- If people don't respect your boundaries,
it doesn't matter.
You respect your boundaries.
You respect your boundaries of what you're going to do.
If everyone's going to stay up till two in the morning
and you want to go to bed at 11, go.
If everyone goes to bed really early
and you want to stay up and watch a movie, do that.
And, remember, you can always retreat somewhere else,
even for half an hour, go to your bedroom,
take a bath, go for a walk.
Hey, this is Marisa dropping in to give you some hints on
how to deal with the holiday season.
We have so much excitement, so much build-up,
and I think sometimes the expectations are so big,
and it doesn't quite work like that.
You're with people you haven't seen for a long time,
and families are very interesting,
they still see you the way they saw you 20 years ago.
"Oh, you're the one that's always late,
"you're the one that's no good at math,
"you're the one that never spends money on gifts,"
and because our family have an image of who we are,
they often don't see that, actually,
we're not that person at all.
One of the best things you can do
to really enjoy the holiday season is this:
Keep thinking, "Hey, what is the outcome I want to get
"from going to spend the holiday with my extended family?
"I'm going to spend it with my parents, my grandparents,
"my aunties, or my cousins."
Before you book your flight
or drive hundreds of miles down the motorway,
really think about, what it the outcome you want?
And if the outcome is, "You know what?
"This could be my grandmother's last Christmas,
"it could be my mother's last Christmas,
"it's going to be the last time I'm with all these people
"because one of them's emigrating,
"or I'm emigrating or moving."
If you focus on the outcome,
that you want to have a lovely, memorable day,
it actually gets easier to say,
"Oh, you know, my aunt is so annoying,
"she has the TV on so loud, my uncle always eats so fast,
"I can't stand the noise of my grandmother sucking,"
whatever it is that bothers you,
when you focus on,
"I've come here to have a wonderful time,"
especially if you're going to your spouse's family,
they're not yours,
and it's like, "Oh,
"I don't really like his family like mine,"
if you keep putting back to, "What is the outcome I want?
"I've spent ages buying gifts, wrapping gifts,
"maybe making food.
"And I want everyone to have a lovely day.
"I didn't want to go into a food coma because I eat so much
"I just lie on the sofa and fall asleep.
"I don't want to eat all that candy and beat myself up."
So focus on the outcome.
"How much do I want to eat?
"How do I want to come across?
"I've decided to be super tolerant
"and let everything go over my head
"because I want to give my family a wonderful time."
Or maybe this is for your children,
"I want my children to have a great time."
My daughter said to me once, "Mommy,
"we drive such a long way to see grandmother,
"and then you and her always argue."
And I was so pleased she told me that
because I remember thinking, "Yeah,
"I drive all that way to give my daughter
"a lovely experience with my mother,
"and so I'm not going to argue with her.
"I'm not going to come back with a little snippy comment.
"I'm going to focus on,
"I want to build these memories for my daughter."
And I'm so glad I did.
So you can always learn from,
"Hey, what happened last year?
"What went wrong?
"What went right?"
How can you stop people seeing the way you were
when you were eight or nine?
Your brother still sees you as some silly little kid.
How do you stop getting drawn in?
How do you have people respect your boundaries?
My husband stopped drinking,
and one year someone said,
"Oh my God, that's so boring.
"How can you possibly enjoy life without drink?"
And then he started pouring out wine, going, "Oh,
"this is so delicious.
"You don't know what you're missing."
And my husband, actually, luckily thought it was very funny
that this person, rather than saying, "Well done,
"I'm so proud of you,"
he said, "Oh, you must be crazy.
"How can you enjoy Christmas without wine and champagne?
"How can you enjoy Christmas without loads of candy?"
If people don't respect your boundaries, it doesn't matter.
You respect your boundaries.
You respect your boundaries of what you're going to do.
If everyone's going to stay up till two in the morning
and you want to go to bed at 11, go.
If everyone goes to bed really early
and you want to stay up and watch a movie, do that.
And, remember, you can always retreat somewhere else,
even for half an hour,
go to your bedroom,
take a bath,
go for a walk.
You can always get away for just a little while
and regroup and pull your mind back
to the outcome of being here.
"If I remember the outcome, why I've come,
"and what I want from being here,
"I will respect my own boundaries."
When someone says, "Oh, go on,
"a few sausages won't hurt.
"You don't have to be a vegetarian today,"
just say, "Thank you.
"They do look lovely, but, actually, no,
"that's not for me."
And when people pull you into questions you don't like,
and if someone buys you a gift and you don't like it,
or you think, "Gosh, that's a little bit offensive,"
or, "They haven't spent any money on me,"
keep pulling back to, "None of this really matters."
We all have so much stuff,
so much stuff we don't want.
You can re-gift that to someone else,
take it to a charity shop,
and just go on having a wonderful time.
I remember one Christmas,
somebody gave me something and they said, "You know,
"you can change that if you don't like it."
And later, I said, "Actually, you know,
"I would like to because I've already got it."
And they were so upset.
They went, "Oh, well, no, I didn't really mean that."
I went, "Oh, I'm sorry."
And I realized when someone says, "You can change that,
"I have the receipt,"
you should never go, "Oh, okay.
"I'd love the receipt
"because, actually, I already have that very item."
Just say, "Thank you so much.
"Thank you so much."
Because it's always the thought that counts.
Whatever somebody bought you,
they thought about you.
If you think, "Well, they didn't think about me very much,
"I hate that thing,"
it's the thought that counts.
The holidays are about being with people
and having an amazing time.
It's a celebration.
It's a festivity.
It's a ritual.
It's not really about gifts.
It's about being with,
is not even about the food,
it's about being with people
and celebrating being part of a family.
And, remember, your problem,
your difficult aunt,
super critical uncle,
annoying kid brother,
is someone else's fantasy dream come true.
Imagine waking up...
One of my clients said,
"I woke up, and I had not a single person
"to wish Happy Christmas to.
"Not one person.
"No one to share gifts with,
"exchange gifts with,
"have a lovely dinner with.
"I was all on my own."
And another of my clients
said, "I actually took a sleeping pill on Christmas Eve.
"I took two, and I didn't wake up
"until the day after Christmas.
"And that was one of my better Christmases."
So, remember, there's somebody somewhere
who would swap places with you in a heartbeat,
who would love to have a difficult family,
who would love to be overwhelmed with cooking
and all of these people staying in the house.
It would be their idea of heaven.
It's just a day.
Only a day.
It goes really quickly.
And if halfway through, you think, "Oh,
"this isn't what I imagined,"
think, "It's a day."
You can cope with anything
if it isn't permanent,
isn't personal,
isn't going on a long time.
If it's your worst Christmas Day,
go for a walk,
put on headphones,
pretend you're engrossed in something,
meditate, do anything.
And the other thing that makes Christmas truly amazing is
seeing people who don't have anyone.
Make a point of going to visit a neighbor
and taking them a plate of food
or some candy or something.
Because when you see people who have no family,
you think, "Wow, really I have no problems."
So wherever you are in the world, find someone
who doesn't have anyone
and make a point of dropping in,
even for 20 minutes, or taking them something.
Because when you give instead of receive,
you really realize how lucky we are
just to have a family that want to spend Christmas with us.
So have a wonderful holiday.
And it's going to be amazing
if you focus on the outcome.
See you soon.