[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]
>> ALL RIGHT, YES.
HAPPY THURSDAY, AMERICA.
TONIGHT’S MONOLOGUE, CRIME AND
PUNISHMENT.
I JUST CAME UP WITH THAT TITLE.
IT WOULD BE A GOOD ONE FOR A
BOOK, HUH?
FIRST, LET’S ADDRESS FBI AGENT
STEVE FRIEND WHO WAS SUSPEND
AFTER HE MADE ALLEGATIONS IN A
WHISTLEBLOWER COMPLAINT.
HE WAS STRIP OF HIS GUN AND
BADGE, AND REMOVED FROM THE
DAYTONA BEACH FBI FIELD OFFICE.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN, GETTING
STRIPPED AT THE DAYTONA BEACH
FEEL OFFICE.
I GUESS AS FAR AS THE FBI IS
CONCERNED HE’S BEEN UNFRIENDED.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE WITH HIS
NAME?
BECAUSE HIS NAME’S FRIEND.
I THINK THAT’S A COURTESY LAUGH
ON YOR PART, BAT I’LL LET IT GO.
NOW, YOU CAN KEEP DOING IT,
AREN’T YOU?
DON’T YOU REMEMBER THE
WHISTLEBLOWER PROTECTION ACT?
THAT WAS SUCH A BIG DEAL WHEN
ALL THE ANONYMOUS SNEAKERS WERE
COMING AFTER TRUMP.
NOW IT GETS IGNORED LIKE TINDER
DATING PROFILE.
VERY LEAN GUY.
LAUGHING THROUGH THE TEARS. N.
FRIEND WAS DECLARED ABSENT
WITHOUT LEAVE BECAUSE HE
WOULDN’T TAKE PART IN A SWAT
RAID THAT HEY CONSIDERED
EXCESSIVE FORCE AGENTS THE
JANUARY 6 FOLKS ACCUSED OF
MISDEMEANS.
IN A WAY IT’S LIKE BEING
PUNISHED FOR REFUSING TO TAKE
PART IN A HOME INVASION.
BUT BECAUSE FRIEND MISSED OFF
THE WRONG PEOPLE HE WAS GONE
FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY RELIABLE
SOURCES WITH BRYN.
>> NEVER OVER IT’S NEVER OVER.
I’M NEVER LETTING IT GO.
I’M NEVER LETTING HIM GO. J
GOING TO HUG HIS LITTLE ROUND
BODY UNTIL THEY BUHRY ME IN THE
SAME COFFIN, WHICH WILL BE A
PIANO CASE.
REMEMBER TO GUY? LENZ COMPLETE
UNDERSCORE -- COMPLAINT
UNDERSCORED WHAT WE’VE BEEN
SAYING A FEW YEARS, DOJ, AOC AND
EVERY OTHER GOVEMMAL OUTFIT OF
THREE LEERS DESERVING FOUR
LETTERS. THE DEMAND FOR VIOLENT
WHITE TERRORISTS SOME HOW
EXCEEDS THE SUPPLY SO THEY HAVE
TO MAKE THEM P.
IT’S LEAK A SCALED UP VERSION OF
JESSE SMOLLET’S HOAX, BUT THIS
IS WAY EASIER.
YOU DON’TEN NEED THE VICTIMS, YO
JUST NEED THE THREAT AND THE FIB
WILL FILL IN THE BLANKS.
NOW MAYBE SOME OF THESE THREATS
EXIST, BATLETSER NOT LIKE THEY
EVER FIND THEM. THEY’RE LIKE
WOMEN IN A BRIAN KILLMEAD
MAKEOUT STORY.
SAD, ISN’T IT?
I WISH HE WOULD JUG STOP.
IT’S EMBARE ESING FOR EVERYBODY
INVOLVED.
JUST LIKE PEOPLE WHO PAY THEIR
STUDENT LOANS, THIS AGENT, A
RESPECTED 12-YEAR VET ON THE FBI
AND THE SWAT TEAM MEMBER WAS
PUNISHED FOR DOING THE RIGHT
THING.
NOW, IF THE OTHER SIDE DOES THE
WRONG THING, THEN ES.
ANOTHER STORY.
