Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick Worldl
"I didn't see you come in."
This week we're looking at 'The Brainiac'
or 'Baron of Terror'.
"Have you have you ever heard anything more absurd Lord inquisitor?"
In 17th century Mexico, Baron Vitelius d'Estera is found guilty by the inquisition
and sentenced...
" to be dressed in the clothing of shame"
I do not like the clothing the shame.
They also burn him.
But the Baron is saved by hitching a lift on a passing comet
and if you think that looks silly just wait till it crashes to earth
three hundred years later.
Bringing the Baron back to fulfill a terrifying promise.
I shall return to your world in 300 years,
I will kill each and every one of your descendants.
At which point I imagine the Inquisitors are thinking...
'you're gonna kill my descendants in three hundred years, that doesn't really effect me.'
"This doesn't make any sense."
Also I did the math,
and even allowing for just two generations per century
and just two children per generation for each of the four inquisitors
by 1961 that still makes 256 descendants
and it seems too much to hope they all stayed in the same place.
This is just not a practical plan.
"I guess it's just useless."
Imagine my surprise that when it turns out that Inquisitor just has
one descendant and they all seem to live in the same town
so the Baron can just invite them round for a party.
You would think the family would change appearance more in three hundred years
OK, fairplay, he has changed.
"Yeah I guess so."
By the why how the Baron has a castle and enough mates to fill it despite
having spent the last three hundred years in space
is a plothole it's best just not to think about.
"As you know inspector
"I just recently came to live here."
It's safe to say that the Baron has changed while he's been away.
-- Scream --
And he now sets about his revenge.
"I must carry out my revenge.
"Your ancestors offended me 300 years ago."
Some people can really hold a grudge.
This revenge has what feels like a distinctly Latin flavour.
As he hypnotizes them with a lighting effect...
Immobilizing them while he makes out with their wife or girlfriend,
and all they can do is stare.
then he uses his forked tounge to peirce their skulls and extract thier brain.
-- Screams --
which he keeps ion a chest
so he can help himself to a spoonful from time to time
Or if the mood takes him
he may suspend his victims upside down in a bathtub
-- scream --
You know, it's starting to dawn om me
this is actually quite a weird film.
"Could it be that the whole thing is an hallucination."
but that's not the problem the problem is...
nothing this bizarre should be this boring.
"I hate to say professor but it's the truth."
It's just conversation punctuated by the occasional murder.
"What I shocking tragedy."
There's no characters no development and no tension.
because the only concession to actually finding the killer is people every now
and then commenting on
what a coincidence it is that all the Baron's party guests end up dead
with their brains sucked out
"It's really strange coincidence insn't it.
"The two were together at your house, you remember don't you Baron?"
Somehow the police do track him down
and even though they still think it was just a run-of-the-mill murderer
they've brought flame throwers.
They take up fucking hard line on crime in Mexico.
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"This hearing has come to an end."