>> Stephen: IS THIS THE RIGHT HEIGHT?
OKAY.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
>> EVEN BETTER.
IT'S EVEN LOWER NOW.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT OF THAT.
COME ON, WE'RE SELLING SOME TICKETS RIGHT HERE.
OH, HELLO.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIGGEST STORY CONTINUES TO BE THE ONE YOU WERE THINKING
ABOUT WHEN YOU WEREN'T SLEEPING LAST NIGHT.
IT'S THE ONE HAPPENING ALL OVER AMERICA-- THE PROTESTS IN THE
WAKE OF THE MURDER OF GEORGE FLOYD, WHOSE MEMORIAL SERVICE IN
MINNEAPOLIS WAS HELD TODAY.
SUPPORT FOR FLOYD, HIS FAMILY, AND THE DEMAND FOR RACIAL
JUSTICE AND ACCOUNTABILITY HAS BEEN SO WIDESPREAD THAT I HAVE
TO ISSUE A RARE CORRECTION.
LAST NIGHT, I SAID THAT THERE HAVE BEEN PROTESTS IN 380
CITIES.
WELL, IN FACT, LAST NIGHT THAT NUMBER GREW TO AT LEAST
430 CITIES AND TOWNS, MEANING THIS ISN'T HAPPENING JUST IN OUR
MAJOR URBAN CENTERS.
I BELIEVE THE 430TH LARGEST CITY IN AMERICA IS THE "PARTY" CITY
ON ROUTE SIX.
THE DEMONSTRATIONS ARE EVERYWHERE.
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA.
TAMPA, FLORIDA.
BOISE, IDAHO.
LEWISTON, MAINE.
HELENA, MONTANA.
ANYWHERE ELSE, JOHNNY?
>> I'VE BEEN EVERYTHING BOSTON, CHARLESTON, DAYTON, LOUISIANA,
WASHINGTON, HOUSTON, KINGSTON, TEXARKANA, MONTEREY, FARADAY
SANTA FE, TALLAPOOSA, GLEN ROCK, BLACK ROCK, LITTLE ROCK,
OSKALOOSA, TENNESSEE TO HENNESSEY, CHICOPEE, SPIRIT
LAKE, GRAND LAKE, DEVIL'S LAKE, CRATER LAKE.
>> STEPHEN: (SINGING) "I'VE MARCHED EVERYWHERE, MAN.
I'VE MARCHED EVERYWHERE!" MEN IN BLACK.
>> (INDISCERNIBLE).
>> Stephen: WHAT?
I'M SURE IT'S NAVY BLUE.
>> Stephen: IS IT BLUE?
YES.
>> Stephen: TIM MAN IN BLUE.
THESE PROTESTS ARE UNITING AMERICANS OF ALL BACKGROUNDS.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT BOISE, IDAHO DOES NOT HAVE A LOT
OF BLACK PEOPLE.
NEITHER DOES LARAMIE, WYOMING.
IN FACT, PART OF THAT PROTEST WAS BECAUSE THEIR ONLY BLACK
RESIDENT MOVED AWAY.
EXPLAINS THIS SIGN.
AND DON'T BUY THE FALSE NARRATIVE THAT THESE ARE LAWLESS
MOBS-- THE VAST MAJORITY OF THESE PROTESTS HAVE BEEN
PEACEFUL.
YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THAT IF YOU WATCH CABLE NEWS, BECAUSE TO THE
NEWS, PEACE IS BORING.
THAT'S WHY CNN JUST LAUNCHED THEIR SISTER NETWORK:
THE BURNING TRASH CAN CHANNEL.
(AS BLITZER) "BREAKING NEWS.
THE FIRE HAS NOW REACHED THE SNICKERS WRAPPER.
IS IT ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE EMPTY CHICKEN BUCKET
IS ENGULFED IN FLAME?
ANDERSON?" BUT YOU CAN FIND FOOTAGE OF
PEACEFUL PROTESTS ALL OVER TWITTER.
LIKE THIS STIRRING SCENE FROM HOUSTON, WHERE BLACK ACTIVISTS
FOUGHT FOR CHANGE ON HORSEBACK.
COME ON!
LOOK AT THAT!
IT'S LIKE THE RIDE OF THE ROHIRRIM IN "THE LORD OF THE
RINGS"... IF THERE WERE ANY BLACK CHARACTERS IN "THE LORD OF
THE RINGS."
