- Quick question.
Where are my millennials at?
(audience cheering)
Oh yeah.
Hell yeah.
Where are my Gen Z?
(audience cheering)
All right.
Ew, ew, gross.
(audience laughing)
Stop it, okay?
What about my older generations?
(audience cheering)
All right, cool.
Fuck you.
(audience laughing)
Fuck you, okay?
Get your duplex money out of here, okay?
(audience laughing)
We don't need it.
I am a 35 millennial and recently single,
which is, man, it is rough being 35 and single.
Because the advice doesn't work for me, okay?
Advice in your 20s, it's cute.
Gen Z, you have such cute advice, right?
It's always just like, "If it's not a hell yeah,
(audience laughing)
then it's a hell no".
(audience laughing)
I can't do that.
Right? I'm 35.
It's, like, for me if it's not a "Ugh",
(audience laughing)
then it's a, "Yeah, okay, whatever".
(audience laughing)
He has a car, he hasn't said anything racist yet.
So...
(audience laughing)
I guess we're married now.
(audience laughing)
Also, this is my favorite advice.
This is my favorite advice that Gen Z loves to give out.
It's adorable.
They're just like, "Don't settle".
Okay.
Queen, queen.
(audience laughing)
Slay, slay, slay.
(audience laughing)
"Don't settle.
Okay, why would you go for crumbs?
When you can have the whole cake?"
(audience laughing)
Because I'm fucking hungry now, all right?
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, have you seen 35 year old unmarried cake?
It's fucking creepy, okay.
(audience laughing)
Also, now I'm in my thirties,
half the cakes can't even rise when you put them in the oven
because they have too much on their mind.
Oh!
(audience cheering)
A lot of anxious cake out there, okay.
Go to therapy, cake.
Talk to your dad.
(audience laughing)
He misses you.
(audience laughing)
Man, being a millennial, I mean,
I feel like we got totally fucked.
We got totally fucked over, right?
(audience cheering)
We did, okay.
Here me out, okay.
This is what happened,
millennials, it was our time before the pandemic.
We were gonna, like, own shit and, like, have a 401k.
I don't know what that is, but we were gonna have it, okay?
(audience laughing)
We were gonna, woo, stocks, bonds, I don't know.
But it was ours.
And then we all had to go inside because of the pandemic.
And then while we were on Zoom doing fucking Zoom yoga,
Gen Z came in, and like a phoenix from the ashes,
just came and usurped everything from us.
And that is unfair because
we survived so much already, okay?
We survived 911, we survived the housing crisis.
We survived elections, okay?
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
And if you're wondering, which one, all of them.
They've all been bad for us, okay?
Our parents' elections, they were easy.
They were just like,
which candidate would you share a jelly bean with?
(audience laughing)
And then our elections have been like
which pedophile do you prefer?
(audience laughing)
And it is, that is unfair, okay?
It's so unfair.
And look, I believe in the system.
Okay, let me start,
(audience laughing)
let me start that over.
Voting, I love it.
I vote.
Do you guys vote?
(audience cheering)
Great, I love it.
Right? I'm a big voter.
And here's the thing, local elections matter.
You gotta vote locally.
Small elections, that's where shit changes.
But honestly, I don't feel like
we even vote enough in this country.
We should be voting for more things, right?
Like sure, sometimes you get to vote for the sheriff, great.
But we should be voting for
the actual cops who get the jobs.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
And the only thing you have to go on
is a bio written by someone who knew them in high school.
(audience cheering)
That's it.
Yeah, you get it.
Yeah.
You walk into the booth and you're just like,
"Oh, well, it looks like Gary here wants to be a cop.
Ooh, okay.
One time in high school,
Gary got so drunk that
he pissed in my dead grandmother's urn".
Wow, Gary should not be a cop.
Gary should be a senator.
All right, let's give,
(audience laughing)
let's give that man some power.
Gary gets it.
Gary makes decisions.
(audience laughing)
So now that I'm out here being 35 and single,
actually, I feel you guys should congratulate me
because I got rid of all my dating apps, okay?
(audience cheering)
Yeah, yeah.
Because I am gonna meet dudes the old fashioned way,
prison letters.
That's how you do it.
(audience laughing)
Look, they've been to therapy, those dudes.
They've all, they've worked through their shit.
But I did meet this guy a long time ago on Hinge.
