- I'm Caleb City.
This is the time I shit in my pants,
I shit you not.
Can we bleep that out?
My mom's gonna watch this.
(laughing)
I'm sorry mom, that was the title.
It's not, that wasn't me.
It's 2002, I'm seven, second grade.
You wanna picture me as a seven year old?
This face, no glasses or hair
and much smaller lengthwise.
Every morning before I go to class,
I'd eat a big ass bowl of cereal.
The classic Trix.
They had the fruit shaped and they were full of sugar.
Not this watered-down version that we got now.
I don't know, like, bitch cereal?
So I'm eating my Trix, big ass bowl of Trix,
too big for me.
I'm drowning it in milk.
I'm barely finishing it
until my stomach's about to burst.
However, I'm an idiot.
I'm lactose intolerant.
This is before I realize.
In fact, I didn't realize I was lactose intolerant
til like high school.
My stomach is always hurting,
I'm just thinking, eh, I'm not a bitch,
I'm not gonna complain about it,
let's carry on with the day.
But today was different.
This wasn't just any normal pain.
I'm drowning it in milk.
I can literally feel
the movement within my bowels.
It was like someone was just like, gah.
I have to get something out of me.
However, the number one rule,
you don't take a shit at school, ever.
You know this.
If you do that, you are ostracized.
You will be excommunicated from all of society.
So I gotta play it off,
I gotta act like I just gotta go take a piss.
I'm just gonna go, I'm gonna be right back,
I'm just gonna go, just (grunts)
fire it out, get back to class, right?
I tell my friends I'm taking a piss all right,
be right back, 30 seconds tops,
super easy, quick.
Soon as I get out of the line of sight of everyone
I start sprinting.
I'm running, I'm running out of time
and I'm running physically.
I'm sure I'm going to shit myself.
100% sure.
I burst open the door,
close and lock it,
pull my pants down to go take a dump.
I don't touch the seat though.
You don't touch the toilet seat.
Do not touch the seat,
if you touch the seat, you'll get a disease and die.
At least that's what everybody knows.
I know there's like those things
where you pull them out
and put it on the seat.
No. Don't use those either.
That's like digging in the garbage,
finding food and eating it with a fork
rather than with your hands.
So pants down, I start hovering over the toilet seat.
Boom boom, I made it, I'm home free
and I let loose.
Nothing that was coming out was solid.
It was all just mucky, just muddy mess
and I'm not looking cause I'm like,
uhh, I'm the monster.
Whatever's happening behind me
is the janitor's problem.
Somebody walks in to the bathroom.
Oh no.
The number one rule,
you don't take a shit at school.
I know 100% that he can see my feet,
and they do.
With my pants behind my ankles they knew,
oh this guy's taking a shit.
He didn't even go like do what he had to do,
he didn't take a piss,
he didn't go in the stall, nothing.
Goes straight for my stall,
"You taking a dump?"
Boom boom boom boom boom.
"Hey, you taking a dump?"
Boom boom boom.
"Hey you can't do that."
He's peeking through the crack.
"Hey, you taking a dump?"
I'm scared shitless,
no pun intended.
I'm trying to be as silent as possible.
He starts kicking the door,
"Hey, you taking a dump?"
I'm not exaggerating, literally kicking the door.
The walls are shaking,
the lock looks like it's about to come loose.
"Hey, you can't do that, you taking a dump?"
Finally leaves, I'm home free.
All right I'm done, I gotta get outta here.
My stomach is clear, my mind is clear
I'm ready to go back and learn.
I pull up my pants.
(squish noise)
(dramatic tuba music)
And I look behind me,
not a single drop of shit is in that toilet bowl.
I made it to the toilet stall
and still shit myself.
It was unbelievable.
I gotta play it off.
I'm walking out of the bathroom,
marinating in my own shit,
the kid that was banging on my door
is outside waiting for me.
He's piecing together my face and the shit man.
"Oh, you took a dump!"
Why are you still here?
He's looking for anybody to share this with.
"He took a dump, he took a dump, he took a dump.
"That black kid took a dump."
I'm like turning and speed walking.
(squish noises)
You know that walk that you do...
(squish noises)
when like you're trying to hold something in,
except, it's out now.
I make it back to class
and I sit as far away from everybody as possible.
I'm gonna avoid human interaction
and it's working.
Nobody smells my stench and I'm good.
Teacher calls everybody to sit in the middle of class.
Sit together as closely as possible.
Closer, closer than that.
Why is this happening to me?
Literally never happens, what is going on?
She wants to read us something.
This is not Kindergarten,
why are you reading us stuff?
I can read on my own.
So we're sitting there crisscross,
shit is squishing everywhere by the way,
this is gonna be happening all day.
I'm sitting next to my best friend.
(sniff) "Do you smell something?"
He who smelt it, right?
"Actually it smells like somebody took a dump."
Ahhh, I know right, I think it's that guy.
(sniff) "No I think it's coming from you!"
(laughing) Yeah, no, everything's normal.
I went through that entire day
with shit in my pants
because I was afraid to go home
and get in trouble, like an idiot.
I literally could've just called my parents
and been like, hey, I did something bad.
This is terrible, this is an emergency,
pick me up.
Whoever was in that class,
if you remember that whole entire room
reeking of shit,
that was me everyone.
I do apologize. (laughing)
(upbeat jazz music)
Hey, it's Caleb City.
And it's Caleb City Week at Comedy Central.
If you want to see more videos,
check out some right here
and here.
Yeah, you wanna click those?
I appreciate it.
Also, thanks for the views.
And if you're from my channel,
leave some comments congratulating me
cause I'm doing big things aren't I, look at me.