BUT DESPITE THE PEACEFUL NATURE OF THESE PROTESTS, LOCAL
GOVERNMENTS HAVE BEEN CRACKING DOWN HARD.
CURFEWS HAVE BEEN ENACTED IN ATLANTA, CHICAGO, CLEVELAND,
DALLAS, DENVER, L.A., LOUISVILLE, MINNEAPOLIS
NEW YORK, PHILADELPHIA, PHOENIX, RALEIGH, SAN FRANCISO, SEATTLE,
AND WASHINGTON, D.C.
BASICALLY EVERY MAJOR CITY.
SO, CONGRATULATIONS TO AMERICA'S NEW NIGHTLIFE HOT SPOT:
OCONOMOWOK, WISCONSIN.
COME FOR THE BEER, STAY BECAUSE WE HAD TO TAKE AWAY YOUR CAR
KEYS.
BECAUSE YOU REALLY ENJOY THE BEER.
THE POINT OF A CURFEW IS TO STOP LAWBREAKERS FROM TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF THE PROTESTS.
BUT, IN SOME CITIES, FOLKS ARE GETTING SWEPT UP BY COPS IN
CURFEWS STARTING AS EARLY AS 6:00 P.M.
AH, YES, 6:00 P.M., THE WITCHING HOUR, WHEN EVIL ANARCHISTS DRINK
THEIR AMSTEL LITE AND PLOT TO ROAST THAT CHICKEN FOR DINNER.
BURN, BABY, BURN.
BECAUSE I FORGOT TO BASTE, BABY, BASTE!
IN MANY PLACES, POLICE ARE USING CURFEW AS AN EXCUSE TO BRING THE
SMACKDOWN ON PEACEFUL PROTESTORS, LIKE IN NEW YORK,
WHERE COPS CHASED AND BEAT UP A BIKER TRYING TO GET HOME.
THAT IS AWFUL.
AND IT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR.
ALL THE BARS IN NEW YORK ARE CLOSED.
WHY DO THE COPS STILL GET TO GO CLUBBING?
IN CINCINNATI, COPS STOPPED A GROUP OF YOUNG WOMEN TRYING TO
GET HOME AND CONFISCATED ONE OF THEIR BAGS.
TURNED OUT, IT HAD HER INSULIN INSIDE.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN SHE ASKED THE COP TO RETURN IT.
>> YOU CAN SEARCH THE BAG, JUST PLEASE, I'D LIKE TO HAVE MY
INSULIN.
>> SHE NEEDS HER INSULIN.
>> YOUR PROPERTY WILL GO WITH YOU, DON'T WORRY.
>> YOU CAN SEARCH IT ALL YOU WANT, BUT CAN I PLEASE-- CAN I
JUST HAVE IT SITTING IN FRONT OF ME, PLEASE?
>> SHE NEEDS HER INSULIN.
>> I NEED TO MAKE SURE IT'S IN MY SIGHT.
I CAN'T GO WITHOUT IT PLEASE.
MY BLOOD SUGAR'S DROPPING.
I NEED MY INSULIN.
>> IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE HER INSULIN, SHE WILL DIE.
>> I UNDERSTAND WHAT DIABETICS IS.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT DIABETICS IS L. RON
HUBBARD'S LESS SUCCESSFUL SECOND BOOK.
TURNS OUT, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS PUT ALIEN GHOSTS IN YOUR PANCREAS.
YOU'VE GOT TO CUT OUT THE ENGRAMS AND TEDDY GRAMS.
AND COPS HAVEN'T BEEN MAKING EASY.
LIKE IN D.C., WHERE PROTESTORS DEMANDED THE COPS LET THEM GO
HOME: >> LET US LEAVE!
LET US LEAVE!
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, SAME THING MY KIDS STARTED CHANTING AROUND
WEEK FIVE OF QUARANTINE.
THERE'S A NAME FOR WHEN POLICE BOX IN A CROWD OF PEOPLE TO
CREATE A PRETEXT TO ARREST THEM.
IT'S CALLED A "KETTLE."
I GUESS THAT'S A CASE OF THE COPS CALLING A KETTLE ON ANYONE
BLACK.
♪ ♪
>> PUN THE TEARS AWAY!
>> STEPHEN: MAYBE THE CRAZIEST STORY OF POLICE ENTRAPPING
PEOPLE FOR BREAKING CURFEW CAME FROM D.C. ON MONDAY.
