THE CAMPAIGN IS COMING TO AN END.
SO TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY ( CHEERING )
( APPLAUSE ) FINALLY, WE'LL ALL GET OUT THE
VOTE AND-- WAIT A MINUTE...
WHAT'S THAT?
(RAGAMUFFIN IN AUDIENCE IS CRYING)
>> Stephen: WHY, IT'S AN ADORABLE LITTLE STREET URCHIN!
BUT WHY ARE YOU CRYING, LITTLE GIRL?
I ASK OUT OF GENUINE CONCERN AND NOT BECAUSE IT'S A LIVE SHOW AND
I'M FURIOUS.
( CHILD SINGING ) ♪ I AM JUST AN ORPHAN
RAGAMUFFIN ♪ ♪ I'M COLD AND HAVE NO COAT ♪
♪ AND WHEN IT COMES TO BALLOT STUFFIN' ♪
♪ I'M TOO SCARED TO VOTE ♪ >> Stephen: AW, GET ON UP
HERE, YOU LITTLE SCAMP!
COME ON, EVERYBODY!
LET'S GIVE HER A WELCOME!
( APPLAUSE ) LISTEN, LITTLE GIRL --
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE AFRAID TO VOTE!
>> I DON'T?
>> Stephen: NO!
IN FACT -- ( BAND PLAYS UPBEAT MUSIC-MAN
STYLE MUSIC) ( STEPHEN SINGING )
♪ VOTING GIVES A VOICE TO PEOPLE ONE AND ALL ♪
♪ FROM THE RICHEST ROBBER BARONS TO THE LOWLIEST DIRTBALLS ♪
♪ VOTING'S DONE IN A HALF A FLASH ♪
♪ IT ONLY TAKES ONE'S WRIST-FLICK ♪
♪ THEY MAKE THE PROCESS SPEEDY >> Jon: EXCEPT FOR IN BLACK
DISTRICTS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE!
YEAH, A LITTLE WEIRD THE WAY THAT HAPPENS.
IT'S A GRADE-A, CRACKERJACK SUPER DUPER, FUN-PACKED PEACHY
KEEN, GRAND SLAM WHIZBANG, BREAD-AND-JAM WAY TO KEEP
AMERICA AFLOAT.
IT'S DEMOCRACY IN ACTION, SO GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!
YEAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT!
DON CHEADLE IS HERE!
STEVIE WONDER IS HERE!
>> NOW, NOW, HOLD ON, NOW, MR. STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOLD ON!
TOLTOLD ON, NOW!
HOLD ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU HAD SOMETHING
TO SAY?
>> I DID INDEED!
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!
I SAY THIS TO ALL OF YOU -- LET THE CHILD DO AS SHE PLEASES!
>> Stephen: OH, MY STARS!
IT'S FRIEND TO CHILDREN EVERYWHERE, THE MAYOR OF CANDY
TOWN, JON STEWART!
>> IF THE GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO VOTE, SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO!
HERE, HAVE A TOFFEE.
EVERYONE GETS A TOFFEE!
HAVE A TOFFEE FROM AN OLD MAN'S PANTS!
( APPLAUSE ) I HAVE BEEN HEATING THOSE UP ALL
DAY.
THERE YOU GO.
TOFFEE FROM AN OLD MAN'S PANTS.
>> SO...
I DON'T HAVE TO VOTE?
>> HECK, NO!
( SINGING ) ♪ THERE'S NOTHING IN THE LAW
THAT SAYS THE PEOPLE HAVE TO VOTE ♪
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
♪ LET THE CHILD DO WHAT SHE WANTS ♪
♪ DON'T STUFF VOTING DOWN HER THROAT! ♪
♪ DEMOCRACY IS OPTIONAL ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT A BIG OLD CROAT ♪
>> Stephen: "CROAT?" IT'S AN ANATOMICAL TERM.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS CROAT?
THE SACK ON A SEA BIRD.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A CROAT.
YOU REMEMBER, NEW ORLEANS, THEY TOOK 'EM UP, OH, SO GOOD!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE BEEN TO THE CROAT FEST!
>> Stephen: LISTEN, JOHN, THIS CHILD HAS GOT TO VOTE!
>> COME ON, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER WHO'S RUNNING THIS YEAR?
>> WELL, I HAVEN'T PAID MUCH ATTENTION.
WALTER MON BASTILLE DAYDALE, THAT NICE MORMON FELLOW.
GEORGE McGOVERN?
>> Stephen: NO, THAT'S A WHILE AGO.
DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU?
>> WELL, LET ME GIVE IT A TRY.
LET ME JUST GET A LITTLE WATER.
>> Stephen: IT'S DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
THAT SON OF A -- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THATTAGE RITAX AND DRAFT DODGING LITTLE ORANGE GROUNDHOG IS
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WHO'S RUNNING AGAIN?
>> Stephen: I JUST TOLD YOU.
I THINK I JUST FORGOT.
>> Stephen: YOU FORGOT THAT FAST?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
BUT I'M STILL A BIT PARCHED.
>> Stephen: YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU AGAIN?
I THINK I MIGHT KEEP MY GLASSES OFF THIS TIME.
