, I JUST DON'T GET IT.
DO YOU GET IT, GUILLERMO?
>> I WOULD JUST SUGGEST MOVING ON.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, WHETHER IT WAS -- LOOK,
WHETHER IT WAS THOUSANDS OR A MILLION, THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT THE WHITE HOUSE IS STILL ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO GATHER IN
LARGE GROUPS WITHOUT MASKS RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA,
THE CITY JUST UNVEILED PLANS FOR THE NATION'S FIRST-EVER FLYING
CAR HUB.
HERE'S AN ARTIST'S RENDERING OF WHAT IT WILL LOOK LIKE
SO AN AIRPORT. THEY INVENTED AN AIRPORT.
IT'S BEING CALLED A "VERTIPORT."
AS IN (SERIOUS NEWS ANCHOR) "THERE WAS YET ANOTHER ACCIDENT
TODAY AT THE NATION'S FIRST VERTIPORT..."
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT -- BRING THAT UP!
HOW IS THAT A FLYING CAR?
IF YOU HAVE A TWENTY-FOUR-FOOT WINGSPAN, THAT'S NOT A CAR!
GOOD LUCK AT THE CARL'S JUNIOR DRIVE-THRU LANE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S MY DEBIT CARD, SHOULD I
JUST THROW IT TO YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) WOULD YOU DO THIS, GUILLERMO?
YOU WERE TRYING TO SHOW ME THE WINGS DR. .
>> FLIP IN.
>> James: IT DOESENTS LOOK LIKE A CAR.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE A COMB.
>> Reggie: IT'S MADE BY LILLIAN.
IT'S A MULTI-PROPULSION SYSTEM KIND OF GROUND EFFECT VEHICLE.
IT'S HARD.
YOU CAN'T MAKE CARS LOOK LIKE CARS AND FLY.
I'LL SEE YA LATER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THAT'S TOO MUCH!
BUT THAT'S MY POINT, THEN, DON'T CALL IT A FLYING CAR.
>> Reggie: I AGREE.
>> James: CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE BECAUSE IF IT'S A FLYING
CAR, I WANT IT TO BE A SEDONA.
( LAUGHTER ) I WANT IT TO BE A SEDONA AND I
WANT IT STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
I DON'T WANT IT TO GO TO A VERTIPORT AND TAKE OFF.
I WANT TO BE ON THE 405 IN TRAFFIC AND BE LIKE, TWO HOURS,
FORGET THAT.
SEE YOU LATER, GUYS!
THAT'S A FLYING CAR.
>> Reggie: I AGREE.
>> James: AND FINALLY, JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, THE SNACK
COMPANY RITZ IS GIVING AWAY A GIANT TEN
INCH CRACKER MEANT TO BE USED AS AN EDIBLE HOLIDAY CHEESE BOARD.
HERE IT IS HERE. SO NOW YOU CAN BE LIKE, "DO I
WANT AN APPETIZER?
I REALLY SHOULDN'T. BUT I GUESS I CAN HAVE ONE CRACKER."
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE THAT PEOPLE AREN'T
ALLOWED TO SHARE FOOD BECAUSE OF COVID AND RITZ IS LIKE, "BUT
WHAT IF YOU COULD EAT THE PLATE EVERYONE'S BEEN TOUCHING ALL
NIGHT LONG?!" ( LAUGHTER )
A TEN-INCH CRACKER.
IS IT PRACTICAL?
NO.
BUT IS IT INTERESTING?
ALSO NO.
THE CRACKER ISN'T FOR SALE.
IT'S BEING GIVEN AWAY THROUGH RITZ'S INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.
WHICH EXPLAINS THIS ODD TWEET FROM TRUMP...
"I WON THE GIANT RITZ CRACKER!" ( LAUGHTER )