When I was interviewing Dr.
Helen Fisher, who is an
incredibly esteemed and world
renowned behavioral
anthropologist, and social
scientist, she's actually the
Chief Research Officer for
match.com. So she knows a couple
of things about what attracts
people to each other. When I was
interviewing her on my podcast,
one of the things that she said
is that it's important for
couples to intentionally do
things together, that are novel,
and fun things that keep that
spark alive. Think back to when
you were dating your spouse
before you got married. When I
think back to when my husband
and I were dating, his name is
Rob, when we were dating, we
were just wide eyed in wonder
towards each other, I could not
get to know enough about him.
And I loved the dates that we
went on. In fact, we dated long
distance. So pretty much every
time we were together was a
date, whether it was over an
extended weekend or a time when
I would go visit him for a
while, or he would come up to my
parents house and stay, it felt
like every time we were together
was a date. And when I really
think back to it, it's not just
because we were doing some novel
great and fun things, although
we did and I'm going to share
some tips with you, in this
video, have some great date
ideas to respect that intimacy
in your marriage, and re spark
that romance in your marriage
again, especially if it's begun
to fade. But it wasn't just what
we did. It was how we did it. It
was the connection that we made
with each other in our dates in
our time together, that made all
of the difference. And that's
the point of dating. And that's
the point of continuing to date
your spouse is that you continue
to know each other to keep
knowing each other and to get to
know each other more. Because as
long as you've been married, it
doesn't matter. You could have
been married a year, 510 50
years. I guarantee you don't
know everything about your
spouse, because your spouse
changes every day. And so do
you. When I was interviewing Dr.
John Gottman, once again, world
renowned researcher in the area
of marriage, he even said the
number one thing to keep a
marriage alive and to keep a
strong marriage is to stay
curious about your spouse.
That's what these dates are for.
I'm going to give you some great
ideas, some great frameworks,
places, things that you can do
together. But really the
underlying message is that in
these times doing these things,
how can you stay curious about
each other and get to know each
other more. I have three
categories of data ideas for
you. Free, affordable and
splurge, we're going to start
with the free category. Free no
money, you can do this no matter
what your socio economic or
current lifestyle is a dinner
and movie in, do it in your
house, go and scored your
cabinets scored your pantry,
find some fun items that you can
pull together to make a super
unique meal and cook it
together. Throw on your favorite
music, whether it's on Spotify,
Pandora, YouTube, whatever it
is, they're on your favorite
playlist. Maybe you create a
playlist and your spouse creates
a playlist and you go back and
forth listening to each other's
favorite music as you're working
together, making this food
together. And then pick a movie
to watch while you're snuggled
up on your couch. Even if you
have kids, send them to bed
early and still be intentional
about spending this time
together. I've even had friends
who say that if they have just
not connected and they don't
have the energy to do all the
dinner and the movie. Sometimes
they'll just put the kids to bed
early and pour a glass of wine
and sit on the back porch and
just talk. That's a date. That's
a great date night in. Another
free option is create a bowl of
nouns. I know that might sound
crazy, but just find a bowl in
your house or a mason jar,
something that you can put
pieces of paper in. I was
interviewing someone else on my
podcast, Zach brittle, who's a
marriage and family therapist,
an idea that he came up with on
the podcast was to just take
scraps of paper and write nouns
on them like ferris wheel,
giraffe plane, car, whatever
noun you can think of one on
each little sheet of paper
folded up, put it in this jar or
this bowl. And then part of what
you can do together is you each
draw out one of these little
slips of paper. And then you
start telling a story to each
other about the last encounter
you had with that noun. So maybe
it's plain. If I drew that then
I would start telling my husband
about the last trip that I was
on which I was flying back to
Phoenix and tell him about the
conversation with the really
interesting girl who sat beside
me in the middle seat and how
she was working in the music
industry and all of these
things. I would tell him that
story if he drew giraffe then he
would tell me about his last
encounter with a giraffe. And
the idea here is to continue to
get to know your spouse and
things that maybe you didn't
know before. And maybe some of
these nouns lead to deeper
conversations where you can also
start talking about, how did you
feel when that happened? Were
you scared? Tell me more about
you. I love that one. It's a
great free option. This also is
similar to something that my
husband and I did when we were
dating called the question game.