IT'S, UH -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S, UH -- IT'S DONALD TRUMP!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I FORGOT MY SNORKEL!
( LAUGHTER ) >> AND THIS RAGAMUFFIN ISN'T
GOING TO VOTE?
YOU'RE VOTING, BUDDY.
YOU'RE VOTING!
>> YEAH, HE'S RUNNING AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON.
UGH, I CAN'T TELL WHICH ONE'S WORSE!
>> Stephen: HE'S WORSE!
HE'S WORSE!
>> Stephen: MUCH WORSE!
MUCH WORSE!
( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: VOTE!
AND YOU'RE VOTING, YOUNG LADY!
>> BUT LISTEN...
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE SYSTEM GAVE US TWO UNSAVORY FOLKS ♪
♪ IF EITHER SHARED MY VALUES, I'D BE THE FIRST IN LINE TO
VOTE ♪ ♪ BUT IN THIS CIVIL OLIGARCHY,
WE DON'T HAVE A REAL CHOICE ♪ ♪ HOW CAN I CHANGE A SYSTEM THAT
WON'T LISTEN TO MY VOICE? ♪ ♪ TO ADD MY VOTE TO EITHER SIDE
WOULD BE AN AWFUL LIE ♪ ♪ BUT THERE'S POWER IN
ABSTAINING, SITTING OUT FEELS JUSTIFIED ♪
♪ TO CAVE TO PRESSURE FROM THE CROWD ♪
♪ TO VOTE JUST 'CAUSE THEY SAY ♪ ♪ TO FALL IN LINE AND JUST BE
COWED ♪ ♪ ISN'T THAT THE COWARD'S WAY?
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I KINDA SEE WHERE SHE'S COMING FROM.
>> THAT IS AN UNBELIEVABLY CONTRARIAN THINK PIECE.
IT BLEW MY MIND.
I WANT YOU TO WRITE FOR SLATE BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE AMAZING.
>> Stephen: AMAZING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
>> YEAH, I FEEL LOST...
♪ PAPA? ♪ ♪ PAPA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? ♪
>> Stephen: JOHN, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YENTL!
>> THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR YENTL!
( APPLAUSE ) >> SO WE'RE ALL AGREED -- WE
NEED TO MAKE A STATEMENT AND SIT THIS ONE OUT.
>> NOOOOOOOO!
( BEAT DROPS ) >> Stephen: IT' IT'S HAMILTON'S
JAVIER MUÑOZ!
>> WE'VE GOTTEN THROUGH A LOT AND YOUR TEMP'S HOT
SO PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT THROWIN' AWAY YOUR SHOT
IT'S A SLAP IN THE FACE WHEN YOU ERASE YOUR VOICE
PEOPLE BLED FOR THE RIGHT FOR YOU TO WRITE YOUR CHOICE
THEY FACED FIRE HOSES, RIOTS AND DOGS BITEIN'
SO I'M SORRY NOT SORRY IF THIS ISN'T EXCITING
BUT STAYIN' HOME ISN'T A STATEMENT
YOU'RE SAYING YOU GAVE UP YOUR SAY IN THE WAY THAT YOUR STATE
WENT?
GREAT, THEN YEARS FROM NOW WHAT YOU WILL SAY FIFTY YEARS
AWAY FROM THIS ELECTION DAY
DID YOU FIGHT AND USE YOUR RIGHTS
DID YOU DECIDE, OR REFUSE TO USE THIS POWER PEOPLE DIED FOR?
SO NOW IT'S TIME, WHATCHA GONNA DO?
( BEAT DROPS OUT, SINGING ) ♪ 'CAUSE HISTORY HAS ITS EYES ON
YOU ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OH, SHHHH...
( BLEEP FOR SEVERAL SECONDS ) >> YEAH.
JAVIER OUT.
I GOT A MATINEE TOMORROW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OKAY.
OKAY.
IT'S ALL AGREED.
WE'RE ALL VOTING TOMORROW, RIGHT?
>> WE'RE ALL VOTING TOMORROW!
>> Stephen: GOOD, BECAUSE -- ( DRUM BEAT, ANTHEMMIC MARCH
STARTS ) ♪ NOW IS THE TIME ♪
>> HE'S ENDORSED BY DAVID DUKE.
>> Stephen:.
♪ TO GROW A SPINE ♪ >> HIS TINY HANDS MIGHT GET THE
MUSIC.
♪ THE STAKES ARE HIGH, IT'S DO OR DIE, WE CAN'T REWIND
>> ALL: WE HAVE TO TRY.
THE PLANET'S ONLY GETTING HOTTER.
>> ALL: FOR HUMAN KIND.
HE SAID HE WANTS TO DATE HIS DAUGHTER.
>> ALL: THE TIME IS NOW.
HE ACTS REAL TOUGH, BUT HE'S A WUSSY.
HE'LL FILL THE COURT WITH GARY BUSEY.
HE'LL GRAB YOUR MOTHERS...
>> Stephen: JON, THERE'S A CHILD PRESENT!
>> KITTY CAT, MEOW!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> ALL: NOW IS THE TIME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STICK AROUND!
STEVIE WONDER IS HERE!
DON CHEADLE IS HERE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
♪ (SINGING)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL: