♪♪♪ >> Announcer: IT'S
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP, GOOD EVENING, HI.
HI, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME.
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST. OKAY, I HAVE A SERIOUS QUESTION,
GUYS. WHO STILL WORKS IN OUR
GOVERNMENT? LIKE, WHO STILL HAS AN ACTUAL
GOVERNMENT JOB? AT THIS POINT, THE WHITE HOUSE
IS LIKE THAT DEAD MALL IN YOUR HOMETOWN, WHERE IT'S JUST LIKE A
SUNGLASSES KIOSK AND A COUPLE RACCOONS FIGHTING IN A
JC PENNEY. >>> HOPE HICKS PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
COMMUNICATIONS ADVISER SAID WEDNESDAY SHE PLANNED TO RESIGN
TO PURSUE OTHER OPPORTUNITIES. YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD, WHEN A
29-YEAR-OLD WITH NO EXPERIENCE, WHO WORKS DIRECTLY FOR THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THINKS, I GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS
DEADEND JOB. SHE'S RESIGNING TO PURSUE OTHER
OPPORTUNITIES, THE SAME WAY PEOPLE ON THE TIE TARNIC DECIDED
THEY WANTED TO SEE OTHER BOATS. >>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT
JARED KUSHNER, WHO BY THE WAY IS THE ONLY GUY WHO MAKES ME LOOK
ETHNIC -- WAS ALSO STRIPPED OF HIS TOP
SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE THIS WEEK.
AND AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, THOUGH, HE DIDN'T YET KNOW WHY,
STEVE BANNON GOT HIS FIRST ERECTION IN 10 YEARS.
>>> DURING A BIPARTISAN MEETING, PRESIDENT TRUMP CALLED FOR MORE
GUN CONTROL. NOW OFFICIALS FROM THE NRA ARE
SAYING AFTER MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT, HE'S BACKED OFF THAT
POSITION. OH, REALLY, HE MET WITH GUN
ENTHUSIASTS AND HE SOMEHOW CHANGED HIS MIND?
YOU KNOW THAT ONCE HAPPENED TO ME, I SPOKE OUT ABOUT GANG
VIOLENCE, AND THEN WITH A MEETING WITH THE BLOODS ON THE
ROOF OF MY BUILDING. I DECIDED I DISAGREED WITH
MYSELF TOO. >>> ANOTHER PROPOSAL SAID WE
SHOULD GIVE GUNS TO TEACHERS. I TRIED TO CONSIDER THAT IDEA,
THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD CATHOLIC NUNS AS TEACHERS GROWING UP,
THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE RUNS. I MEAN, THEY WERE VIOLENT ENOUGH
WITH RULERS. OF COURSE, NUNS ARE VIOLENT.
IMAGINE A TEACHER AND HOW FRUSTRATED THEY ARE ALSO TIME.
NOW IMAGINE A TEACHER WHO'S A NUN.
THEY CAN NEVER HAVE SEX. >>> DICK'S SPORTING GOODS HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT IN THE WAKE OF THE FLORIDA SHOOTING IT WILL
IMMEDIATELY STOP SELLING ASSAULT RIFLES.
GOOD. MAYBE NOW WE CAN STOP PRETENDING
THAT HUNTING IS A SPORT. BECAUSE IT'S NOT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A DEER GET SHOT AND THEN GRABBED HIS SIDE AND
SAY, "AH, GOOD GAME." YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE TERRORIZING
ANIMALS A SPORT BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO DO IT.
IF YOU GET CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH A DEER, YOU CAN'T BE LIKE,
UNHAND ME, I'M AN ATHLETE. SHOOTING ANIMALS FOR SPORT IS
WRONG ANYWAY. THERE'S SO MANY SAFER WAYS TO
FEEL STRONG AND MAKE YOUR HEART RACE.
TRY SMOKING CRACK, OKAY? DON'T HUNT FOR FOOD, JUST EAT
RICE. YOU DON'T NEED TO HUNT IF YOU
EAT RICE. YOU DON'T NEED TOILET PAPER
EITHER. WE CAN'T JUST LET ANYONE HAVE AN
ASSAULT RIFLE. THE SAME WAY WE CAN'T LET ANY
COUNTRY HAVE A NUKE. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
CAUTIOUS AND INSANE. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
HAVING A CONDOM IN YOUR WALLET AND WRAPPING YOUR ENTIRE PENIS
IN BUBBLE WRAP. >>> HOPE HICKS SHOCKED MANY BY
ANNOUNCING SHE'S RESIGNING. HERE TO EXPLAIN IS HOPE HICKS.
