WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
OF THE I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
I'M IN A GOOD MOOD.
HAPPY FRIDAY AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYBODY.
THE PRESIDENT--
WOOO!
COMING TO THE END OF THE YEAR, AND WE HAVE EARNED IT.
THE PRESIDENT REPORTEDLY "WILL SPEND 16 DAYS AT MAR-A-LAGO
DURING THE HOLIDAYS."
THIS IS FUN.
COINCIDENTALLY, RICHARD NIXON WENT TO MAR-A-LAGO A MONTH
BEFORE HE RESIGNED THE PRESIDENCY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, HISTORY, OH, HISTORY, PLEASE REPEAT YOURSELF.
WE DID OUR PART BY NOT LEARNING FROM YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE A NEW CHIEF OF STAFF: BUDGET DIRECTOR AND CHEF FROM
THE PIZZA BOX, MICK MULVANEY.
MULVANEY'S PREDECESSOR, GENERAL JOHN KELLY, TRIED TO REIN IN
TRUMP, BUT ACCORDING TO POLITICO, MULVANEY DOESN'T PLAN
TO TRY.
"I AM HONORED TO BE THE NEW ZOOKEEPER.
AS MY FIRST OFFICIAL ACT, UNLOCK ALL THE CAGES!
LET'S GET THE LIONS HIGH AND RUB STEAK SAUCE ON THE PENGUINS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR SOME PENGUIN.
SOURCES CLOSE TO MULVANEY SAY HE INTENDS TO GIVE TRUMP MORE
LEEWAY TO ACT AS HE CHOOSES-- A RECOGNITION THAT TRYING TO
CONTROL TRUMP IS A FUTILE APPROACH.
SO, I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT WHAT WE'VE SEEN IN THE LAST YEAR
AND HALF IS TRUMP BEING CONTROLLED.
( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP)
THERE ARE NOT FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.
WHITE POWER!
I'M GOING TO TWEET OUT THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES!
I LOVE PUTIN!
I'LL COLLUDE WITH ANYTHING THAT MOVES!
LET THE PEE PEE RAIN!"
ONE OF THE KEY HEADACHES FOR KELLY WAS HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH
JARED AND IVANKA-- OR AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY THEIR CELEBRITY COUPLE
NAME, THE ACTUAL CHIEF OF STAFF.
( LAUGHTER )
TWO NEW YORKERS "PLAYING GOVERNMENT."
(AS IVANKA)
ALSO A FASHION MODEL AND SECRETARY OF STATE.
YOU GET TO COVER UP THE MURDER OF A SAUDI JOURNALIST.
GO!
ERIC, YOU CAN BE A TREE STUMP."
( LAUGHTER )
NOT GOING TO GET IN JARED AND IVANKA'S WAY.
A FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL SCOFFED AT THAT PLAN, SAYING,
"EVERYONE GETS ALONG WITH THE KIDS IN THE BEGINNING."
( LAUGHTER )
"WHY, YOU MUST BE THE NEW NANNY.
YOU LIKE THE CHILDREN?
OH, EVERYONE LIKES THE CHILDREN, UNTIL SUNDOWN.
( LAUGHTER )
( MANIACAL LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )
COMING UPON US, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE TRAVELING.
AND THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS FOR FOLKS WHO PLAN ON FLYING,
BECAUSE THE T.S.A. HAS SAID IT WILL DIAL BACK ITS CONTROVERSIAL
PASSENGER-MONITORING PROGRAM CALLED "QUIET SKIES"-- WHICH IS
ALSO WHAT I CALL IT WHEN I CRUSH TWO AMBIEN INTO THAT TINY
WHISKEY BOTTLE.
( LAUGHTER )
QUIET SKIES, BECAUSE THE GOAL OF THE PROGRAM WAS TO MONITOR
AMERICAN TRAVELERS WHO WERE NOT ON ANY TERROR WATCH LISTS OR
SUSPECTED OF TERRORISM OR CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR.
THAT'S ENTRAPMENT.
NO ONE IS AT THEIR BEST AT THE AIRPORT.
I ONCE SAW AN INFANT EAT A ENTIRE CINNABON.
I SAW A GUY CARRYING AN IGUANA IN A FANNY PACK.
I ONCE SAW A GUY PAY $4.50 FOR MINTS, AND THAT GUY WAS ME!
(LAUGHTER) WHY DIDN'T THE AIR MARSHALS
SHOOT ME?
THIS PROGRAM USED ARMED, UNDERCOVER AIR MARSHALS TO
MONITOR WHETHER TRAVELERS USED A PHONE, WENT TO THE BATHROOM,
CHATTED WITH OTHERS, OR CHANGED CLOTHES.
BUT AFTER COMPLAINTS, THE T.S.A.
HAS AGREED TO SCALE THE PROGRAM BACK... SORT OF.
MARSHALS WILL STILL MONITOR PEOPLE THEY CONSIDER PERSONS OF
INTEREST, BUT THEY ARE CHANGING THE THRESHOLD FOR REPORTING
THEIR OBSERVATIONS TO INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES.
SO, MARSHALS WILL STILL WATCH WHAT YOU DO, BUT WON'T
NECESSARILY REPORT IT, WHICH MEANS NOW THERE ARE JUST ARMED
MEN STATIONED AROUND THE AIRPORT WRITING DOWN WHEN YOU PEE.
( LAUGHTER )
SOMEBODY?" NO.
NA, THIS IS JUST FOR ME."