WHILE PEACEFULLY MARCHING, A CROWD OF PROTESTERS WOUND UP IN
A RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE THEY WERE BOXED IN BY POLICE,
WHO STARTED PUSHING, SPRAYING MACE, AND TRAMPLING PEOPLE.
A GOOD SAMARITAN GAVE THE 60 PROTESTORS SHELTER IN HIS HOME:
RAHUL DUBEY, SEEN HERE PROVING THAT NOT ALL HEROES WEAR CAPES.
SOME WEAR TASTEFUL SCARVES.
EVEN THOUGH POLICE FIRED PEPPER SPRAY INTO HIS HOME AS PEOPLE
WERE ENTERING, DUBEY LET THE 60 PROTESTORS STAY ALL NIGHT UNTIL
CURFEW WAS LIFTED, AND EVEN PROVIDED MILK TO SOOTHE THEIR
EYES, AND PIZZA!
OH, MY GOD.
SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A MEDAL.
AND MAYBE A NEW BATHROOM.
60 PEOPLE CONSUMING NOTHING BUT MILK AND PIZZA.
WHO NEEDS TEAR GAS?
ONE OF THE HARSHEST RESPONSES WE'VE SEEN IS POLICE FIRING
RUBBER BULLETS AT PEOPLE, A PEACEFUL PROTESTERS, OR EVEN
JUST BYSTANDERS.
>> HANDS UP, DON'T SHOOT!
(GUNFIRE) ( BLEEP ).
>> DOING IT AGAIN!
( GUNFIRE ) >> Stephen: AND RUBBER BULLETS
ARE MORE BULLET THAN RUBBER.
OFFICERS CALL THEM LESS ETHYL AMMUNITION.
MONDAY'S MILITARY ASSAULT ON PEACEFUL PROTESTERS SO TRUMP CAN
GET HANDSY WITH THE BIBLE.
TRUMP HAS BEEN CRITICIZED BY A LOT OF PEOPLE FOR MISUSE OF THE
MILITARY, AND THE LATEST IS TRUMP'S FORMER DEFENSE SECRETARY
AND STAR OF DISNEY'S NEW LIVE ACTION "DROOPY," "MAD DOG"
MATTIS.
IN A SCATHING STATEMENT RELEASED LAST NIGHT, MATTIS SAID, "I HAVE
WATCHED THIS WEEK'S UNFOLDING EVENTS, ANGRY AND APPALLED.
THE WORDS 'EQUAL JUSTICE UNDER LAW' ARE CARVED IN THE PEDIMENT
OF THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT.
THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT PROTESTERS ARE RIGHTLY
DEMANDING.
IT IS A WHOLESOME AND UNIFYING DEMAND, ONE THAT ALL OF US
SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET BEHIND."
(AS TRUMP) "YOU'RE RIGHT, JIM.
WE SHOULD GET BEHIND THEM.
ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.
THEN MARINATE THOSE SUCKERS WITH SOME PEPPER SPRAY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE IT SAYS IN THE GOOD BOOK."
MATTIS ADDED THAT "WE MUST NOT BE DISTRACTED BY A SMALL NUMBER
OF LAWBREAKERS.
THE PROTESTS ARE DEFINED BY TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE OF
CONSCIENCE WHO ARE INSISTING THAT WE LIVE UP TO OUR
VALUES-OUR VALUES AS PEOPLE AND OUR VALUES AS A NATION."
THAT IS A STIRRING MESSAGE OF COMPASSION, UNITY, AND REASON...
FROM "MAD DOG"?
I HEREBY RENAME YOU "PRINCIPLED POOCH!"
MATTIS ACCUSES TRUMP OF DIVIDING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND USES
HISTORY TO POINT OUT WHY THAT'S BAD: "INSTRUCTIONS GIVEN BY THE
MILITARY DEPARTMENTS TO OUR TROOPS BEFORE THE NORMANDY
INVASION REMINDED SOLDIERS THAT THE NAZI SLOGAN FOR DESTROYING
US WAS 'DIVIDE AND CONQUER.' OUR AMERICAN ANSWER IS 'IN UNION
THERE IS STRENGTH'."
STRONG STUFF, THOUGH TRUMP HAS HIS OWN VIEWS ON THE BATTLE OF
NORMANDY.
>> VERY FINE PEOPLE, ON BOTH SIDES.
