(dramatic music)
- Hello, I'm a newsperson and here's some news.
It's being reported that Mark Zuckerberg's company,
Facebook, sold $100,000 of political ads
during the 2016 US presidential campaign
to fake Russian accounts.
And after flipping a coin to decide if this should be
about Russia's influence on our election
or about Zuckerberg being the worst,
we're proud to introduce our new segment
called Zuckerberg 2020, but sarcastically.
Great job, Mark.
You're really bringing the country together
with your bubble-enforcing data-mining
ad-centric social network that didn't fix its fake news
problem because it was worried about losing profit.
Zuck 2020, I mean it.
Here's some news, the president got a do-over
for his Hurricane Harvey relief photo-op
in Texas when, sorry, breaking news,
Hurricane Irma has formed and is, sorry, breaking news
Hurricane Jose has, sorry, breaking news,
Hurricane Katia has.
Can we just put a pin in this onslaught of record-breaking
hurricanes for, just, a (beep), second.
So President Trump got to visit Texas again,
and as conservative talk fellow
Charlie Kirk pointed out, here are the photos
the Mainstream Media won't show you.
Photos he found on these Main Stream Media outlets.
But to be fair, there is a lot of focus on embarrassing
or dumb or cruel or bat (beep) things that Trump does
instead of on the good things he's done, like,
you know, the thing.
Do we have a clip?
- No.
- Worth a shot, so let's check out some of these pics
the lamestream greedia won't show us.
Here's one of him holding an object near a truck.
If only there was video of it oh good there is.
There he goes.
Loading the item in the back of the pickup, nope,
handing it to the driver, okay.
Telling the driver to have a good time, cool, that's normal.
Handed another item by someone who could just put it
in the truck but there he goes, into the back, nice, yeah.
Another box into the back, yeah.
One more from that person,
to that person, to the president, into the back.
All right, look around a little bit for a thing to put in.
Up, there you go buddy, one more.
There's a lot more room, but nope,
he just says, you're all set.
And let's wrap it up with a.
- That's good exercise.
- And just a reminder to call the number on your screen
to order our five-tape set of Presidential Exercise videos,
like Get Handed Four Items By Four Different People
Near A Truck, or Footage Not Found.
Some News, brought to you by Exercise.
Exercise, something that the president literally
thinks depletes a human's finite amount of energy,
which humans do not have.
But that was unfair, pointless mockery
of our very dumb president.
It's funny that he signed a wall in a gym,
but it doesn't matter.
Who cares, the important stuff that the lamestream greedia
won't tell you is that the president is going
to donate one million dollars to these charities.
Pretty cool, considering he has a well-documented history
of saying he'll donate to charities but doesn't.
Like that one time he went to a charity event,
didn't donate anything, snuck up onto the dais,
sat down, got his picture taken, and then left.
That happened.
He also has a history of implementing policy he contradicts.
Like cutting the interior and education budgets
by billions but donating thousands to them,
or claiming climate change is a hoax
while trying to build a sea wall at his golf resort
because of climate change, or cutting FEMA's budget
and then donating to help disaster relief,
and so here's a brief segment called,
You Know You're The President, right?
Hey, buddy.
You're the president.
You can fix some of these problems by doing,
like, president stuff.
Anyway.
Later the president went to North Dakota
during three hurricanes and gave a speech
about climate, nope, tax reform.
Also oil, coal, fossil fuels in general, and pulling out
of the job-killing Paris Climate Accord,
which is about climate change,
which the president thinks is a hoax
created by the Chinese, which if true seems
to be going really well for them.
Maybe if we called Climate Change Freedom Weather
he'd take it seriously.
Let's see, how else does the president suck.
- Me cares!
We cares?
Anyway, here's some news, since very serious man John Kelly
became White House Chief of Staff,
the president has become upset that his daily news
has fewer Breitbart articles, perhaps
because it reinforces his racist views,
but that's unfair, let's take a look at a Breitbart article.
Here's one about all of the crimes committed
by people staying here under DACA,
citing 2,139 people being arrested for a crime.
To illustrate these tax-paying DREAMers,
Breitbart originally used a photo of notorious gang MS-13.
Because DREAMers are gangs.
The photo was later changed and the really good
Breitbart article failed to mention that 2,139 people
arrested for crimes out of 800,000 DREAMers
is about one out of 374, and in America,
one in three citizens have been arrested by the age of 23.
This concludes our segment,
Get The Smart President More Honest
Breitbart Articles To Fuel Is Good Opinions.
What a clown person.
Hey, speaking of (beep) clown people,
according to the clown president
of the World Clown Association, the new evil clown film
It is hurting the clown industry.
According to one clown, it all started
with the original It, and Pennywise is not a clown
and has nothing to do with pro clowning.
Not to be confused with Extreme Pro Clowning
or Mixed Martial Arts Clowning.
Anyway, this clowndemnation has been going on for some time.
First with American Horror Story,
and later when real life creepy clowns assaulted people
last year, prompting one clown to throw
a Clown Lives Matter march like
that's not totally messed up.
Here's the thing, clowns.
I did some clown Googling, and it seems
that your World Clown Association admitted
in 2014 that the clown industry has been
on a decline since the early 2000s.
And according to the clown secretary of the prestigious
clown institute Clowns International,
modern birthday clowning is being replaced by princesses,
pirates, and superheroes.
In other words, the clown industry is hurting regardless
of the creepy clown stereotype,
a cultural idea that has existed since Ancient Rome.
It didn't start with a book in the 80s.
Clowns are historically sinister.
The most famous real life clown is famous for killing
at least 33 people.
Clowns are the coal industry of birthday parties.
Their industries have been caustic from day one.
But instead of admitting that, they point gloved fingers
at critics while refusing to recognize modern
improvements like superheroes or solar power
or natural gas or pirates.
The longer they ignore the real problem,
the harder the industry will crash into oblivion.
Get over it, clowns.
It's time to move on, look.
Anyone can clown.
It's (beep) easy.
Now it's time for you paleface monsters to put on
a Batman cowl and do some pushups.
Or, if it's easier, believe in climate change
and then carry a few items handed
to you by four people near a truck.
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Whoa, whoa.
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