(upbeat music)
People know me as the lead singer of Color Me Bad.
What most people don't know about me is
that I'm an alcoholic.
My musical career started way back in high school
in Oklahoma City.
I was in band.
I was really pretty geeky
but I had pipes.
I met Mark Calderon back in high school.
We hit it off.
We started performing at assemblies.
We were always trying to be the center of attention.
We were hungry,
we wanted to be stars.
During our senior year in high school,
Kool and the Gang came to town.
We went to the party.
Kool and the Gang heard us sing,
the next thing you know we start recording this song
I Want to Sex You Up.
We released an album called CMB
and it had a string of hits on it.
I Adore Me Amore.
Sex You Up went number one R&B and for us
because we sing R&B and Hip Hop music,
and because some of us were white
in the group,
that was a huge accomplishment.
It was divine intervention
We were successful
and we wanted to stay successful.
There was a lot of pressure.
All of the artists
and everything seem
to love the same things and have
the same things in common.
'Cause we all love to do this
and we all love the fans.
With alcohol I found that it took away my inhibitions.
It started out slow,
a shot before going on stage.
As the years progressed I started drinking more and more
to the point where I was binge drinking.
I would start buying the pints
and so I'd buy a couple of pints of Vodka and I'd drink them
within an hour.
There always comes that time when I have
that little break down
and I decide I can handle it,
I'm grown,
I want to have a couple drinks.
And it just spirals out of control.
I've been in and out of rehab four or five times.
I've had three DUIs.
I have shown up for shows drunk.
Walked off the stage,
pushed Mark right in front of the crowd.
Thank you all for coming.
I do things that I don't remember
because as soon as I start drinking,
I go straight to black out.
I'm afraid I'm gonna be one
of the next entertainers
that you hear about that they found
in the hotel room
that drank themselves to death.
I'm worried for my life.
Well Bryan I'm glad you're here.
Thank you Sir. Hard to watch.
Yeah. What's hard about it.
All of it.
Yeah.
So why do you think
you're drinking to black out level?
Well for starters because I'm an alcoholic
I know that and I've accepted that.
I drink to numb myself or to not feel hurt
and not feel pain and not feel shame.
So what's hurtful in your world?
The guilt for the things that I've done
over the years.
Things from childhood growing up.
Two hip replacements and almost 150 pounds heavier,
I'm not happy with who I am so.
If I'm insecure or scared to death
before I go out on stage feeling like nobody wants
to see this big fat guy get up there and sing these songs.
They don't want to see that guy,
they want to see the other guy.
I put together a list of the excuses your word
of why you do this.
You said, "you're stressed and lonely."
You said, "your career triggers you to drink."
And you're just describing that
how you feel
when you're on stage. Yeah.
You said, "the first time you drank it was before
"a show and people said it was
"your beat show ever." Yeah.
You said, "I drink each day
"so I didn't feel sick from the night before."
So at that point you were drinking enough
that you were actually withdrawing.
Yeah.
You said, "I dated Kim
"and we both drank,"
so it was something you did together?
That was an activity you bonded with?
Yeah. You said you
were taking pain pills and you would drink less.
But you'd get the same feeling from the pain pills.
And you said, "Kim when she'd go with you,
"she's keep you on track."
Because I wouldn't think to even drink.
I wouldn't want to be in that place.
Right and then if she didn't go with you
on tour then you didn't have that,
she wasn't there to pump the break for you.
Yeah what a lot of people don't know is
that I weighed 400 pounds the end
of my sophomore year in high school.
And I lost all that weight because I wanted
to be an entertainer,
because in the guys in my band said we'll never make it
with you looking like this.
Yeah. So I started losing
the weight and getting it off.
So in front of all these people
and performing they see this thin guy.
Probably one of the thinnest in the group.
But inside I'm still that really fat guy
with the skin hanging.
Scared to death that somebody's gonna see
the way I look or judge me
because I'm not this new skinny guy in my head.
I'm a really scared guy inside.