IN NORTH DAKOTA, WHICH IS A
STATE CAT, A KAT, A FIEND ADMITS
TO RUNNING DOWN A TEEN AGER OVER
A POLITICAL DISPUTE AND HE’S
KERN LAYOUT OF JAIL.
HE MURDERED THE KID AND HE’S OUT
F JAIL.
APLENTY HE’S NOT A FLIGHT RISK,
WHICH I GUESS IS DEFINED AS HE
WON’T RUN OVER PEOPLE WITH A
PLANE.
ACCORDING TO AUTHORITIES THE
ALLEGED KILLER USED HIS TRUCK TO
MOW DOWN KEY ALL ELINGSTON WHO
THE FIEND CLAIMS WAS PART OF AN
UNNAMED REPUBLICAN EXTREMIST
GROUP.
I TRIED TO SEARCH FOR THIS STORY
YESTERDAY AND THERE WAS LESS
COVERAGE THAN MICHAEL MOORE IN A
BELL A SHIRT.
THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE.
YEAH.
LET’S FLIP THE SCRIPT; IMAGINE
DONALD TRUMP MAKING THE SAME
SPEECH JOE BIDEN DID THAT
BONKERS ONE EN FRONT OF SATAN’S
GROTTO.
AND THEN A LEFT WING TEENAGER IS
MURDERED BY A THERE.ER.
THE WORD INSIGHTMENT WOULD BE
SHOUTED FASTER THAN YOU COULD
SAY CHARLOTTE’SVILLE.
NO ONE’S SCREAMING YOU GOT THE
BLOOD ON YOUR HAND,
MR. PRESIDENT, OR THE SAME THING
TO HIS LIKE-MINDED PALS IN THE
MEDIA, BECAUSE IT’S THE MEDIA
WHO USUALLIES DETHAT SORT OF
SCREAMING.
LET’S GO TO JOE BIDEN FOR
COMMENT.
[PIANO MUSIC]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
>> FOR PRESIDENT, THANK YOU.
RANTER THE END OF SUCH A --
AT THE END OF SUCH A MOMENTOUS
EVENT, THE WORD THANK YOU SEEMS
KIND OF INADEQUATE, BUT FOR ALL
THE MILLIONS WHOSE LIVES WILL BE
SAVED, FOR THE COMMUNITIES WHOSE
LIKES WILL BE TRANSFORMED, THANK
YOU, PRESIDENT BIDEN.
[EN CLIP]
[APPLAUSE]
>> YEAH.
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN HE’S
WANDERING AND ASKING ANYBODY
SEEN MY IMAGINARY PUPPY?
THAT’S WHO HE BLAMES THE POOP
ON.
OF COURSE IT DOESN’T MATTER TO
THE MEDIA BECAUSE THE DEAD KID
MIGHT BE CONSERVATIVE.
HE’S ONE OF THE DOMESTIC THREAT
SAYS PERHAPS HE HAD IT COMING.
THAT’S HOW ITWORKS TODAY.
YOU IMAGINE ANYBODY ON THE AIR
ON FONGIC NORRING THE GIRL THAT
WAS KILLED IN CHARLOTTE’SVILLE,
OR IGNORING THAT STORY
COMPLETELY?
MAYBE MSNBC WILL DO THIS STORY
ONLY AFTER THEY DISCOVER THAT
THE MURDER IS WHITE.
THIS IS WHY THESE MANIACS AND
NEW YORK ATTACK PEOPLE WITH AXES
AND MU SHEET CITIES, SLASHISH
WOMEN IN SUBWAYS, CLOBBERING THE
ELDERLY FOR THEIR WHEELCHAIRS.
THE NEW YORK AG IS GOING AFTER
THE BIGGEST DOMESTIC TERRORIST
OF THEM ALL, DONALD TRUMP.
ISON SEEN SOMEONE BECAUSE THEIR
OFFICE LIKE THAT SINCE MATT MATT
LAUER. IF YOU’RE WATCHING, MATT, I KNOW
IF YOU’RE WATCHING, MATT, I KNOW YOU DIDN’T EXPECT THAT JOKE.
DURING THE UGLIEST DEADLIEST
CRIME WAVE IN RECENT HISTORY,
JAMES IS PROSECUTING THE TRUMP
FAMILY FOR ALLEGEDLY OVER
APPRAISING THEIR PROPERTY TO GET
BETTER LOANS FROM BANKS.