And it's pretty much exactly
what it sounds like. As I said,
we dated long distance. And so
we spent many hours a day on the
phone together, especially at
night. And sometimes we would
tell each other everything about
our days, but we still wanted to
keep talking to each other. So
we played this question game,
and it was pretty simple. He
would ask me a question, I would
answer it. And the rule was, I
could not ask him the same
question back. Immediately, I
had to come up with a new
question and ask him back to
which he would have to answer.
And I'd have to kind of save
this other question kind of in
my pocket for later if I really
wanted to know the answer to it.
So we played that game all the
time. In fact, we were playing
that game on a hike, which is
another free option. On November
6, when we just went to one of
the hiking places around
Nashville where we live. And
about 2030 minutes into our
hike, we were playing the
question game, and he was his
turn. And he asked me the
question, where do you want to
be in five or 10 years? Where do
you see yourself and I went
through all of this stuff about,
you know, oh, maybe here or
living here or doing this having
this kind of job? And then it
was my turn, I had to ask him a
different question. When it was
finally my turn to ask him that
question. I said, So where do
you want to be in the next five
or 10 years? And he said,
hopefully, married to you.
That's when he got down on one
knee and asked me to marry him.
To which I said, Oh, my gosh,
shut up. No way. Shut up, no way
out of excitement. But he was
like, Are you saying yes or no,
I was super excited. Of course,
I said, Yes, we still play the
question game to this day.
Another free idea of what you
can do, I guess this takes a
little bit because you kind of
have to have gas in your car.
But go to target, go to Lowe's,
whatever kind of your interest
is, or your spouse's interest is
maybe it's Michaels, if you like
crafts and things like that,
Lowe's, if you'd like to do home
projects, Target, if you just
love to have target, tell you
what to spend money on, go and
just walk around, look at things
have fun in the middle of
target, I can't tell you how
many times in high school in
college, I would go and just
wander around with friends. And
we would have a great time. Do
that. Now, with your husband,
with your wife, you don't have
to have an agenda, you don't
have to have a grocery list, you
can actually just go browse,
here's some affordable options
that you can do. Go get a board
game and then take that board
game to a coffee shop, take
it to a bar, take it somewhere
where you can just be out of
your house and play it together.
In fact, some cities even have
board game cafes where you can
go and order a sandwich or a
coffee. And they have walls of
board games that you can choose
from to play, that's a great
option, too. We've done that
several times. And it's a
favorite of hours. Or maybe you
find a city near you, maybe an
hour away two hours away that
you haven't explored before, or
a hiking spot that you haven't
explored before. And you go and
you explore and you do that new
thing or go to that new place
walk around a super cute Town
Square. Those are great
affordable date ideas. You can
also do dinner and a movie out.
This is kind of the standard.
But one of the ways that you can
split this up and kind of
enhance it is don't just always
go to the same movie theater,
and don't always go to the same
kind of meal. So my husband and
I are big into dinner and a
movie. It's probably our most
standard date night idea that we
will go to, but I'm a big
foodie. And he's a big movie
person. So he most of the time
will pick the movie. He knows
the ones that I like. And
thankfully, he doesn't drag me
too many of them that I'm not
going to like, but I can get
pretty bored with just going to
a movie every single time but he
loves it. He loves doing that
together. So the way that we
have compromised on this is
fine. We'll go to movies, but
I'm going to pick the place we
eat. And I love doing this. I'm
a total foodie. I will research
for a week way where we are
going to eat on date night,
which is also great because it
builds up my anticipation I am
thinking about date night I'm
preparing for it. And I have a
list in my phone of new and
notable restaurants or ones that
just got great awards and
Nashville. Sometimes they're on
the lower end. Sometimes they're
on the higher end and I kind of
you know pick the one that's
best for that that month and our
budget and whatever's going on.
But I love doing that so I get
to have my cup fill of going and
experiencing a new restaurant,
which is literally my favorite
thing to do. And then we get to
go together and go to a movie.