>> HI. >> I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED YOU'RE
HERE. I FEEL LIKE I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER
HEARD YOU SPEAK. >> NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
'CAUSE I HAVEN'T. I NEVER HAVE.
I'VE NEVER HAD TO. LIKE, NO ONE EVER PRESSED ME ON
IT. THE MEDIA'S ACTUALLY BEEN SO
NICE TO ME. LIKE, ACTUALLY LIKE INSANELY
NICE TO ME. >> WHY DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA'S
BEEN SO NICE TO YOU? >> UM, WELL, IF I HAD TO GUESS,
I'D SAY BECAUSE MY HAIR AND FACE ARE GOOD.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT, ALSO, HONESTLY, I JUST -- I TRY TO
STAY OUT OF WHOLE ARENA. BECAUSE COMMUNICATIONS AT THE
WHITE HOUSE IS A MESS. >> YEAH, AND YOUR JOB WAS?
>> WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.
>> RIGHT. >> ANYWAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
WORKING AT THE WHITE HOUSE WAS LIKE GOING TO SUMMER CAMP.
YOU MAKE ALL THESE NEW FRIENDS, YOU BARELY GET ANY SLEEP, AND
THEN EVERYBODY LEAVES AFTER EIGHT WEEKS.
PLUS THERE'S TONS OF CUTE GUYS THERE, MOST ARE CLASSIC BAD
GUYS, CRAZY HAIRCUTS, AND BREAKING THE LAW, AND THEY'VE
ALL HIT A GIRL. >> THAT'S A BAD BOY?
>> NO, BECAUSE THEY'RE MEN. SO THEY'RE BAD MEN.
THEY'RE REALLY BAD MEN. >> AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT?
>> OKAY WITH IT, I WAS LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE.
I WAS LIKE, I THINK I'M GOING TO LIKE IT HERE.
>> THAT'S COOL. >> ANYWAY, I REALLY AM GOING TO
MISS ALL MY FRIENDS FROM MY SEMESTER ABROAD AT THE WHITE
HOUSE. IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, I WANT TO
READ A STATEMENT I PREPARED. >> SOME PEOPLE DANCE IN OUR
LIVES AND QUICKLY GO. THEY ALWAYS LEAVE FOOTPRINTS ON
OUR HEARTS AND FINGERPRINTS ON RUSSIAN DOCUMENTS.
TO KELLY ANN, YOU TAUGHT ME THAT A STRONG WOMAN COULD RUN A
CAMPAIGN AND WIN. AND YOU SHOWED ME WHAT I COULD
TURN INTO IF I STICK AROUND TOO LONG.
YOU'RE LIKE THE HUMAN VERSION OF PICTURES OF BLACK LUNGS ON
CIGARETTE BOXES. TO DONNY, I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR
HOPEY. WHICH IS WHAT YOU CALLED ME WHEN
YOU NEEDED HELP, BECAUSE YOUR BIG RED TIE TOUCHED THE TOILET
WATER. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN BEING THE
TRUMP TRANSLATOR. LIKE THAT WOMAN WHO TAUGHT SIGN
LANGUAGE TO COCOA THE GORILLA. >> WHAT?
>> YEAH, WE HAD SIGNS LIKE, DONALD HUNGRY.
DONALD ANGRY. DONALD SLORNGRY.
>> WAIT, WHAT'S SLORNGRY? >> OH, THAT'S WHEN HE WAS
SLEEPY, ANGRY AND HORNY. AND DONNY, NEVER FORGET OUR
LITTLE INSIDE JOKE -- THE MEETING WAS ABOUT RUSSIAN
ADOPTION. HE'LL GET THAT, BUT YOU WON'T
KNOW THAT ONE. THIS IS THE HARDEST ONE.
IVANKA, MY BFF, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME ABOUT THIS
INTERNSHIP OR JOB OR WHAT IS IT? AND EVER SINCE THEN, IT'S BEEN
LIKE A NEVER-ENDING SLEEPOVER. LIKE ONE WHERE YOU WAKE UP AND
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOU'RE LIKE,
IS THAT MY FRIEND'S DAD IN THE DOORWAY?
IS HE STANDING THERE WATCHING US.
AND IT WAS THAT MOMENT STRETCHED OUT OVER THREE YEARS.
HEARTS, GIRL. AND TO EVERYONE ELSE AT THE
TRUMP WHITE HOUSE, SEE YOU AT THE REUNION IN 10 YEARS.
SEVEN WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR. >> HOPE HICKS, EVERYONE.
>> I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY.