You may not know this, but Russia is just nine months
from a presidential election of its own.
-And I don't want to interfere. -(laughter)
But there is this one thing that I have to tell you about.
New this morning-- Russian state media is warning,
fidget spinners are a U.S. invention
that undermine the country's president.
State run news outlets report
the toys could be an American plot
to zombie-fy young Russians.
The New York Times
have suggested that Russian opposition parties
were trying to lure young supporters with fidget spinners.
(laughter)
Oh. Oh, sorry. What? What were we...?
Oh, yeah, yeah, fidget spinners.
Sorry. I-I got distracted.
Uh, Russia is banning fidget spinners.
Uh, and just like that,
there goes Russia's reputation as a fun country.
(laughter)
The reason... the reason Russia is banning fidget spinners is
because at an anti-Putin rally,
a bunch of people were giving out free fidget spinners, right?
So Putin was like,
(with Russian accent): "Fidget spinners means
-you're against me." -(laughter)
And then Putin's opponent just went with it.
He's like, "Uh, yeah, yeah.
Everyone with a fidget spinner supports me."
So now, according to Vladimir Putin,
everyone in the world with a fidget spinner opposes him.
Which is a great excuse for school kids
if you think about it.
Just like, "Hey, young man, put down that spinner!"
It's like, "Not until the Russian people are liberated
"from the tyrannical regime, Teach.
-Yeah." -(laughter)
This is genius. It's genius when you think about it, right?
Every other resistance movement should have done the same thing.
You just tie yourself to a popular fad
and make it look like it's bigger than it is.
Like, Nelson Mandela should have been out there giving a speech,
going, "Uh,
-They cannot catch us all." -(laughter)
"They can never."
(applause and cheering)
But it turns out, fidget spinners aren't the only thing
Russia is toying with.
WOMAN:
A White House official telling NBC News,
President Trump had a previously
undisclosed conversation
with Russian president Vladimir Putin
at this dinner held for world leaders
at the G20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany.
MAN:
across the table from Mr. Putin and first lady Melania Trump.
Later on, Mr. Trump reportedly left his seat
to go to speak with Mr. Putin for nearly an hour,
using Mr. Putin's translator.
You know, I'm-I'm starting to think
Donald Trump never wants us to stop talking about Russia.
Because then we'd start talking about the fact
that he doesn't know how to be president.
Like, the funny thing is, we can talk about both, Donald.
-We can talk about both. -(laughter)
I'm not... Like, I'm not even upset by this.
I just don't understand why he would do this.
If the perception of you is that you're colluding with Russia,
just don't have a private conversation
-with the president of Russia! -(laughter)
It's like, if there are rumors that you have sex with sheep,
even if they are false, just stay away from sheep.
-(laughter) -Just stay away from sheep for a while.
-(applause and cheering) -Stay away.
And I know. I know.
I know some people would be like, "That's not fair, man.
So now I can't go to the petting zoo anymore?"
-"I'm sorry, you can't. No, you can't." -(laughter)
"Well, so I got to give away my season tickets?"
"Yeah, you do, you do, and by the way,
"why do you have season tickets to the petting zoo?
"This is why questions are raised about you, man.
Just stay away."
You know what I've been thinking?
Maybe-maybe this is our fault.
Maybe we've been parenting Trump the wrong way.
'Cause clearly, if we tell him to stay away
from that bad boy, Vlad, we're gonna push him
right into his arms.
That's a real picture, by the way.
(laughter)
Like, maybe we should change our strategy.
Donald...
we know we can't stop you from seeing Vlad,
but, like, if you are gonna see him, at least do it at home,
or... or bring another American with you,
just... just so we know that you're safe.
You know, someone like Tillerson or-or McMaster
or Jeff Sessions-- he's the perfect size.
You can keep him in your wallet.
You know? Just... keep him there, pull him out.
And by the way, by the way,
that bad boy Putin, he knows the trouble he's causing.
Because just listen to how he trolled the U.S.
(translator speaking)
(laughter)
Yeah. Trump
That's exactly what we're worried about.
Remember the last time he spoke to the Russians?
He accidentally spilled Israeli state secrets.
That's what he does.
Like, right now the best we can hope for
is that Trump is so full of BS
that he's too unreliable to be spied on, you know?
Because we know he'll say anything
to make himself look cool.
You know, Putin will be like, "So, Donald,
how many nuclear submarines do you have now?"
And Trump will be like, "Let me tell you, Vlad,
we have literally millions of submarines."
"No, no. No, Donald, no.
No, Donald, no, that can't be right number."
"I've heard we might have a submarine
"under this very dinner party right now.
Unbelievable."
"I'm starting to miss Hillary.
Oh, my God,"