And it's a great way to cap off
the evening. Concerts are
another great option, or even
just live music, going to a
place to a dinner place that has
live music and spending that
time together going dancing,
there's can be some other great
affordable date nights, even the
skating rink. I know that might
sound super middle school, but
it's an option. And it can be
super fun to just play together
and do things that you don't
typically do. That's the part of
novelty. That's the part of
novelty that Dr. Helen Fisher
talks about of doing things you
haven't done before. And there's
a lot of other great research
that talks about when you do new
things with people, it
solidifies connection, and the
new memories that you make
together can actually deepen the
bond that you have with those
people. So try new things go to
a painting class, the local rec
center probably has some list or
go to a dance class, go and do
something you might not
typically do a cooking class,
there is no limit to the
options, a language class and
learn a new language together
over a period of a certain
amount of weeks. Another option
that you can do is reliving past
dates. The first date my husband
and I went on was to the
Cheesecake Factory. And every so
often when we are feeling
nostalgic, we go and relive that
past state, we'll go to the
Cheesecake Factory and then
we'll go to the college that we
went to and walk around the
campus and just tell stories of
that time together with each
other, those are some of the
best ones. Another one before we
move on to the final category of
splurge as an affordable date is
going to like family fun parks
without your kids. So go and do
the bumper cars ride the go
karts, go and play like a Dave
and Busters. And, you know, do
the things like have so much
fun. I knew when the there was
one day when my husband and I
were dating, we went to one of
these fun parks and we did the
bumper cars together. And then
there were these bumper boats.
And we each gotten these bumper
boats and just totally sprayed
each other with water. In fact,
I don't think I ever got him I
was drenching wet with all of
the water that he was getting me
with on these bumper boats. And
it was in that moment that I
knew that I loved him. We were
having so much fun together. And
I remember driving back to the
to his place after after that,
and just looking at him. And
remember and realizing in that
moment, like I have so much fun
with this person. And I love
him. And I knew from that moment
I loved him. So maybe you should
go and do something fun like
that. Now here are the splurge
ideas. Now these are more of the
five star restaurants like the
ones that you need to get on a
waiting list for and maybe save
up a couple of paychecks. These
are great for special occasions
for anniversaries for birthdays.
And this might be a great thing.
If it's something that you
enjoy, my husband could really
care less about going to some of
the five star restaurants that I
want to go to. But he is kind
and loving to go with me and and
kind of scratch that itch along
with me. Because that's
something I'm more likely to do.
But you don't always have to do
that. And it may not be
something either of you are
interested in. And if not, don't
do it. But another thing that
you can do as a splurge is go
away for a night, even in your
own city find like a quirky
hotel or a unique hotel and go
and experience it for a night. A
couple of years ago, my husband
and I the grandparents had the
kids for a night and we were
like let's just go to downtown
Nashville and book a hotel in
some, you know, boutique hotel
and see what we can do see what
we can get into. And we ended up
it was the strangest hotel. It
was one of these art hotels that
had like these pink ones that
were in the hotel, not real
penguins. They were these huge
statues of penguins that they
that the staff would like move
throughout the night throughout
the day. Super weird, but it was
hilarious. We end up because of
how quirky the hotel was. It is
a memory that we will remember
for forever. So find something
like that. Again, this is more
of a splurge. Maybe you go on a
ghost tour around your town
around that time of year. Or
maybe you go on vacation. My
husband and I just went to
Portugal together for our 13th
anniversary and definitely a
splurge. Definitely awesome. But
here's what I can tell you the
best parts of our trip. I mean,
yes, the exploring was great and
seeing all these beautiful sites
and going around Lisbon and
Sintra. And the stories like all
of that was fantastic. And we
both love travel. That's a huge
part of how both of us are
wired. Not everyone is and
that's okay. Because here's the
best part of the trip. We played
the question game, and we hadn't
played the question game in a
long time. And it was a time
where we It just got to know
each other again and reconnect
on things that we hadn't talked
about. In a long time. I went
around and even asked people in
the office and preparing for
this video, what what are the
best dates you've been on? And
many of their answers I've
already shared. But here is the
bottom line of every single
answer if we get down to it,
what made someone's best date?
It was this. It wasn't where
they went. It wasn't how much
money they spent. It wasn't how
luxurious the date was. It was
the connection and the
conversation that they had with
their spouse that made the date.
Great. That's it. That's all you
need to really prioritize. It's
about intentionality. It's about
having fun and having some
novelty, but it's mostly about
connection. It's about
prioritizing the time to be
together and finding the rhythm
to continually do that, that
works for you. And yes, you can
get more into what do you like
to do and what can we do
together? And what are our
shared interest and all of those
things will come. But if you
really prioritize, I want to
know you more. I want to be
curious about you. And I want to
share myself with you and I want
us to continue to connect with
each other and to know each
other on a deeper level than the
best dates will absolutely come