Oh, so happy to be here. I feel great.
I just went to a big music festival
and found out I am officially too old for that.
So I feel great about it.
[laughter]
So I'm actually gonna try to dress differently, you know,
because--no, don't get me wrong.
Like, looking like the principal of Break-dance High School
has done well for me, but...
[laughter]
The other day, I said out loud to myself,
"♪ Daddy needs a new suit! "
And regretted it immediately,
uh, because no one was there to share.
And by "Daddy" I mean me, not my father.
My father, he can actually afford a suit
because he abandoned his family and the savings alone.
[laughter] Um...
you don't raise your son,
you pocket some sweet, sweet cash,
and, uh... [chuckles]
I'm actually making a documentary this year
in which I'm gonna meet my father for the first time.
I'm gonna track this man down.
I'm gonna meet my biological father for the first time,
and I was actually asked
to come up with ten different questions
I wanna ask this man, and so far
I really only have one question
that is burning on my heart and my mind,
and, uh, it--I would like to share that with you today.
[exhales sharply]
One train is headed east to west at 100 miles per hour...
[laughter]
While a bus is headed west to east
at 60 miles per hour.
Which of these got you away from us the fastest?
That's really the only question I have so far.
[laughter and applause]
I have a lot of weird allergies.
I'm allergic to weird things. I'm allergic to dairy.
And I mean I'm allergic to it. I'm not lactose intolerant.
That's a totally different experience.
Lactose intolerance is like, "Oh, no, I had pizza.
Now I'm gonna fart." I mean...
[laughter]
I accidentally had butter on a sandwich months ago
and my throat swole up to the point
I could no longer breath.
They call it anaphylactic shock, and by "they,"
I mean the doctor in the emergency room,
and she prescribed me an EpiPen, which I keep on me at all times
because nobody knows what dairy is, by the way.
That's my PSA to you.
No server, no chef, no owner of restaurant
know what dairy is.
That's how much dairy we eat as a society.
We have forgotten it.
I keep having the same conversation at restaurants.
"Can't have dairy. Not 'cause I'm cute,
but because it might kill me." "Ooh, what about eggs?"
"Eggs are not dairy." "But it's from a farm."
"Dairy is from a damn cow."
"Ooh, what about asparagus?" "That's a vegetable."
"Ooh, what about arsenic?" "That's literally a poison."
"Ooh, what about 'Arsenic and Old Lace'?"
"That's an old play."
"Ooh, what about 'The Crucible'?"
"Different old play." "Ooh, what about Man Ray?"
"That's a visual artist." "Ooh, what about Ray Manzarek?"
"He's from The Doors."
Like, nobody knows what dairy is.
[laughter and applause] Nobody knows.
- Eating and breathing have become
unexpectedly dangerous in my life.
I'm actually gonna stop calling my allergies that.
That's a wimpy name for something
that might kill you out of nowhere.
So I'm not gonna call my allergies my...
police. Exactly.
Because they might erase my existence,
and people will react the same way.
"Why'd you go outside that day?"
You guys know what I mean?
Exact same disregard for human life.
Okay, some of you with me.
Some of you feel weird about race,
and that's fine 'cause that's how I woke up...
this morning
and every single morning I've woken up.
Just, "What, black again? Hope I make it."
The police are out and it's already skin-thirty.
[laughter]
I'm a contest on "Will This Get Me Killed?"
Anyway, guys, um...
[cheers and applause]
Come with me or not.
- I'm doing all the stuff
they told black people in middle school I could not do.
I'm going to therapy. It's great.
Eating blueberries. They're delicious.
Haven't been skiing. Still think it's dangerous.
And, um...
[laughter]
No, I do like it. I like knowing what I'm about.
You know, I'm trying to figure out who I am,
and I wanna try to figure that out before I am inevitably shot
because if the police don't get me,
the mass shootings will, and you don't wanna be
bleeding in the street going, "I never figured out intimacy."
You guys know what I'm talking about?
Live in the moment
before the moment's taken away from you.
And, um...
that's two shooting jokes. Two shooting jokes.
And I did 'em both.
I don't know if you guys know this,
there's this unwritten rule in comedy
where you can't hit the same subject more than once.
So I actually can't do as many shooting jokes
as there are shootings. Isn't that weird?
Imagine if I got up here and tried to do hundreds
and hundreds of shooting jokes.
Wouldn't you try to stop it?
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Wouldn't you go, "Shooting joke after shooting joke.
"When is this gonna end?
"I'm mad as hell,
and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
[cheers and applause]
Anyway, that's what we call "a black fact."
Um... [laughter]
Lot of comedians like to end on, this is a technical term,
uh, they like to end on something called "laughter,"
and, uh... [laughter]
I don't mean to bore you with jargon,
but I like to end on something called "confused anticipation,"
and I feel like we're right there.
[laughter] So thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.