Some people love the predictability and repetition of their cubicle farm jobs. Others might find
that heading in to the ol' carpet-walled box and stamping TPS reports just doesn't provide
the same heart-pounding, blood-boiling, sweaty-palmed thrills it once did.
"Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam. I swear to God I'm just.. I I…
I'm going to kick this piece of s--- out the window."
"You and me both, man."
Well, good news! There are some pretty crazy-scary job openings out there, and all you have to
do is pick the way you want to bite the big one — ahem, we mean earn a living. So strap
on your helmet and your safety harness and pay attention, folks, because today is career
day at the University of Things that Might Kill You.
Grapple with gravity as a lineman
"Remember: Never play around electrical wires, or you could be playing with fire!"
If we're being totally honest, compared to some of the other jobs on this list, linemen
have it pretty easy. Safety standards are high for U.S. jobs, so, sure, you may be doing
much riskier stuff than the average guy sitting in a cubicle. On the other hand, your job
doesn't usually have the same level of risk as, say, your average snake milker.
According to CNN, linemen rake in nearly $60,000 a year in exchange for climbing all over high-voltage
power lines in crappy weather. And while they're working tirelessly in high winds and getting
pelted by rain and hail, everyone else is sitting at home with their flashlights whining
because they're missing the mid-season premiere of Gotham. As far as thankless jobs go, being
a lineman rivals garbage collecting, although it's actually less dangerous than garbage
collecting.
"The f---ing bag split! You Seen it? F--- F---- F----."
Shocking, huh?
That's because garbage collectors could actually fall victim to impatient motorists who'll
run them over while trying to pass them on the road. At least when you're a lineman,
you get to go out in style on a wire that can carry up to 500,000 volts of electricity.
Ahh, consolation! Kind of.
Whip through the wind as a bush pilot
Who doesn't love the idea of soaring over a place so remote that, even if you do survive,
you'll probably get eaten by a bear before anyone even notices you're gone? Lots of people,
evidently. But for people who love flying and the great outdoors, bush piloting is the
most awesome job in the world. It's also one of the most dangerous.
You see, airstrips in the northern wilderness have no control tower and are often miles
from the nearest paved road. Pilots are needed to ferry gear and resources out of
remote places, and the dangers they face aren't like the dangers faced by pilots who fly in
and out of city airports. Wildlife can wander onto the runways, the weather forecasts are
spotty and unreliable, and airstrips are often positioned dangerously close to camps, piles
of oil drums, and other hazards. The job is so dangerous that many pilots serve for a
few months and then leave to find safer work — you know, like garbage collecting or repairing
power lines.
Fend off flames as a smokejumper
Firefighters deserve a huge shout-out for the job they do — it's difficult, dirty
work with the ultimate goal of saving lives. But firefighting isn't as dangerous as it
used to be. Modern firefighting equipment and safety procedures have helped bring the
death rate down to lower than the national average for all occupations. Not everyone
who fights fires gets to use that stat to comfort worried friends and family, though.
Some do jobs that are significantly more dangerous than the work done by the average firefighter.
"In the entire USA there are only 430 of them. They are among the firefighting elite. They
are the smokejumpers."
If adrenaline is your drug of choice, you might want to look into a career as a smokejumper.
Smokejumpers basically parachute into places that can't be reached by road and then use
hand tools to try and stop a fire's forward progression. Smokejumpers train by climbing
into a machine affectionately called "The Mutilator," which is a parachute simulator
designed to fling people into the ground from 35 feet at three different speeds. Sounds
like fun!
Get wet and wild as an underwater welder
Professional welders work in hot conditions with dangerous tools and are exposed to poisonous
fumes and blindingly bright light. The only real perk of a welding career is that you
get to look like a Star Wars villain, which is probably only really cool for about five
minutes. There's also the risk of electrocution and severe burns.
"Ouch."
So here's an idea: Why not weld underwater? You won't inhale poisonous fumes, it won't
be oppressively hot, and you'll still get to dress like a Sith lord. Well, even with
those improvements, underwater welding is actually one of the world's most dangerous
professions.
According to Interesting Engineering, underwater welders work on structures like ships, dams,
and pipelines. Welders may have to dive pretty deep with a scuba tank, which means they carry
no communication equipment, aren't tethered to the surface, and are at risk of getting
trapped in super-high-pressure areas. The good news is an underwater welder can make
some decent bank. The bad news is most of it will have to go into an insurance policy
to support loved ones after your untimely demise, but at least they'll be comfortable.
Risk life and limb as a landmine remover
Maybe underwater welding just doesn't sound exciting enough for you. A high potential
for drowning does kind of pale in comparison to a high potential for exploding, so if you
really like danger you should consider a career as a landmine remover.
According to Australian Broadcasting Corporation, there are between 50 and 60 countries that
still have wartime mines buried in the ground — mines that have the potential to take
out anyone who steps on them, drives over them, or looks at them funny, even decades
after they were buried.
Some landmine removers are employed by international humanitarian organizations, but others are
locals who just need the work. Most landmines are "standard weaponry" that can be neutralized
with the same basic techniques. For instance, some removers partially uncover them and then
blow them up with a stick of dynamite, which sounds kind of fun. But improvised explosive
devices — or IEDs — are much more difficult to defuse. So you might want to consider this
particular career if you don't really have anyone at home who would miss you.
Wrestle with reptiles as a snake milker
You probably didn't know snakes have milk. That's because they don't. They're reptiles
— duh-doy. But you can still get a job as a snake milker if you're into animals and
you think landmine removal is for people who lack a sense of adventure.
In reality, snake milkers are paid to remove the venom from the fangs of live snakes. Why,
oh why, would anyone want to do such a thing? Because the venom is actually used to make
antivenom, which is the only substance in the world that can save someone from the effects
of a snake bite. And it sure beats the alternative.
"There's so much poison Dr. Bones."
"Don't stop sucking till it's all out."
Most snake milkers need a master's degree or Ph.D. in biology or a related field, and
salary information is not widely publicized. And in case you were still on the fence, most
snake milkers get bit eventually. Several times. So if you're not prepared for frequent
hospitalizations and possible time off on life support, maybe it's best if you cancel
that job interview. Tell your boss you've caught a cold or something. We won't snitch.
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