I recently got an email from a woman who said that she had been diagnosed with severe anxiety and
depression and some other disorders, and she tried yoga, mindfulness, self-compassion, grounding
skills, and DBT skills. She saw doctors, she tried multiple medications, but still she had so much
anxiety that it made it hard for her to function in life. But she said in her email something did
work: leaving her abusive husband. You see, the problem wasn't the anxiety in her head;
the problem was the situation. She was married to an abusive man. He was physically abusive,
emotionally abusive, and financially abusive for 17 years. In that situation you could do all the
therapy in the world, but the anxiety probably wouldn't go away because anxiety wasn't the
problem. Anxiety was the messenger. And in this situation it was delivering a truthful message:
you aren't safe. And no matter how much coping she did or how much yoga and positive thinking,
it wasn't going to change the situation for her. She said that when she finally left that abusive
relationship, all of her symptoms greatly decreased. She continues to get support from
her family, friends, and professionals, but she doesn't experience severe anxiety and depression
anymore. Sometimes the best treatment for anxiety isn't psychological. It's not mindfulness or
grounding skills. It's actually taking action to solve a problem. In this video we're going
to explore how to manage anxiety by solving problems instead of just coping with them.
And in this whole section of this course we're going to talk about how to listen to anxiety as
a messenger, how to take action that gets to the root of the issue instead of just trying
to change how we feel, with the surprising outcome being that it often changes how we feel.
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Okay. Remember the function of anxiety? It's our body's alerting system. It's like a smoke alarm.
It sometimes goes off when there's no danger. But when there's a real danger, when there's actually
a fire, it doesn't do any good to keep silencing the alarm. You need to put the fire out or leave
the house and make plans for fire prevention in the future. Anxiety can be a messenger. So one of
the biggest problems is that people put all their energy into making their anxiety go away or making
their stress go away, but the emotion was never the problem. Avoiding the emotion or avoiding
the problem is usually the problem. So the question you need to ask is, "Is there a real problem? What is
anxiety trying to tell me? Am I actually in danger, or am I feeling in danger when I'm actually safe?"
If it's the latter, the previous two sections of the course - changing how we think and turning on
the parasympathetic response - are a good way to deal with it. But when there's an actual problem
to be solved, facing the problem is the absolute best solution. So one of the biggest problems
with popular stress management advice is that it's all focused on reducing the stress response. It's
all focused on relaxation instead of actually addressing the stressor. So if I'm worried about
finances, maybe that's because I need to create a budget and a long-term financial plan and not
just practice some breathing techniques. If you're stressed about your email inbox, don't just do a
meditation. Like set some boundaries. You can delegate, unsubscribe, determine which emails are essential
to your role and which ones aren't, take your work email off your phone, or stop checking it at night.
Okay. How about this: does that one person drive you crazy? Instead of just doing a relaxation technique,
perhaps you need to learn a new skill, like how to be assertive or how to set boundaries. Maybe you
need to learn to communicate better or deal with conflict appropriately. The anxiety around that
relationship might be a sign that something needs to change and that you need to level up. Now, these
may - I get it. These may sound like trite solutions. I understand that the lasting solutions to these
problems might be quite complicated. But the idea is you can't just manage anxiety by managing your
anxiety response. We have to look at the stressors, not by avoiding them but by facing and resolving
them. And I want to emphasize this: resolving problems is not the same as avoiding them. Um
you can't just cut people off and use that as your only tool. You'll end up very lonely. You can't just
avoid everything that makes you anxious because one, that shrinks your life down, and two, it feeds
the anxiety cycle. Avoidance increases anxiety. So if anxiety is a messenger and sometimes anxiety
is trying to tell you that something's wrong, what do we do about that? We need to face problems and
resolve them. So talk about how to solve problems like a therapist. Step number one: write them down.
Nick Wignall says, "Never worry in your head." Right? You might be amazed at how much good that simple step
actually does. Be specific and concrete. So don't say, "Oh, work is too stressful." Say, "I get stressed
out because we have so many projects at once and I don't know which one I should focus on, so I feel
like I'm never doing good enough because there's always more to do." So by being more specific,
writing down each project, exploring that feeling of never good enough, you'll give yourself something
tangible to work on. We can actually - when we break down a problem we make it clear. We can actually
take action on each of those little problems. Okay. Step two: visualize what a positive outcome would
look like. So be solution-oriented. What would it look like when that problem is solved? For example,
I would be clear on my responsibilities at work, and I would excuse myself from email conversations
that don't apply to me. Or I would have clear, set hours each week when I do and don't answer emails.
