- It is so good to be here
'cause I have only been talking to college students
for the last four months.
Oh my god.
It is so nice to just be here
and be talking to real sad people.
You know what I mean?
Like, ugh, they have hope in their eyes.
It's fucking gross. (audience laughs)
And here's the thing, I didn't know this.
Did you know that college kids drink for fun
and not to forget?
Did you guys know that? (audience laughs)
That's insane!
Like, I remember when I was in college
I would drink whatever to get fucked up, right?
I'd be like gin and tonic?
Hell yeah.
Vodka soda?
Fuck yeah. (audience laughs)
Ethanol and Fanta?
Let's party. (audience laughs)
I can't do that anymore.
I'm 32, okay?
I go to bed at 10 p.m. every night
so I can wake up at six in the morning
and listen to motivational tapes
so I have a reason to live.
That's (audience laughs)
all I do now. (chuckles)
And it bums me out
'cause recently my favorite one, Tony Robbins
got me too-ed.
Did you hear the news? (girl laughs)
Is anyone surprised? (audience laughs)
No, people pay $80,000
to go to their seminars, okay?
If there's not a weird, satanic, sex-orgy going on,
it's a waste of my fucking money, okay?
(audience laughs)
He got me too-ed.
I got really sad about it and look,
we're all monsters!
Everyone in Hollywood is a fucking monster.
In two years, the only people we'll have left
are going to be Lin-Manuel Miranda and a Muppet.
Those are the only ones. (audience laughs)
Okay and not even a good one.
Gonzo?
He fucks chickens. (audience laughs)
Okay?
Miss Piggy is an abuser. (laughing)
And Kermit, he's a beta male.
No one fucking likes Kermit. (audience laughs)
All right?
He's a cuck, we all know that. (laughing loudly)
Yeah man.
I mean, here's the thing
is that, when it comes to drinking
the one thing I really hate hearing is people saying that
lady drinks, right?
Girly drinks are somehow the weaker drink.
That's bullshit.
'Cause I've never been more fucked up in my life
than off a girly drink. (audience chuckles)
Beer?
That's shit. (audience laughs)
Yeah, I could drink 12 beers, pass out,
wake up in a fountain smelling like a yeast infection, yeah.
(laughing)
I could do that.
Or I can drink 2/3 of an Appletini, black out, wake up
I've started a small business, okay?
(crowd laughs)
I just wake up, I'm just like,
"Ah shit, did I incorporate again last night?"
(laughs)
Ugh, man.
So much paperwork. (laughs)
These dudes in my bed, they're my shareholders, okay?
(laughs)
We have a meeting coming up.
The other thing I don't like.
I don't like stereotypes, right?
I hate this concept of big dick energy.
(laughs) Right?
You guys know what I'm talking about.
And I'll tell you why I don't like it,
'cause it's not real, okay?
I've met people with big dicks.
They are weird, quiet, never make eye contact.
(laughs) That is every person
with a big dick, okay?
What you have is medium penis power at best.
And I get it, right?
It's heavy.
They can't make eye contact.
They're just like oh my god.
(laughs)
(exhales) I saw a boob today.
I am wiped.
(laughs)
(groans) It's true.
I went on a date with a guy,
during the date he said,
"I just finished reading a book on how to not be awkward."
(laughs)
And my first thought was
"oh man, I got to go buy lube now".
Like that's, my night is ruined, okay?
I've got to call out of work,
I don't even have a job to go to, okay?
I was just going to call an office and be like,
"Hi, I can't come in today, I encountered a giant dick".
And they were going to be like "who are you?"
and I would say a hero, click.
(laughs)
Living in LA has really screwed me up.
Anyone else?
(cheers)
This place is weird, okay?
I didn't realize what a bubble we live in,
until I left.
I was doing a show in Johnson City, Tennessee
and I was on stage talking
about the healing powers of crystals.
(laughs)
Then I saw the look of horror on everyone's face,
and I was like oh, they think I'm talking about meth.
'Cause everywhere else in the country, LA,
crystal is meth, okay?
I was on stage being like,
oh my god, the healing powers of crystals.
And they're just like crystal ruined my family.
Like it was,
such a different experience.
I also learned about this thing living in LA,
called sex magic.
Have you guys heard of it?
Okay, get ready for your minds to be blown, okay?
Sex magic is the act
of harnessing the power
of your orgasm to achieve your goals.
That's it.
Its just masturbating to things that you want.
(laughs)
It's like a vision board in your pants, you know?
Like you don't need to cut out magazines or anything.
Which I love this concept 'cause that means
if you get caught by your partner masturbating,
you can just be like whatever babe
I was just casting spells, okay?
I was just casting some spells,
I'm trying to get us a house,
what the fuck are you doing?
(laughs)
You're lazy not me.
I know after this show,
some of you are going to go home and be like,
let's screen play.
I get it.
(laughs)
I get it.
Look at that call back (groans)
or some of you are just going to be like
$50 gift card from Starbucks.
I don't know, whatever.
Whatever you want to fuck to.
(laughs)
I'll leave you guys with this little PSA.
I am a lady with endometriosis,
any of my other endo ladies, huh?
Great, good to hear it.
So what this is if you don't know,
it's a condition where my uterine lining
grows on other parts of my body.
Right, like what a shitty superpower to have.
Like when they were giving out mutant powers,
they were just like
storm, weather, cyclopes, eye shit, Jenny,
you're not going to like this.
And it's just more proof
of like how complicated the female body is.
Like I can grow other parts of my organs
everywhere else.
A dick is going to grow one place,
it's not changin'.
There's never going to be a doctor's appointment
where the doctor's like Mr. Davis, the results came back.
It's exactly what we expected.
You have a dick growing on the inside of your lung.
(laughs)
And he's just like oh my god.
what are my options, doctor?
Well you can either have a high five, or a fist bump
'cause that shit is cool.
You have a dick in your lung, dude.
Am I going to die?
Oh, for sure, you're for sure going to die,
you have a dick in your lung.
Come on.
Every time he gets a boner he coughs, c'mon it's great.
It's a great visual.
But truly, I got to take care of myself, right?
I got to take care of all that stuff down there.
Don't want to get pregnant so I have an IUD.
Okay, some of you do know what that is.
If you don't know what it is,
an IUD is a form of birth control.
It's this little plastic T
that they put in your uterus using a tee shirt cannon.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)