- My name is Rachel Slawson and I was the first
openly queer contestant to win a title at Miss USA
and this is that story.
This was my seventh pageant and my fifth time competing
at Miss Utah USA.
Winning this pageant represents years of training
but it also represents years of therapy
to be in a good headspace to be a good titleholder.
My parents got divorced when I was 15.
After my parents divorced I started struggling
with really bad self-esteem.
I think I internalized a lot of things
that they had said about each other
throughout that process as characteristics about myself.
When I first started competing I was 18 years old.
When I first saw Miss Utah USA Marissa Powell,
I just saw how radiant and confident she was.
That's what initially led me to want to try pageantry.
One of the biggest struggles that I faced
in terms of pageantry is comparison.
When you see a girl get crowned,
if she's smaller than you you think that
you need to be smaller.
If she's bigger than you in some areas
you think that you need to be bigger.
I've tried to end my life twice.
And the last time I tried to end my life
was when I was 19 years old and it was the night
I lost Miss Utah USA.
I competed in four other pageants since that night
and every time you don't win it can feel so hopeless.
After I tried to end my life I realized that
I was going to have to start really reaching out
for help and that starts with opening up
and sharing my experience with what I was going through.
People had diagnosed me with bipolar disorder before
and I always just was like, no, I don't have that.
'Cause that sounded really scary.
But when I realized that it was nothing to be afraid of
and if I really took ownership of that
it's totally possible to have a healthy
and somewhat normal life even though I think
normal's a little overrated.
I started to realize that winning's not necessarily
the goal because you can't always control that.
But what I can control is how I show up for myself.
And that's showing up as a winner every single day
at least to the best of my ability.
People have asked what the one thing I did differently
to win this year was and halfway through the pageant
I just had this moment where I realized
that this was going to be my last state pageant.
Because I feel like I had learned what I came there
to learn and that was how to love myself
and that it wasn't really about whether I was picked or not.
And I think in years past I just assumed
that the fact that I didn't get it
meant there was something wrong
and that I needed to change.
I realized that there was nothing I had to change
about who I am.
Whether I left with a crown or not
I was going to leave with a sense of self.
And that was the biggest prize of all.
But I do remember that the morning of finals
I woke up and I was talking to my coach and she said,
"Rachel, this is just as much yours as anyone else's.
"You have to go out there and show them that it's you."
I just decided that this is going to be my year
and I was going to show them that it was my time.
And it worked.
We have a tradition in pageantry,
the night before your fitness competition
they usually have pizza.
It doesn't make any sense why you would have pizza
when you've been training forever.
But I think in terms of mental health
it was actually really good for me
to realize that, you know, pizza is not gonna
change your body overnight.
But this year it was canceled, they didn't do it.
So I decided that I was gonna do it anyways.
And I invited girls back to my hotel room
and had a pizza party.
Normally, you know, after a pageant's over,
you're so hungry 'cause you've been training for so long
but I was pretty good.
The night of the pageant I was shaking so badly
that people could see from the audience.
I was so nervous, I maybe peed my pants
a little bit when I walked out in evening gown.
Once you're backstage you have a lot of support
from everyone but they're focused on so many girls
there's no one back there whose job is to be with you.
That was when I realized that I was going to have to
really just show up for myself as my own best friend
and really trust and listen to my own voice.
So between prelims and finals somebody offered me a Xanax
and said that that was the only way I was going to win,
that I was shaking so badly and that you can't
be crowned Miss Utah USA if you're shaking
and you look insecure.
For a moment, I was really worried
and thought maybe that is the only way I'm going to win.
But I really thought about it and I've worked so hard
to balance my brain chemistry
that it wasn't worth sacrificing that for one night.
I chose not to take it and instead I went
into a hallway to meditate.
I really wanted a moment to just be alone with myself
and to calm myself down and I've learned
that struggling with bipolar disorder,
it requires a lot of self-regulation with my emotions.
I found that meditation and alone time
can really help with that.
So we're asked to give a personal statement.
In my personal statement, that was when I shared
with the entire audience, both my personal experience
being homeless, my personal experience
with my mental health and being diagnosed
with bipolar disorder, and also coming out
as the first queer woman to ever openly compete at Miss USA.
I kind of been back and forth
on whether I wanted to come out in the first place
because one of my fears of coming out
was that I would be known as that bisexual girl
and I always joke that I get enough of that
with being that bipolar girl.
So it's like how many bi's can you be?
Especially being from Utah, I carried a lot of shame
around my sexuality and I realized that
if I can be open about this maybe it will make it
a little bit easier for somebody else.
You know it's really hard to know what other people think.
He can't read their minds and especially being on stage,
I'm sure that there was a wide range of reactions.
But most importantly, I knew how I felt
and that was I felt at peace with myself.
It didn't really matter what anybody else thought
in that moment and I think that that was what
really differentiated this pageant from other pageants.
Because I really felt like I showed up
as the best version of myself.
The emotion in the room was strong.
I'll never know what other people thought
but I do know what happens next.
I was crowned.
When they call your name and you've been told no
for seven pageants there was actually a moment
where I turned around and asked, "Wait, really,
"like this is actually happening?"
The feedback has been really positive.
I think that this is a huge landmark
for the pageant community and it's always exciting
when you see people that are taking
new steps forward in an industry.
You know, occasionally you read the comments
on a news article and it's not always the most positive.
But I also understand that that has nothing to do with me
and that's more a reflection of where
society is at with homophobia.
I focus on the positive because I know how much this win
means to other people, other than myself.
Now I'm using this platform to share my message
which is #IAmWhy and that means that I am my own why.
The only reason that I need to be here
is the fact that I am.
And the only reason that you need to be here
is the fact that you're here.
And I really hope that that encourages people
to be their own mental health advocate
and share their story and start breaking down stigma
starting with you.
It's a huge breath of fresh air
to just let yourself be you and follow your heart
and just being able to walk out into the world
exactly as I am and not having to hide anything
feels really good.
(beep)
You can be queer and win.
- [Man] Yay.
- Yay!
(upbeat music)