Or I would know how much money I could spend. I would have a backup fund. I would feel out
of debt. I wouldn't feel worried about money all the time because I would feel confident that I
knew what I was doing. Um or for example I would communicate more directly with my mother-in-law.
I would tell her what I do and don't like inside of my own home, or I would ask her to call before
showing up. So these are examples of outcomes, what we would see differently. Okay. Um and and
you'll notice that I focus on what you can change, not on what you can't change. So when we visualize
a positive outcome, it's not that helpful to just visualize like, "Oh, I would never have to work again
because I win the lottery" or "My mother-in-law would magically be able to read my mind and do
everything my way," right? We focus on what we can change and like the tiny steps to do them. We, you
know, we we focus on the steps that we can take. Okay. Number three: overcoming mental blocks. So
I bet when I brought up these solutions you had an automatic resistance to one of these answers.
You thought, "That's not realistic" or "That'll never work." So this is the third thing therapists do when
they solve problems: we know how to identify and work around mental blocks. Now, most of us have a
default way of dealing with obstacles. We all have a hammer. But when all you have is a hammer, every
problem looks like a nail. And suddenly you're surprised when a hammer won't drive a bolt. So
let's identify your mental blocks. What is your default response to problems? Let me just talk
about some of the biggest challenges I see in therapy. The first one is, you know, people don't
have the skills to solve a problem, and they don't even know what the skill is called. So they don't
know, for example, how to have crucial conversations, or they don't know how to be assertive, or they
don't know how to set boundaries. Um the next big problem, the big mental block I see is people are
too scared to do what they want to do um or what they know they should do. Uh they're letting their
emotions make their decisions instead of their values. Um you know, it's normal to be scared of
change, and our nervous system prefers a familiar hell to an unfamiliar heaven. Third thing I see a
lot of times in therapy is people just don't know what they really want. They haven't clarified their
values. And then the fourth one is the thing that I think in therapy we do all the time as
a therapist. People need support organizing a big, complex, emotional problem. They need someone to
help them get clarity, essentially a sounding board with a whiteboard. Like I can't even imagine doing
therapy without having something to write on, like a whiteboard or a clipboard a piece of paper, where
we take these problems and we write them down and we put them - we organize them. Because um I
think one of the most effective skills to solving problems is just learning how to break a problem
down into small steps. So we might - like a lot of us might know how to do this in our jobs or at
work, but I think very few people know how to do this with emotional or mental problems. So those
are like the the main things I see in therapy. Um here's a few other common mental blocks: um
we can't see the real problem or we're lacking perspective. So in that situation we need someone
to - like another perspective, like an outside person. A lot of times people avoid, ignore, or
procrastinate when they're dealing with difficult issues in their life. Do you wait until things are
in crisis before you address them? Sometimes we see toxic positivity. Do you just like think positive
to suppress or control your feelings and just hope it all blows over? Or maybe you revert to
helplessness. Maybe you think, "But my boss will never change" or "I'm just a bad problem-solver.
I'll never figure this out" or "This problem is impossible to solve." Right? Your thoughts are
justifying you in your helplessness. They aren't true. They're comforting thoughts that you choose
to believe because they excuse you from effort. Okay. Do you blame everyone else for your problems?
Like, "Oh, well, my boss is just a narcissist. He'll never change" or "The economy forces me to be poor."