>> STEPHEN: MATTIS' HARSH WORDS ARE ESPECIALLY SURPRISING,
BECAUSE AFTER HE LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE, HE SAID THIS:
>> I WILL NOT SPEAK ILL OF A SITTING PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: EVIDENTLY, HE WILL SPEAK ILL OF A PRESIDENT LYING
IN BED COVERED IN CURLY FRIES.
TRUMP IMMEDIATELY FIRED BACK ON TWITTER: "PROBABLY THE ONLY
THING BARACK OBAMA AND I HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT WE BOTH HAD THE
HONOR OF FIRING JIM MATTIS, THE WORLD'S MOST OVERRATED GENERAL.
I ASKED FOR HIS LETTER OF RESIGNATION, AND FELT GREAT
ABOUT IT.
HIS NICKNAME WAS 'CHAOS,' WHICH I DIDN'T LIKE, AND CHANGED TO
'MAD DOG.' DOT-DOT-DOT, I GAVE HIM A NEW
LIFE, THINGS TO DO, AND BATTLES TO WIN, BUT HE SELDOM
'BROUGHT HOME THE BACON'."
(AS TRUMP) "IT'S TRUE.
WE HAD ALL THESE GREAT WARS AND HE DIDN'T BRING ME HOME A
SINGLE PIECE OF BACON FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.
AND NOT JUST THE BACON EITHER.
HE NEVER BROUGHT HOME THE SAUSAGE, THE HAM, NOT EVEN A
HASH BROWN.
OR AS I CALL IT, POTATO MEAT.
UH-OH, NOW I'M HUNGRY.
SOMEBODY TEAR GAS THOSE PROTESTERS, WE'RE WALKING TO
DENNY'S.
JUST LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL DID."
IF YOU THINK TRUMP'S TWEET WAS STUPID, YOU'RE WRONG.
IT WAS STUPID AND WRONG, BECAUSE TRUMP CLAIMED HE FIRED MATTIS,
BUT MATTIS RESIGNED, AND TRUMP ALSO CLAIMED THAT HE CHANGED
MATTIS' NICKNAME TO "MAD DOG," BUT HE DID NOT.
WHY DOES TRUMP HAVE TO TAKE CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING?
(AS TRUMP) "I CAN'T BELIEVE ESPN LEFT ME
OUT OF 'THE LAST DANCE.' YOU KNOW, I'M THE ONE WHO CAME
UP WITH 'AIR' JORDAN.
THEY USED TO CALL HIM 'SUGAR SHORTS MIKE'."
TRUMP HAS ALSO GOTTEN PUSH BACK FROM SECRETARY OF DEFENSE AND
SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WHO HITS ON YOUR MOM, MARK ESPER.
AT A PRESS CONFERENCE YESTERDAY MORNING, ESPER SAID THAT USING
ACTIVE DUTY MILITARY TO QUELL PROTESTS WAS A BAD IDEA, AND
PROMISED TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF TROOPS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
SHORTLY THEREAFTER, WHEN ASKED IF PRESIDENT TRUMP STILL HAD
CONFIDENCE IN ESPER, PRESS SECRETARY KAYLEIGH MCENANY SAID
THIS: >> AS OF RIGHT NOW, SECRETARY
ESPER IS STILL SECRETARY ESPER.
>> STEPHEN: RARELY A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOU HEAR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
"THANKS, EVERYBODY, FOR THE ANNIVERSARY WISHES.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, AS OF RIGHT NOW, MY WIFE IS STILL
MY WIFE.
HERE'S TO WHATEVS!" LAST NIGHT, WE LEARNED THAT
ESPER MET WITH TRUMP IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
I'M SURE THAT WAS A FUN MEETING.
(AS TRUMP) "LOOK, ESPIE, YOU SEEM TO HAVE
FORGOTTEN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION: KEEPING YOUR THIN LITTLE LIPS
PRESSED TO ASS FORCE ONE.
NOW, I'M GOING TO DROP TROU, AND IT'S TIME TO 'BRING HOME THE
BACON'."
AFTER THE MEETING, ESPER CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT WITHDRAWING
TROOPS.
THAT'S THE FASTEST 180 IN D.C.
SINCE TRUMP MISTAKENLY WALKED INTO A SALAD BAR.
♪ ♪
>> FIBER IS IMPORTANT!
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING WITH NEW JERSEY SENATOR CORY BOOKER.
STICK AROUND.