♪♪♪ >>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH
COLIN AND MICHAEL. >> HELLO, EVERYBODY.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>>> IT'S BEING REPORTED THE CIA BELIEVES RUSSIA INFLUENCED THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IN FAVOR OF DONALD TRUMP.
YOU SEE, FEEL BETTER NOW, POPULAR VOTE?
NO? OKAY.
AT THIS POINT TELLING US WHY TRUMP WON IS LIKE A FIRE
DEPARTMENT SHOWING UP TO TELL US WHY OUR HOUSE IS CURRENTLY ON
FIRE. JUST PUT IT OUT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER. TRUMP'S TEAM THEN DISMISSED THE
CIA CLAIMS SAYING THAT THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE THAT SAID SADDAM
HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
NOW, FIRST OF ALL, TRUMP, DAMN, THAT'S A GOOD COMEBACK.
WOW. EVEN THE CIA RESPONDED TO TRUMP
SAYING, WOW, IT'S LIKE THAT? >> AND THIS COMES AFTER
PRESIDENT OBAMA ORDERED INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS TO
PRODUCE A FULL REVIEW ON RUSSIAN EFFORTS TO INFLUENCE THE 2016
ELECTION. THE REVIEW WILL BE CONDUCTED BY
JUST LOOKING AT VLADIMIR PUTIN. >> THIS COULD ALSO EXPLAIN WHY
DONALD TRUMP HAS ONLY BEEN TO A COUPLE OF THE DAILY INTELLIGENCE
BRIEFINGS SINCE WINNING THE ELECTION.
MIKE PENCE HAS BEEN TO SIX A WEEK.
PENCE IS LIKE A WIFE CAREFULLY READING THE IKEA INSTRUCTIONS
AND TRUMP IS THE STUBBORN DAD YELLING, "IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
WOBBLY!" AS CRAZY AS IT SOUNDS, MAYBE
IT'S BETTER TRUMP DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
WE CAN'T TRUST HIM WITH SECRETS. THIS GUY TWEETS EVERY THOUGHT
THAT POPS INTO HIS HEAD. HE IS SO PETTY AND SO VIN
DICTIVE.
HOW LONG BEFORE HE TWEETS OUT THE PRESIDENT OF CHINA'S HOME
PHONE NUMBER BECAUSE HE GOT A BAD EGG ROLL SOMEWHERE?
I HOPE THEY TELL HIM AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.
WHEN TRUMP SHOWS UP FOR A BRIEFING, I HOPE THEY GIVE HIM
SOME HEADPHONES AN iPAD AND MAKE HIM WATCH "FROZEERN."
>> IT WAS REVEALED DONALD TRUMP WILL KEEP HIS JOB AS PRODUCER ON
"THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE" WHILE IS HE PRESIDENT.
IT'S AN ABSURD, UNETHICAL, AND POTENTIALLY ILLEGAL CONFLICT OF
INTEREST -- ONLY ON NBC. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> NOW, PEOPLE ARE UPSET THAT TRUMP IS DOING A TV SHOW AND
WON'T GO TO INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS, BUT, FACE IT,
AMERICA. TRUMP WON BECAUSE HE IS THE FUN
GUY. IF WE WANTED A DILIGENT,
COMPETENT, EXPERIENCED PRESIDENT WE WOULD HAVE ELECTED NERD LADY.
IF YOUR SCHOOL ELECTS THE RICH COOL GUY PRESIDENT HE ISN'T
GOING TO ATTEND SCHOOL COUNCIL MEETINGS.
HE IS GOING TO GO ON A V VICTORY LAP, START A FOOD FIGHT WITH THE
MODEL U.N. AND GRAB SOME CHEERLEADERS BY THE POM-POMS.
HIS WHOLE PLATFORM WAS SENIORS RULE, MEXICANS DROOL.
>> DONALD TRUMP IS EXPECTED TO NOMINATE EXXON CEO REX TILLERSON
TO BE SECRETARY OF STATE. REX TILLERSON IS SUCH AN OIL
TYCOON'S NAME. THE I IN TILLERSON SHOULD BE AN
OIL RIG. I SAID, I SAID -- TILLERSON MAY
HAVE NO GOVERNMENT OR DIPLOMATIC EXPERIENCE, BUT EXXON IS KNOWN
FOR THEIR CHARITABLE WORK OF CLEANING OIL OFF OF DUCKS.
>> FORMER MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI -- FORMER MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI HAS
REMOVED HIMSELF FOR CONSIDERATION FOR A POSITION IN
TRUMP'S CABINET, WHICH IS A SMOOTH POLITICAL WAY OF SAYING
TRUMP DIDN'T PICK HIM. I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE DIRTY
GRANDPA TAKING ITSELF OUT OF OSCAR CONTENTION.
PAULA DEAN SAYING SHE WON'T ACCEPT AN NAACP IMAGE AWARD.