YEAH, HE MIGHT HAVE TAKEN SOME
OF THE LARGEST BANKS TO THE
CLEANERS.
HE SHOULDN’T BE PROSECUTED, HE
SHOULD BE ROUGHING THE
PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM.
AS EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN
APPRAISE YOUR PROPERTY, IT
DOESN’T MATTER, THE BANKS DO
THEIR OWN APPRAISAL.
ONE IS DELIBERATELY HIGH AND THE
OTHER IS LOW.
MORE IMPORTANT, THAT THIS IS THE
AG’S CONCERN, PATTING POLITICS
OVER PEOPLES MISERY.
WOMEN GETTING RAPED BUT JAMES IS
LOOKING OUT FOR DEUTCH BANK.
LINE AREN’T WE LIBERALS?
CAN’T WE SEE HOW MUCH EASIER OUR
LIVES WOULD BE IF WE JUST FAKED
IT A AS A LIB AND PRETENDED TO
BE COMPASSIONATE WHILE SCREWING
OVER PEOPLE LEFT AND RIGHT?
NOWHERE ELSE IS THERE MORE
FAKING GOING ON OTHER THAN
JAMIE’S HEYNE HONEY MOON.
BUT OUR LIVES WOULD BE SO MUCH
BETTER.
WE WOULDN’T BE TARGETED.
WE WOULDN’T LOSE OUR JOBS.
CAREER COULD EVEN KILL PEOPLE
WHO UPSET US.
I WOULD SAY IF YOU CAN’T BEAT
THEM, JOIN THEM.
BUT I’D RATHER LIVE IN A WORLD
WHERE YOU CAN JUST BEAT THEM,
AND MEAN THEN VOTING BOOTH.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU COULD PULL
THAT CURTAIN SHUT AND MUFFLE THE
SCREAMS.
>> LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S
GUESTS, HIS PRONOUNS ARE HAS AND
BEEN.
ACTOR WRITER AND COMEDIAN JAMIE
LISSAU. SHEATHINGS POSSUM IS BRAIN FOOD.
SHEATHINGS POSSUM IS BRAIN FOOD.
FOX BUSINESS ANCHOR, MCDOWELL.
HER SMILE MAKE MIS TEAR UP AND
SMILE IS THE NAME OF HER PEPPER
SPRAY, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR, KAT
TI HORN OF PLENTY F.
AND HE ONCE LIT A CIGAR OFF A
VOLCANO, MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK,
TYRUS.
WELCOME BACK.
BEING SO ALONE MOST OF THE TIME,
I ASSUME YOU’VE COME UP WITH A
NUMBER OF JOKES.
HOW MANY JOKES YOU IS FOR THIS
PARTICULAR SEGMENT?
>> I WOULD SAY, UM, MAYBE THREE
TO FIVE.
>> OKAY, THREE TO 5 IT IS.
>> YEAH.
>> SO WHAT HAVE YOU, WHAT DO YOU
MAKE OF THIS MONOLOGUE?
WHAT ARE 84 THOUGHT?
>> THERE’S SOME STUFF THAT MAKES
MAE ANGRY IN THE MONOLOGUE.
THERE’S KID THAT DIED.
WHAT YOU’LL KNOW WHAT MAKES ME
THE ANGRIEST, IT’S A TRAGEDY,
BUT THE FACT THAT HE LEFT THIS
DUDE.
>> YES.
>> YOU BE, LIKE MAYBE HE COULD
HAVE SAVED, MAYBE HE DID
SOMETHING IN A MOMENT OF ANGER
BUT THEN THEE HE STILL LEFT AND
FLED THE SCENE.
I FEEL LEAK WE CAN A EW ABOUT
POLITICS OR WHATEVER, BUT AT
SOME POINT WHEN THERE’S HUMAN
LIFE ON THE -- YOU KNOW IF.
HONEST TO GOD, I FEEL LIKE EVE
FUN BRIAN WAS FALLING INTO A
CANYON I WOULD REACH OUT AND
WE’D BOTH DIE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> THAT WAS WORTH IT.
>> THAT WAS A GOOD LONG ONE.
>> WHERE IS HE GOING WITH IT.
>> WHERE IS HE GOING.
>> I DIDN’T KNOW EITHER. BRUNT
THEN THE GUY SORT OF CLAIMING
SELF-DEFENSE, WHICH THE ONLY WAY
THAT’S POSSIBLE IS IF IN THE
RARE INSTANCE THAT THIS KID IS A
TRANSFORMER.
>> THAT TRUE.
>> THE GUY WAS IN A CAR.
>> YEAH. HE WAS IN A CAR. IT’S
NOT FAIR.
AND THEN I PROPS TO FRIENDEM.
>> YEAH?
>> MR. FRIEND, HE’S AWESOME.
A LOT OF TIMES US SORE HARD TO
SPEAK WHAT YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT
LOSE YOR JOB OR YOU WILL LOSE
YOUR JOB.
PROPS TO THAT GUY TELLING THE
TRUTH AND WHERE WAS READING THE
STORY THEY WERE LIKE YOU KNOW
THEY TOOK HIS BADGE AND GUN.
AND THEN THEY FIRED HIM.
I WAS LIKE THAT’S THE RIGHT
ORDER TO DO THAT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
THEY LEARNED FROM THEIR MISTAKES.
ISN’T IT ALSO LIKE A ONE MORE --
I ALSO THINK IT’S YOU KNOW YOU
HAVE A COOL JOB WHEN SOMEBODY,
LEAGUE, TAKES YOUR BADGE AND
GUN.
>> I KNOW.
>> THAT A COOL -- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEANWORK I HAD A JOCK,
THEY’RE LIKE LEAVE YOUR APRON
AND YOUR PLUNGER AND GET THE
[BLEEP] OUT OF HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> WELL DONE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> EXCELLENT WORK.
[APPLAUSE]
>> WHO CAN DO A BEYOND LIKE
STAND-UP MAIN SET EN THE MIDDLE
OF A SERIOUS TOPIC?
>> BEING ALONE REALLY INCREASING
YOUR PRODUCTIVITY.
>> ALONE AND REJECTED BY THE
PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
DON’T FORGET THAT PART.
>> TRAEGEREN, AS A NEW YORKER,
DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE THAT
THE AG’S SOUL FOCUS IS TRUMP?
>> OF COURSE.
YOU STARTED WITH CRIME AND
PUNISHMENT HERE, IT’S CRIME AND
EH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO.
>> EXACTLY.
>> I DID THINK THIS SEGMENT WAS,
BECAUSE A LITTLE TAGLINE WAS WHO
DESERVES PUNISHMENT SO I
ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO
HAVE A MOMENT FOR AN AIRING OF
MY GRUDGES BECAUSE I’VE BEEN
KEEPING THEM FOR ABOUT 50 YEARS
NOW.
>> YES.
>> YOU KNOW?
NUMBER TWO THOUSAND LIST A
BOYFRIEND WHO PICKED UP ANOTHER
WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME AT A BAR.
HE’S DEAD NOW.
BUT I DIDN’T KILL HIM.
>> SOMEONE DID.
>> I’M GOING TO MAKE, I DECIDED
I WAS GOING TO MAKE UP, I’M WITH
HER T-SHIRTS LIKE PSGA ZI, SO I
KEEP THE PO PO & PROSECUTORS AND
THE FEDS IN MY CORNER.
>> THERE YOU GOEM. THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
ALWAYS THINKING AHEAD.
>> YOU LOOK AT ALL THESE
GOVERNMENT AGENCIES DO WE AID
JUST NEED TO TEAR THEM DOWN AND
REBUILD THEM? SHINE NEED 92
TEAR THEM DOWN AND SEE IF WE CAN
REBILL THEM.
I DON’T THINK THEY DO VERY MUCH.
IT IS CRAZY.
THIS STORY FROM THE CAR
MURDERER, EVERYONE’S SAYING IT’S
CRAZY THAT HE’S OUT WHICH IS
TRUE.
BUT ALSO IN HIS COURT HEARING HE
IS ARGUING THEY SHOULDN’T EVEN
HAVE BAIL.
ONE OF THE REASONS HE HE’S LIKE
I HAVE A JOB.
>> YES.
