- We're about halfway through the program
and you know what that means,
time for me to settle in from a nightly mid show snack.
Tonight, I'm gonna do something a little special.
I bought myself a sandwich
from the local Subway sandwich chain.
The restaurant, obviously not the transportation system.
(audience laughing)
Their sandwiches, they're good,
but they always put too much urine.
(audience laughing)
You can never go wrong eating fresh.
- Big changes for the world's
largest sandwich chain this morning.
Subway announced it's removing
a controversial chemical from its bread.
(audience laughing)
- Controversial, what do you mean?
Controversial like the NFL
isn't ready for a gay player controversy
or Subway bread chemical collecting our phone metadata
or does this chemical wanna build a mosque at ground zero?
What chemical are we even contr conversing about?
- The chemical we are talking about here,
azodicarboamide.
(audience laughing)
- I see the problem here.
If you change your font size,
(audience laughing)
you could fit that on just one screen.
You could.
Because anytime you're using what appears to be
8,000 point text, (audience laughing)
it is going to take up your whole studio.
Tell me about this azodicarboamide.
- Supposedly it helps make the bread
look whiter and puffier, but it's also found in yoga mats
and in the soles of our shoes.
(audience laughing)
- Yoga mats, huh?
Maybe that's why every time I eat at Subway,
I always end up in the bathroom in the lotus position.
(audience laughing)
Ohm.
Oh, all right, fine.
(beep) it.
You know what?
That's why I always bring a backup snack.
I'm gonna treat myself instead to a nice homemade sandwich.
I know what's in this two slice of bread,
little mayo, slice of classic American Kraft Singles Cheese.
Ba-bam!
- Kraft Foods is cutting artificial preservatives
from its top selling individually wrapped cheese slices.
Kraft is replacing sorbic acid
with something it says is a natural mold inhibitor.
(audience laughing)
- I'm so hungry. (audience laughing)
Crap, wait a minute.
A mold inhibitor?
Kraft American Singles don't need mold inhibitors.
They don't go bad by definition because they're American.
(audience laughing)
As a matter of fact, my grandfather gave me
these slices when I was seven.
(audience laughing)
I just love my country's cheese.
(audience laughing)
Desperate times call for desperate measures, people.
I'm actually gonna have to dig
into my emergency food reserve.
Hello, Hot Pocket. (audience laughing)
Hello, Hot Pocket,
trusted friend.
Your time has finally. (audience laughing)
(Jon blowing)
Boy, I hope they go to a roll.
- [Reporter] Nestle USA issuing a voluntary recall
of certain Hot Pockets.
- [Reporter] The food company says
they contain a small amount of recalled beef.
(Jon spitting)
- Oh my God! (audience applauding)
I had no idea they put actual beef in these.
(audience laughing)
I thought the insides were just stuff
they found in their pockets.
(audience laughing)
Well, maybe it's not the variety of Hot Pocket that I buy,
maybe that hasn't been recalled.
Maybe it was just the queso chicken variety
or BBQ with beef variety
or pepperoni pizza variety
or their new ham and bottle cap or
lint and Canadian penny.
As long as it's not my darling Philly Cheese Steak.
- [Reporter] The Hot Pockets affected
are Philly Steak with Cheese and Croissant Crust,
Philly Steak and Cheese.
- Croissant Crust Philly Cheese Steaks.
Yeah, that's a great idea,
combining the classic Philadelphia street food
with a bread it would like to beat the (beep) out of.
(audience laughing)
"Hey, what are you, a croissant?
"How about you come over here
"and I'll beat your (beep) French ass."
(audience laughing)
That's a sort of a Philadelphia accent.
(audience laughing)
So dare I ask what is wrong with this beef?
- [Reporter] The company says,
the products may contain meat
from Rancho Feeding Corporation,
which is recalling nearly 9 million pounds of beef
that regulators say came from diseased and unsound animals.
- Unsound? (audience laughing)
Unsound cows.
Cows that are losing their marbles.
Like the kind of cow that would shoot Reagan
to get Jody Foster's attention?
She's not impressed, cow.
My guess is most cows who are asked
to hoof in a slaughterhouse environment
are going to exhibit some unsound behaviors.
Well, I guess now I have to mail my Hot Pocket
back for the recall.
Luckily, you don't have to buy a separate envelope.
You can just. (audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
Last night I was perusing the internet
and I guess my question to you is,
did I die? (audience laughing)
'Cause it all seems very,
I died. (audience laughing)
No, it was very weird.
It's an overwhelming day here as you can imagine
and people have been asking,
I'm not exactly sure what I'm gonna do next
and I'm not trying to brag,
but some offers have have been coming in.
- [Reporter] Even fast food chain Arby's got in on the fun,
tweeting, "Jon, feel free to reach out to us
"at careers@arbys.com."
(audience cheering)
- You know what?
Actually you know what?
Working there might be fun. (audience laughing)
I guess my only question as a future employee would be,
to work there, would I have to handle, serve, touch, eat
or even look at what you so generously
describe as food?
(audience laughing)
That's right, Arby's.
This mother (beep) thing ain't over.
(audience laughing)
I do not accept your peace offer.
We shall always be enemies!
For while you are a worthy adversary,
(audience laughing)
you will be vanquished.
(audience laughing)
Arby's, come for the tweets, run from the meats.
(audience laughing and applauding)
They're actually very nice people.
They're very nice people
and I think I may have had the food when I was younger.
It's truly an invented beef.
(audience laughing)
Mine not, you know what I'm saying?
(upbeat music)
Not easy to find that type of person
to take a thankless fast food job.
- [Adam] Now, at 5:00, an employee at a local Taco Bell
has been suspended for a picture he posted on Twitter.
- Please don't be a picture of someone peeing on nachos.
Please don't be a picture of someone peeing on nachos.
- That picture appears to be of an employee at a Taco Bell
urinating in a Nacho Bell Grande.
- No! (audience laughing)
(first pounding)
- Not a Nacho Bell Grande.
Unless, is that what makes them grande?
(audience laughing)
I don't speak Spanish.
All right, let me see.
No! (audience exclaiming)
Actually that's a fake
unless this person has learned to pee out of his knee.
(audience laughing)
And by the way, quick editorial note,
importing this story pains me deeply.
Not only because Taco Bell
is a major sponsor of this program,
but because Nacho Bell Grande are so delicious.
(audience laughing)
(Jon crying)
(audience laughing and applauding)
(audience laughing)
Here's a problem with social media,
it's easy to forget the whole world can see what you post.
Not to mention your identity.
- [Adam] The Fort Wayne Allen County Department of Health
confirmed that employee is Cameron Janowski.
I'm told he has since been suspended.
(audience laughing)
- Wow!
I gotta tell you, I didn't know who did this,
but that's the kid I would guess did this.
(audience laughing)
That picture is basically just him saying,
"Yeah, I peed in your nachos."
(audience laughing)
"Now, if you'll excuse me,
"I'm taking your daughter out for a night of bong hits
"and street racing and don't worry, pops,
"I brought condoms.
"Here, have some (beep) nachos."
(audience laughing)
By the way, the kid didn't actually pee in the nachos.
It was apparently Mountain Dew
and he was just pranking his friends,
leading to this new Comedy Central prank show, Jankin' It!
♪ Ja, ja, ja, Jankin' It ♪
(audience cheering)
Ironically, also sponsored by Taco Bell.
(audience laughing)
Life's short, except for you, you're immortal,
eats six times a day, live mas, whoo!
(upbeat music)
But before we go, any further,
crisis in the Heartland.
(upbeat music)
- Denied McDonald's customers a fair.
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
Did somebody scam McDonald's?
Yes, fast food Giant McDonald's,
seen here for the first time on "The Daily Show,"
without its windows being smashed by European protestors
(audience laughing)
has been victimized by fraud.
Eight people have been arrested
for allegedly defrauding McDonald's
out of more than $13 million in prizes
by rigging the popular "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"
and Monopoly Game promotions.
McDonald's was devastated by the news.
While a stunned spokesperson for Parker Brothers
had only this reaction.
(audience laughing and applauding)
He doesn't know.
At a press conference in Washington,
Attorney General John Ashcroft
gave reporters a sound McNugget.
- As you can see, this fraud scheme
denied McDonald's customers
a fair and equal chance of winning.
We want those involved in this type of corruption
to know that breaking the law is not a game.
(audience laughing)
- Ashcroft added, "Now Yahtzee,
(audience laughing)
"that's a game." (audience laughing)
Not a fun game, but it's a game.
Today an embarrassed McDonald's published an open letter
to its customers apologizing for the scandal.
It read in part, "We want you to have what belongs to you,
"that includes a chance to win and a chance to win big."
(audience laughing)
I was wondering where my chance to win big was.
I thought I put it right next to my jar of hope.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)