YOU'RE GOOD. ON TUESDAY DONALD TRUMP TWEETED
THAT HE WANTS TO CANCEL AN ORDER WITH BOEING FOR A NEW AIR FORCE
ONE BECAUSE IT COSTS TOO MUCH. THAT'S WEIRD BECAUSE TRUMP
USUALLY WAITS UNTIL AFTER THE WORK IS DONE BEFORE HE REFUSES
TO PAY. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> TRUMP HAS JUSTIFIED HIS USE OF TWITTER SAYING HE WOULD TWEET
LESS IF THE PRESS DID THEIR JOB BETTER, OR IF HIS AMBIEN DID ITS
JOB BETTER. THE SPREAD OF FAKE NEWS ON THE
INTERNET HAS BECOME SO PREVALENT THAT EVEN THE POPE SPOKE OUT
THIS WEEK AND DENOUNCED FAKE NEWS.
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN A GUY WHO GETS HIS NEWS FROM VOICES IN THE
SKY AND BURNING BUSHES IS TELLING YOU TO CHECK YOUR
SOURCES. PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP WAS
PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP WAS NAMED TIME MAGAZINE'S PERSON OF
THE YEAR FOR 2016. HERE TO COMMENT IS LAST YEAR'S
PERSON OF THE YEAR, GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD TO BE HERE. >> SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU.
CHANCELLOR, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT "TIME" CHOOSING DONALD
TRUMP? >> WELL, YOU KNOW, IT KIND OF
UNDERMINES THE HONOR FOR ME. IT'S, LIKE, WINNING THE NOBEL
PRIZE FOR PHYSICS, AND THEN THE NEXT YEAR THEY GET IT TO
HUBERSTANK. 2016 HAS BEEN A REAL VOLKSWAGEN.
BREXIT, TRUMP. LEFT ME WITH MORE QUESTIONS THAN
ANSWERS. I'M COPING.
I'VE SPENT MANY ANIGHT IN MY BATHTUB WITH MY TWO BEST
FRIENDS. A GLASS OF RIESLING, AND AN
ADULT COLORING BOOK. THE OTHER DAY I COLORED A
PEACOCK. THEN DAVID CAMERON CALLED.
HE ALWAYS KNOWS HOW TO CHEER ME UP.
HE SAYS LET'S CALL DONALD TRUMP AND PRETEND TO BE THE PRESIDENT
OF TAIWAN. >> YEAH.
NOW, I HAVE TO ASK, ARE YOU WORRIED AT ALL ABOUT THE RISE OF
NATIONALISM IN AMERICA AND EUROPE?
>> NO. NATIONALISM IN EUROPE?
WHAT COULD GO WRONG? BESIDES, THAT WAS THE FIRST
GERMAN ATTEMPT AT SARCASM. I'LL WORK ON IT.
>> IT WAS GOOD. IT WAS GOOD.
YOU'RE NOT EXCITED THEN, I ASSUME, ABOUT THE ALT-RIGHT
MOVEMENT? >> AH, YES, IN AMERICA IT'S THE
ALT-RIGHT. IN GERMANY WE CALL IT WHY
GRANDPA-PA LIVES IN ARGENTINA NOW.
FORGIVE ME, COLIN. I MUST LET OUT A GERMAN SCREAM.
>> THAT WAS A SCREAM? >> YES.
THAT'S RIGHT. IN GERMANY WE SHOUT OUR PROBLEMS
INTO OUR STOMACHS. >> SEEMS VERY HEALTHY.
>> IT'S GOOD. >> HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO HILLARY
SINCE THE ELECTION? >> NO, NO.
SHE IS SO DEEP IN THE WOODS, I'M WORRIED SHE'LL COME UPON A CANDY
HOUSE. I HAD SUCH HOPES FOR HILL.
I WAS SO SURE WE WERE GOING TO BE BESTIES, STAYING UP ALL NIGHT
EATING JUNK FOOD, PLAYING F MARRY KILL THE LEADERS OF ASIA.
WE WOULD DO EACH OTHER'S MAKEUP, JUST CHAP STICK AND SUN BLOCK.
WATCH OUR FAVORITE MOVIE "BAD MOMS."
IN GERMANY THIS IS A MOM WHO LETS HER CHILD GO TO ART SCHOOL.
OF COURSE, WE WOULD TALK ABOUT BARACK.
OH, MY BARACK. ♪ WE REMEMBER YOU ♪
♪ MY BARACK, BARACK OBAMA ♪ >> WE JUST MADE HIS LAST VISIT
TO GERMANY AS PRESIDENT, AND I STOLE ONE OF HIS GLOVES SO HE
WOULD HAVE TO COME BACK AND GET IT.
APPARENTLY HE HAS MANY GLOVES. >> CHANCELLOR, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY. JUST CHEER UP.
CHEER UP. IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, REMEMBER?
IT'S THE HOLIDAYS. >> YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. MAYBE I WILL GET SOME OF THE
GIFTS ON MY LIST. THIS YEAR I ASKED FOR WORLD
PEACE, A BOWL SO I CAN CUT MY OWN BANGS, AND A GIFT
CERTIFICATE TO MY FAVORITE STORE, THE WOMEN'S WAREHOUSE.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK THE WAY YOU LOOK.
I GUARANTEE IT. >> CHANCELLOR MERKEL, EVERYONE.
[ APPLAUSE ]