>> I WAS LIKE I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
THAT, BUDDY.
YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALK INTO
WORK?
YOUR BOSS ISN’T WONDERING
WHETHER YOU ARE, HE KNOWS.
>> YEAH.
I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THIS
TIME.
>> I’M USUALLY REALLY COOL ABOUT
STUFF.
WHATEVER YO WANT TO DO.
YOU OWN TIME IS FINAL AS LONG AS
IT DOESN’T AFFECT YOR WORK.
MURDERING IS AN EXCEPTION.
>> YES, YES. BRUNT THIS WEIRDIC
THEY’VE LOWERED THE STANDARD NOW
SO IT’S JUST HE’S NOT, YOU’RE
NOT A FLIGHT RISK., RIGHT?
THAT WHAT THEY’RE SAYING, TYRUS.
SO THAT’S --
>> HOW IS SOMEBODY NOT IN A
FLIGHT RISK WHO APPARENTLY WILL
HIT ANYTHING HINZ WAY WHEN HE’S
DRIVING.
>> YEAH.
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY
DANGEROUS GUY BEHIND WHEEL.
AND I KEEP HERRING THE ARGUMENT
OVER THE CONVERSATION, HE’S A
MURDERER, HE MURDERED A KID IN
COLD BLOOD.
WHATEVER HIS REASON WAS, WHO
CARES?
>> YEAH.
>> IF I WASN’T SITTING IN FRONT
OF MY TRUCK LITTLE GUTFELD STOOD
INFLUENT OF THERE AND CALLED ME
THE N-WORD AND RAN HIS MOUTH AND
SAID THIS AND THAT AND I RAN HIM
OVER WITH MY TRUCK, I’M STILL A
MURDERER, REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU
SAID MIGHT HAVE HERTZ MY
FEELINGS.
I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THE
ARGUMENT.
I DON’T CARE WHAT HE THOUGHTEM.
>> I HOW YOU SAID LITTLE GREG.
>> I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO BE
CONFUSED WITH THE TALLER GREG.
BUT IT’S WEIRD BECAUSE WHETHER
WE HAVE VICTIMS, THEY DON’T GET
JUSTICE, THEY DON’T EVEN GET
PUBLIC SUPPORT.
BUT WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE VICTIMS,
LIKE THE TRUMP CASE, WHICH IS
KIND OF A PROBLEM.
>> RIGHT.
>> THEY’RE SUING HIM, AND
THEY’RE GOING AFTER HIM, BUT
THEY’RE MISSING VICTIM.
>> RIGHT.
>> IT’S LIKE I’M JAMIE YOU’RE
GOING TO JAIL FOR MURDER.
THAT’S IT.
>> THAT IT.
>> THAT’S TRUE.
>> EVERYONE’S LIKE WHAT IS HE
SAYING, WHAT IS SHE SAYING?
THERE’S NO VICTIMS.
THERE’S NOT A --
>> IT’S --
>> THERE’S NO VICTIM.
>> YOU APPRAISE THINGS HIGH TO A
BANK, AND THE BANK DOESN’T HAVE
TO TAKE IT.
THE BANKS DETHEIR OWN, THEY HAVE
THEIR OWN APPRAISE APPRAISERS,
THIS IS JUST LAKE THE BIDEN
SPEECH, YOU’RE CREATING AN IDEA
THAT A CRIME WAS COMMITTED
WITHOUT HAVING A VICTIM.
SO NOW IT’S JUST THIS THING LIKE
HE’S GOING TO JAIL, HE’S GOING
TO JAIL, THERE’S ALL THESE
TERRORISTS, WU THERE’S NO
VICTIMS.
>> YOU ALWAYS HEAR THAT, A
VICTIMLESS CRIME, THIS CRIME HAD
NO VICTIM.
WHOEVER DOES YOUR NEGOTIATION,
MAY I HAVE THEIR NUMBER, PLEASE?
BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO GET A
GREAT RATE FROM A BANK THIRTY
ONE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT.
BEFORE WE GO, I’LL BEAT FAXWOODS
CASINO IN CONNECTICUT ON OCTOBER
1, WITH SPECIAL GUEST LE SUE.
[LAUGHTER]
SUGARLAND TEXAS IN NOVEMBER WITH