Okay. So what do we do with all of these mental blocks? The first thing I would say is like we've
got to ask for help. We've got to get an outside perspective. A lot of the time we don't even
realize that our habitual blocks are even what's stopping us from solving a problem because we can
rarely see our own blind spots. So this is a great time to get some support and another perspective,
like an honest friend, a helpful family member, or a therapist, right? These can help you get perspective
on the problem and break through your mental blocks. Um the other thing I often do in therapy, if
an individual comes to therapy complaining about their spouse or child or parent, I try to see if
they'll both come to therapy. Much of the time the people we're struggling with are the exact same
people we're unwilling to have a real conversation with. Okay. Number five: use a growth mindset. So when
it comes to problem solving, the best thing you can do is to see problems as an opportunity to
grow and learn new skills, to level up. So if your problem is, for example, not getting along with your
co-workers, the opportunity might be that it's a chance to improve your communication skills
and possibly resolve some arguments with your co-workers. Okay. So here's how we do this: we ask,
"What's the situation?" um and, for example, "My boss gives me too much work." And then, "What would I like
the situation to be?" "I would like my boss to give me less work." "What's the obstacle that's keeping me
from my desired situation?" Um "I'm unsure of how to talk to my boss about my workload." Now, if you take
every single problem and ask, "What's a skill that I could learn from this situation?" you'll almost
always find something that will help you improve as a human being and make your life better. Um for
example I need to learn how to have better self- control with my budget. I need to learn the skill
of assertiveness. I need to learn how to say no to people or how to clarify which tasks take priority.
When you look at a problem as an opportunity to learn, you're going to feel a sense of hopefulness.
Okay. Number six: get creative. Be honest: we get pretty lazy in solving problems. We like to try
the same thing that worked in the past. But if the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem seems
like a nail. You may think that a hammer is your only option, but there's actually thousands of
tools, some of which you've probably never heard of. So this is where it can be helpful to brainstorm
solutions. So make a list of at least 10 options to solve a problem, even ridiculous ways that you
could possibly solve a problem. Write down any possibilities. Don't judge any of them; just get
a bunch of variety. So let's try this with the overbearing mother-in-law. Um I'm just going to
make a huge list of ideas. Um cut her off entirely. Have a dance party with her. Print out a list of
rules for your home and read them with her. Have a conversation with your husband and ask him to
talk to her. Never talk to her again. Okay. I did not say that these were all good options, right? Uh move
out of the country. Take class on assertiveness. Read a book or 10 articles on mother-in-laws. Ask
your friends how they would handle a situation. Have a really difficult conversation. Um make a
list of talking points, and sit down with her and your husband and just really do it. Um you could
also just send her a passive-aggressive text. Like I said, not all of these are good options. Um send
her a carefully thought-out email. Read a book on setting boundaries, and set a boundary with
your mother-in-law. Like um "You may not see the kids if you undermine my rules at my house." Um
find a way to be funny and crack jokes with her. Do something she really likes. Bond with her. Uh
schedule in her specific time. Let her know that she's wanted, but you decide when it happens. Um
give her more responsibilities. Include her in plans and ask her to contribute. Make her feel
wanted and loved. Um ask her to go to therapy with you or mediation or the climbing
gym. Positive reinforcement. Tell her what you like when she does it. Okay. I mean, I get it, right? Like
some of these are really bad ideas. But one of them might be helpful. And if nothing else, you
won't be stuck doing the same thing all the time and feeling crappy about the situation.
You'd be learning something with each experiment. Okay. Number seven: take action. Just pick one to
act on. Stop overthinking, like actually. So most people are afraid that they might have picked
the wrong solution or that perhaps there's a better solution if they just think about the
problem more. And this is usually not helpful thinking. It's usually better to act than to do
nothing at all. Now, sometimes the attempts to fix a problem don't work, but you just learn something.
This is forward progress. this is iteration. Don't be a perfectionist. If you really want to overcome
decision paralysis, you could try this, right? Just rank the possible solutions in order from best to
worst. Rank each one on how likely is this approach to work? And then pick the most reasonable plan. Put
the plan into action. If it doesn't work go to the next best solution, and try that one. And then just
continue to try until you solve the problem. Okay. So there's my approach to working through problems.
This is how I solve problems as a therapist. I help people get really clear on the problem. We
visualize what they do want. We work through mental blocks. We get support. We see every problem as
an opportunity to learn. We get creative. And we just try stuff. We just try one thing at a time,
and we learn from each experiment. So often with anxiety, anxiety isn't the problem. When we shift
our attention away from our hyperfocus on our feelings and instead we focus on working toward
the life we dream of, we can solve problems and actually resolve the root of anxiety. Okay. I hope
this is helpful. In the next video we'll talk about how to face our fears using exposure therapy.
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