In Philadelphia news,
the Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty
was accused of allegedly punching a 13-year-old boy
-after a hockey game. -(laughter)
Sources are calling it the friendliest thing to happen
in the history of Philadelphia sports.
By the way, these guys have been getting away with murder
for so long.
Like, mascots do anything, and nobody cares.
They're grabbing girls' boobs. Honk-honk.
Getting behind 'em, you know, it's, like, everybody's like,
"Ah-ha-ha-ha."
I want to be the first to say,
I am very disappointed in my uncle. I do...
-Was this him? -I'm not proud of it.
I'm not proud of it, but it happened.
Also, it's a 13-year-old boy in Philly?
He's probably got to be, like, 265, five ten.
They make big kids out there. Take the hit, kid.
-Take the hit. -I mean, the kid gets hit
in the back of his head every night.
-Tonight it's done by a mascot. -(laughter)
Who cares? Also, the guy that's in this costume
-has a horrible life. -Yeah.
Nobody wants to be... This is just,
it's a shittier Oscar the Grouch.
This is like if Sesame Street made an STD character.
-Yeah. -Gritty the Gonorrhea.
-Yeah. -Yeah, I mean, look at his eyes.
He looks stressed out. He looks like Prozacky.
That's what he looks like.
And I... but I actually like this better than, like--
I'm a Chuck E. Cheese kid, right, which I always thought
was the worst, because it's, like, a street rat with a tie.
So your... your parents really don't give a (bleep) about you
-if they take you to Chuck E. Cheese. -Right.
And the way they drum was so creepy.
-It was so (bleep). -Yeah. -It was Hit Your Kid Night.
-I think it was nice. -Yep. -(laughter)
-SPADE: You know... -I enjoyed it.
And who's under there, because you feel like
it's some ex-con that went to Hobby Lobby.
-What... -Yeah. -(laughter)
-What do you need... -This is Philly--
-it was an ex-con that went to Hobby Lobby. -Yeah, I know.
'Cause who's under there? They just run around
and do fun stuff.
He does carry a gun at all times.
-Does he really? -It's a T-shirt gun, but still.
It was Philadelphia-- he should carry a gun.
And, like, I'm not against, uh, hitting kids.
-You know what I mean? So... -Yes! -Yes! -Same. Same.
It's, like-- and how hard could that hit have been?
He has, like, furry gloves. Like, relax.
I used to get hit with a frying pan, okay? So...
(cheering, applause)
I love applauding for child... for beating kids.
-Yes! -Yeah! Beat the kids!
-(cheering, whooping) -Let's beat the kids, baby!
I got spanked.
Did you get spanked growing up?
I didn't get hit, but I've also had a horrible life.
-Okay. So it evens out? -I was never hit.
I was allowed to do whatever I wanted.
And, I mean, it led to drugs and just debt, and it's bad.
-You know? -Yeah, yeah.
It's because Tim was this size as a baby.
-Who's gonna hit you, like, at this size? -Yeah, I...
I had this voice when I was three.
-(laughter) -So you can't... you can't...
you can't hit a loan shark.
-(laughter) -You know? Just, you got to...
you got to let me do what I want.
If he ever, uh, murders anyone, they're gonna find him,
'cause there'll be 300 orange hairs at the crime scene.
-(laughter) -CSI: Philly.
All right, well, in other sports news,
Tim Tebow got married over the weekend.
-You might have heard about it. Yeah. -(cheering, applause)
I don't know. They're a good crowd, that's why.
Uh, wedding...
It feed... It featured-- Tim, you'll love it--
a keto-friendly menu.
-DILLON: Ugh. -Yeah, I know.
The guy can avoid vagina for 32 years, he can't afford...
He can't avoid a pig in a blanket for 12 minutes?
I don't know. I did keto for, like, three and a half hours.
I had, like, two heart attacks.
I'm telling you. Like, he's not even gonna know
if she's coming or going, 'cause I'm telling you,
while she's coming, she could just be having a heart attack.
(laughter)
This is made of kale.
-Is it? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SANTINO: I read... I read the menu for this,
and-and it's really nice 'cause she's from South Africa.
-Right. -So they included a lot of their dishes.
Do you know? Like, they did fried apartheid.
-Was really good. -DILLON: Oh!
And you dip it in this blood diamond sauce.
It's so good. I've had it once.
I think he could take a few feet off the chain,
-and he'd be okay, right? -DILLON: Yeah.
-SPADE: It's a little... -SAUNDERS: Yeah. I mean,
that's so sad that he hasn't...
I mean, no woman wants to be with a man who's never had sex.
-DILLON: Yeah. -It's like, go test out a few pussies
and come back to me, 'cause I don't want to be your practice.
You know, I don't want you practicing on me.
-DILLON: Yeah. -You better go (bleep) some other women.
-DILLON: Yeah. -SPADE: Yeah.
-Yeah, it's... -That's right.
-That was in their vows. -That was in their vows.
'Cause he's gonna be eating something later
-that might not be keto. -SANTINO: It's just the worst...
(laughter)