I liked it because I love a good prompt.
My favorite one is the 'What is your love language?'
Who here knows what their love language is?
(audience cheering)
Okay, cool, cool.
I don't care.
But if you're anything like me,
a strong, independent woman,
entrepreneur, business minded,
then your love language is probably acts of service, right?
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
Because I am exhausted.
Like, I just did my own taxes,
I started a charity for dogs in wheelchairs
and I opened three small businesses.
And you wanna give me words of affirmation?
Oh, good job babe, you're doing such a good job.
That's a fucking loser move, okay?
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
You wanna impress me?
You go detail my car while I'm at work,
I'll suck your dick at your grandma's funeral, okay?
(audience laughing)
But I did meet this guy, I really liked him, okay?
He had this kink that I really liked
and I'm a little bit of a kinky girl, okay?
His kink was body hair.
(audience laughing)
Okay, right?
Yeah.
Mine not his, my hair.
Which I think, what a great kink, right?
What a wonderful thing for somebody just to like
something about you that just comes naturally.
You know?
I was like, "Man I hope this guy likes
panic attacks and night farts".
(audience laughing)
Because that's also very natural.
It didn't work out.
Can you imagine?
So we broke up and you know, I feel like,
okay, I feel like ladies, you get it.
You break up with someone, what do you do?
You just get rid of your hair, just like cut it off.
I don't want it.
I didn't have to do that.
All I did, was I just shaved my pubes
and then I sent it to him in an envelope like a ransom note.
(audience laughing)
I'm kidding, I didn't do that.
I'm kidding.
There's a lot, the postage would be insane, oh my God.
That's a priority shipment right there, you know.
Two days or less.
(audience laughing)
I think the person most disappointed
in me being single is my dad, okay?
My dad is a very conservative Catholic guy.
I'm like the worst thing for him, right?
Like, I'm single, unmarried, no kids and Jewish.
And he is just, woo.
His Catholic daughter a Jew?
What a terrible thing.
(audience laughing)
But he is like, he is old.
He's like, you know, he's an old dude,
he's got really bad opinions about shit.
Like, if you're gonna have bad opinions,
have good reasons behind them.
He doesn't, like, for example, during the pandemic
he was like, "I'm not wearing a mask, Jen".
And I was like, "Why not?".
And he goes, "Because Jen, what would our founding fathers
think if they saw us wearing masks today, huh?".
And I was like, "I don't think they'd care Dad.
I think that Thomas Jefferson would get here
and be like why are there women in power?".
(audience laughing) And then... right?
And then he would see a plane, scream, and get hit by a bus.
Every founding father would immediately get hit by a bus.
(audience laughing)
Everyone got fat during the pandemic, I'm happy about it.
I'm a fat person.
Where the fat people at?
(audience cheering)
Cool, I have eyes, some of you should be clapping.
I don't know what, just embrace it, okay?
It's true, I'm happy.
Because during the pandemic
all I got were weird weight loss emails.
They were just like,
"How many pushups can you do during quarantine?
All right, don't get fat, your dad's dead, whoops!".
Like, that was every email.
But it's just like, I don't care.
You think I care what's gonna happen
when, like, the world's over?
You think I give a shit what my butt looks like
when I'm wiping it with leaves?
I don't care.
Do you think they did that during the plague
where they're just like,
"Oh no Joffrey lost his entire family.
But did you see how many burpees he can do?
He has a six-pack, one for every family member he's lost".
(audience laughing)
So my dad wants me to find a good guy,
but I live in Los Angeles, so that's not gonna happen.
(audience laughing)
And this did recently happen to me though,
in Los Angeles, okay?
I was walking down the street
and this homeless guy approached me.
And I don't wanna make fun of homeless people,
that's not what I do,
as comedians we should be punching up, not down,
but I will make fun of this one.
(audience laughing)
So, I was walking on the street
and this homeless guy comes up and he goes,
"Are you pregnant?".
And as a fat chick, I'm like, okay, I'm ready for it.
Right? I'm ready for the fat jokes.
This guy, he did not do that, okay?
He did not disappoint.
He goes, "It's mine. Somebody took my seed
and they put it inside of you without my permission.
You need to abort it right now.
You need to get rid of it right now".
And I was like, whoa,
(audience laughing)
this guy supports women's rights.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)