-John, did you hear that the new iPhone X is selling for $1,000?
-Oh, it´s ridiculous. -It´s astonishing.
-It´s preposterous.
-And you know, things like this really get you to thinking.
Um, we´re getting a little older,
and sometimes, I look around, and I...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, I don´t even recognize the world I´m living in anymore.
Things are changing every day and not always for the better.
[ Laughter ]
And it´s times like these that I like to sit down
and think about how things were just a bit more simple
back in my day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♫♫
Back in my day, we didn´t have
no fancy iPhone X costing us $1,000.
Horse feathers!
Back in my day, if you want to shell out
$1,000 for a phone, you had to buy an iPhone 6,
get a little bit of water on it, and have to buy it again.
-Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, Taco Bell wasn´t serving crazy items
like the Naked Egg Taco, no, sir!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, if you wanted to enjoy
a Naked Egg Taco in a Taco Bell,
they´d say, "Put your pants back on, Mr. Lithgow!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Back in my day, we didn´t watch pornography
on virtual-reality headsets. -Oh, no.
-Back then, we just held the phone real close to our face.
[ Laughter ] -That´s right.
-Made sure the sound was low,
´cause we were in the bathroom at work.
-Mm. [ Laughter and applause ]
-You know, back in my day,
we didn´t have Ben Affleck as Batman.
-No, sir. -No.
We had George Clooney as Batman. [ Laughter ]
And for some reason, his suit had nipples.
[ Laughter ]
And much like an actual man´s nipples,
they were made more for decoration than anything else.
[ Laughter ]
But clear as day, I remember they were hard.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Mine, not his. [ Laughter ]
I just really, really like Batman.
-Really like Batman. -I really like Batman.
-Back in my day, messaging apps like WhatsApp
didn´t let you unsend messages you´d already sent.
-Oh, no.
-Back then, if you wanted to delete a text
you already sent someone,
you had to do it the old-fashioned way --
by going to your ex-girlfriend´s place of work,
swatting the phone out of her hands,
and then smashing it with a hammer
because you thought you saw a bee on it.
-A bee on it. [ Dog barking ]
-Oh, you´re right, Rusty. She is better off without me.
[ Laughter ] [ Dog growling ]
-You know, back in my day...
we didn´t have alternative energy sources
like wind farms. Oh, no.
Back in my day, if you wanted to harness the power of wind,
you´d have to head back to Taco Bell
for a second Naked Egg Taco.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Back in my day, we didn´t have no "Stranger Things" on Netflix.
-Oh, no.
-We had strange things, all right.
Things like planking. -Mm.
[ Laughter ]
-Like how Ryan Seacrest never ages.
-Oh, and things like AOL Instant Messenger.
-What was your screenname, Seth? -Sethdog2000.
[ Laughter ] What was yours?
-Captainsparklepuss. -Ooh, that´s a good one.
-Yeah, sparklepuss. -Very good one.
-Back in my day, there was no Domino´s Pizza Tracker app.
No, sir.
If you wanted to know where your Domino´s was,
you had to drive to the store and say,
"I beg of you, for all that is holy,
where on God´s Earth is my pizza?!"
[ Laughter ]
And, inevitably, they´d say something like,
"Mr. Lithgow, it just arrived at your house."
[ Laughter ]
"And, also, please put your pants back on."
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, CNN wasn´t running an ad campaign
telling people that an apple isn´t a banana.
No way! Back in my day, CNN was telling people
that Hillary Clinton was gonna win the election.
And guess what -- that apple turned out to be a real banana.
-Oh, real banana. -Real banana.
But, look, everybody. I´m sorry about all this, but...
[ Cheers and applause ]
....sometimes a grumpy goose like me
has got to get my grouse on.
This has been "Back In My Day." -Oh, yeah.