- [Narrator] The winning, the witch hunts,
the fire, the fury.
It's the Best Presidency Ever.
(upbeat music)
- The First Lady's visit to the border
where children have been separated from their parents.
- What would happen if they put a white child in a cage?
People would lose their minds.
- [Reporter] She wanted to see for herself
how they're being treated.
On the back of her $39 Zara jacket,
the words "I really don't care, do you?"
- It was just so weird.
I mean, who writes their wedding vows on their jacket?
- [Donald] You won't even believe it.
- Today, I'm very excited to announce, "Be Best,"
an awareness campaign dedicated to
the most vulnerable and fragile among us, our children.
- If Michelle Obama had said "be best."
- They would never have stopped complaining
about her slaughtering grammar,
her abuse of English language.
- People shit on Melania, but she's done some real good,
like her project to stop bullying,
separate bedrooms.
- It would have been just as ridiculous
for her to launch a campaign called "Be Monogamous."
- President Trump's longtime personal attorney
is denying Mr. Trump had a sexual encounter
with an adult film star while he was married to Melania.
- You wouldn't need to pay me to keep quiet
about sleeping with Trump,
I'd take that to my grave for free.
- Trump always says he's going to get the best people.
He can't even get the best porn stars.
- To get to Stormy Daniels, you first gotten a hard no
from Jenna Jameson, Lisa Ann, and Asa Akira, Romi Rain.
- [Reporter] The reported $130,000 payment to Daniels
in 2016 to keep silent about an alleged sexual relationship
with Trump was an illegal campaign contribution.
- Trump didn't pay Stormy for sex, he paid for her silence.
Of course, everyone is silent
when they're having sex with Donald Trump.
So I don't get all the fuss.
- [Rachael] Hey lovebirds,
Stable Genius says it was love at first sight
when he saw Vladimir Putin shirtless on his horse.
When Putin put a bounty on American soldiers in Afghanistan,
Stable Genius had to choose between love and country,
and he chose love,
doing nothing to protect our soldiers.
This one is for you, Vlad.
- The man has very strong control over a country.
Now it's a very different system
and I don't happen to like the system,
but certainly in that system, he's been a leader.
I know nothing about Russia.
They think it's Russia.
I have President Putin.
He just said it's not Russia.
I will say this, I don't see any reason why it would be.
- I'll give you some reasons.
Reason number one, Russia is our enemy,
and reason number two, they want to see us fail,
because of reason number one.
- [Donald] It's locker room talk.
- [Reporter] On the White House lawn answering questions
for the first time, defending the candidate
who was accused of sexual misconduct with teenagers.
- What is your message to women, sir,
during this pivotal moment in our country
when we're talking about sexual misconduct,
you've had your own allegations against you.
What do you say to women?
- Let me just tell you, Roy Moore denies it.
That's all I can say, he denies it.
And by the way, he totally denies it.
- You know, initially, president Trump was very confused
by the #MeToo Movement.
When he would watch TV and hear that
someone had committed sexual assault,
he would just yell "me too!"
- President Trump's nominee for the Supreme court,
Judge Brett Kavanaugh, and one of his accusers,
Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford,
both set to appear before the Senate judiciary Committee.
- Brett groped me and tried to take off my clothes.
He had a hard time because he was very inebriated.
- You know, what we're all looking for
in a Supreme Court justice is someone who is level-headed,
who talks about serious issues in a serious way.
- Yes, we drank beer.
I liked beer, still like beer.
We drank beer.
The drinking age as I noted was 18,
so the seniors were legal senior year in high school.
People were legal to drink, and we drank,
yeah we drank beer, and I said sometimes,
sometimes probably had too many beers.
- During the hearing, they brought up
Cavanaugh's high school calendar.
I don't know how this was supposed to exonerate him,
just 'cause he didn't write "sexually assault a woman."
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg's August 1982 calendar was so similar.
I mean, she was probably like party spring break,
beer with Squee.
- One of our friends, Squee, when he said the F word,
starting at a young age, had kind of a windup to the F word,
kind of a "Ffff."
- Squee was probably watching the whole thing
like, hey, don't bring the Squee into this.
- Try to finger Leslie, and then go to church.
- Like my high school calendar never says "masturbate."
It doesn't mean it didn't happen.
(playful music)
- It's an unbelievably complex subject.
Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated.
- [Reporter] The presence of president Trump
or the lack of his presence was still felt.
He obviously was not welcome at this ceremony,
and he spent the time tweeting about various adversaries.
- The most shocking thing about him saying about John McCain
that he likes people who weren't captured,
insinuating that all of our POWs in history
are somehow not heroes.
I think the most shocking thing about that to me
was that his little flag pin
didn't just start attacking him.
Just start, you know, just pop off
and start stabbing him in the face.
- [Reporter] 200 people, mostly women and children,
expected to turn themselves over to customs agents
claiming to have escaped
life threatening conditions at home.
- Trump thought criminals were getting in
by mixing with desperate families seeking asylum,
instead of the way criminals really avoid getting caught,
which has being appointed to the Trump administration.
- Are you watching that mess that's going on right now
with the caravan coming up?
- That migrant caravan thing was crazy.
He like worked everybody up into a frenzy.
- Some people call it an invasion.
It's like an invasion.
- I'm checking in on the caravan.
Are they still coming?
Because I mean, my mom has been freaking out.
Oh, traffic's bad, traffic's bad.
- A little rocket man.
He definitely likes sending rockets up, doesn't he?
That's why I call him rocket man.
- Little rocket man, I was, they had me rolling.
and I was like, this is where we are in America?
- North Korea best not make any more threats
to the United States.
They will be met with fire and fury
like the world has never seen.
- Fire and fury, oh, we're friends.
Oh, I hate you.
Oh, and we're best friends.
It just was like a really bad slumber party.
- Getting a good picture everybody,
so we look nice and handsome and thin.
- It's beautiful. - Perfect.
(cameras clicking)
- Isn't it crazy that those two guys have a button?
I don't even keep my vibrator in my nightstand.
I keep it on the other side of the house.
Sometimes I hide it from myself.
(upbeat music)